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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gifts weird/controlling

189 replies

Santaslittlehelper83 · 13/12/2022 10:25

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
miceonabranch · 13/12/2022 10:28

Just accept them then donate them to a food bank. She's happy, the food bank are happy and you don't have to have the house cluttered up with random stuff.

jelly79 · 13/12/2022 10:29

Let her contribute and be gracious - choose your battles :)

SleeplessInEngland · 13/12/2022 10:30

She may be controlling in other areas but I think you're misusing the word in this example. Just accept the gifts and give them away elsewhere.

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 13/12/2022 10:31

Sounds like she's trying to be helpful with useful items

No need to be so harsh and nasty about her

EndlessRain1 · 13/12/2022 10:31

Some people are obsessed with giving babies toiletries. I have a friend who gives everyone who has a baby a full set of Johnson & Johnson baby products - from tacum powder to that massively perfumed body lotion. I would never use that on my babies, ever. But i just graciously received them and then donated them.

So, I think you are overthinking it.

Zooeyzo · 13/12/2022 10:34

Can't you swap them at the shop? She's probably trying to be helpful.

JoyBeorge · 13/12/2022 10:35

I agree, choose your battles. It's not a big deal on the spectrum of MIL dramas. Just accept them graciously and donate them to a supermarket collection point or at worst bin them. It's not like she's ever going to know and no feelings or relationships get damaged. She probably just thinks she's helping.

Hillarious · 13/12/2022 10:39

Can't your partner just say "thank you, and next time if you're doing this, what we'd really appreciate is . . . and DS is in size . . .."

With my adult children, it's becoming increasingly difficult to know what they want/use/like.

TheTeenageYears · 13/12/2022 10:39

Could you say to her the you really appreciate her contribution and understand if she wants to help even though she is absolutely under no obligation to but would it be okay to give her a list of things you do use so if she really wants to help then it's things you'll use. Maybe when she's doing her shopping she just thinks it's just a few pounds to help her DS & DIL out so puts something in the trolley for you.

edenhills · 13/12/2022 10:46

She's trying to be helpful, there's a way to stop these gifts without being rude. But it's hard to think straight when you are not getting enough sleep.

Ducksinthebath · 13/12/2022 10:47

That’s not trying to be controlling, it’s trying to be helpful.

Ellie1015 · 13/12/2022 10:48

Sounds like the intention is kind and helpful. No idea why you think it is controlling. As PP said thank you and donate them if you can't use them.

FlorettaB · 13/12/2022 10:48

’MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour but generally relations have been fine recently.‘

Your history with her means you’re going to judge her behaviour by a higher standard than you would anyone else’s and you’re automatically looking for any hint of a problem. That’s understandable but something to be aware of. If another female relative of a similar age kept bringing the wrong baby stuff when they visited, how would you feel? It’s within the realm of low level oddness you expect from family. You’re exhausted (you have a 4 month old, so I’m assuming) and your tolerance is low at the moment. I doubt that you’ll think this is worth being angry about in a year or so when you’re getting more sleep.

keepcalm11 · 13/12/2022 11:17

Another vote for graciously accept, try not to think about it, put to one side. then donate. I dont think MIL's being controlling, a bit unaware perhaps.

thistimelastweek · 13/12/2022 11:20

I suspect she just likes buying baby stuff. Makes her feel like a granny.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/12/2022 11:22

As the mother of a son I honestly dread the day he may marry a woman who despises me because I have the temerity to buy nappies. MILs of women cannot win.

If this was your mum OP would it also be controlling

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/12/2022 11:24

I also think people who have tiny babies and may not realise how much they will need childcare for the next 18 years shouldn’t burn their bridges so early with loved ones.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/12/2022 11:24

Probably intends to be helpful and more useful than arriving with unnecessary gift of toys for child every visit - give what you can't use to a foodbank.
Weird but probably well intentioned - but can't really see how it's controlling.

Pieministers · 13/12/2022 11:25

Mil is constantly buying us food, despite us asking her not to. It sounds generous, but it’s actually her indulging a shopping habit by buying things to give away. It’s almost always stuff we never eat or wouldn’t buy, so I end up giving most of it to food banks. I would just do the same with the stuff she gives you.

TinFoilHatty · 13/12/2022 11:31

Going against the grain a bit, I think she is deliberately making more work for you. She has been asked nicely to stop, it isn't helpful to clutter up your home with stuff you can't use. Your new little family has to work out who to donate the stuff to, and actually take it there. She is being really unkind, your husband needs to tell her to stop. Give her it back each time. She doesn't REALLY want to exacerbate baby's sore skin now, does she?

Brightstarowl · 13/12/2022 11:38

Imagine getting annoyed at this....

Use the perfumed wipes to clean the baby's hands....it's not a big deal surely.

I think you're the one being weird.

takealettermsjones · 13/12/2022 11:39

I actually know what you mean OP. I struggle a lot with this kind of thing. My MIL bought my DD shoes, and for various reasons (all to do with me/my childhood), I immediately felt like she was implying that I couldn't provide for my child. She wasn't, she was just trying to be nice, but I totally understand how someone providing "everyday" items as gifts can make you feel. I think the clutter thing would annoy me too but I think that's a secondary issue!

Brightstarowl · 13/12/2022 11:40

TinFoilHatty · 13/12/2022 11:31

Going against the grain a bit, I think she is deliberately making more work for you. She has been asked nicely to stop, it isn't helpful to clutter up your home with stuff you can't use. Your new little family has to work out who to donate the stuff to, and actually take it there. She is being really unkind, your husband needs to tell her to stop. Give her it back each time. She doesn't REALLY want to exacerbate baby's sore skin now, does she?

Being unkind by buying stuff for her grandchild....

I've heard it all now! 😭

Blossomtoes · 13/12/2022 11:41

miceonabranch · 13/12/2022 10:28

Just accept them then donate them to a food bank. She's happy, the food bank are happy and you don't have to have the house cluttered up with random stuff.

This. She thinks she’s being helpful. Or of course you could ask her to buy the right brand as her crystal ball is malfunctioning.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/12/2022 11:42

Sounds a kind enough gesture and not really a hill to die on, IMO. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Even so, if you've asked her to stop then she should.