MIL gifts weird/controlling

[Santaslittlehelper83]

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

This ⬆️
I would have loved someone to have been that kind to me too when mine were babies

Just an idea but the first time it happened:
Mil - here are some gifts.
DIL - how kind what you got?
Oh dear. These are the wrong size.
Oh I'm sorry we can't use these it will give the baby a rash.
Can you take them back and swop them fir the right size / un perfumed ones?
Mil - of course I can. What size / brand do you like ?

Why is everyone encouraging mil to spend / waste her money to keep the food banks going ?

I have a granddaughter and would never dream of buying random they didn't want.

I ask :
What do you need?
DIL - nothing but if you want a birthday / Christmas list I'll send you one?
Yes please - list from Amazon appears and I click away to my hearts content
Happy mil
Happy DIL
Happy dgd

I think sometimes people (especially grandparents) are just excited to buy baby items again. I would just accept them and donate to a food bank...all supermarkets have them. My dad was always buying baby grows for my eldest, all wrong sizes but he liked to tell the shop assistant all about his granddaughter!

The same actions by one person can be absent-minded or scatty, and by another person a way of attempting to control. In this example though, I think the same response works either way. Say nothing about the items, and donate them asap.

I struggle to see how it's an issue. My dad always rocked up with nappies, wipes, nappy sacks, baby snacks etc. They weren't always the brand I'd choose but it was an act of love and I appreciate him. But I'm close with my dad so, there's that.

Whether your MiL is a dick or not, you have a choice of how to react. You can be offended and build up slights in your head, or you can have some mad MN scripted pass-agg drama over it. OR you can say "lovely, thanks" and use them or give them to a foodbank. Some people on here would say that was passive, but I would argue it's simply using your head space wisely.

I think you have done the right thing politely asking her to stop and she is making more work for you as you then need to donate these items (not always easy to get time with a baby). If she does it again, just politely tell her that if she really wants to buy something for the baby to feel helpful (if that makes her happy), you will write down the name of the correct products/size you use.

I agree with others about picking the battles. Save your energy for something else as sounds more than likely there could be other battles in the future if she is controlling 😅

Your poor mother in law. Imagine knowing there is a debate on an Internet forum saying you are controlling for buying wetwipes! I hope she never sees this. I found this through a post on Facebook so if she has fb she may well see it, I just hope she doesn’t recognize you if she does. Like a previous poster said ‘thank the lord for my daughter in law’ I am so glad that I don’t have to walk this kind of minefield

I dont necessarily think this alone is controlling but may be in context with other mil happenings. My mil asked us continually which cotbed sheets we wanted for our pfb many years ago and I gave her some ideas. She didnt buy those ones but got others, no biggie but then heard from a neighbour of ours she also knew, how we were bleeding her dry for baby things and had loads of bedding and furniture from her, many red faces around when she realised we knew this neighbour and were on friendly terms. Cot bed sheets were THE only thing she purchased for her first born grandson then a distant cousin had a baby and she sent a huge hamper of things and put it all over Facebook. It was just weird and not controlling but she does do controlling as well.

Me too. Nobody bought nappies/wipes or anything else for my dc. I would have appreciated any help.

OP if MIL’s gifts are not appreciated the kindest thing to do is tell her to stop buying for her DGC as you prefer to buy your own.

MIL won’t mind saving her money or spending it on others who appreciate her goodwill

“MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently”

I’m mostly in the camp of ‘you’re over thinking it’ but given that has previous it’s understandable to question her motives and be somewhat cautious. Interesting that your DH also thinks it’s weird though so there may be some substance to your concerns.

I’d suggest either telling her the size/brand you use so she can buy the correct ones. Or just smile and pass on to someone else who will.

It’s probably a case of your mil just wanting to help. Pick your battles :)

I don't understand how people think getting useless gifts is kind.

If you have size 4 feet and I buy you size 6 shoes it is not being thoughtful, it is being thoughtless. No different with nappies.

My parents must have been very evil, according to the gospel of Mumsnet!!!! Santa came to both houses. Kids got a new outfit every summer and autumn - we shopped together. Also paid for all school shoes; again we shopped together. Sadly lost them when my kids were very young. MIL always got tat for them but I would never have been rude to her!

For those saying, taking nappies to a foodbank being an onerous chore for the OP... well, here's an idea - maybe the OP's DH could take charge of this, you know, the MIL's actual son? Can he not speak to his mother and sort this out wit her, like a normal human being??

I'm really struggling to see what exactly you think she's trying to 'control'

Frankly I think you're just being nasty and ungrateful. You're poor MIL

Yep this with bells on! Unless you've experienced this behaviour you will never understand because it is exactly designed to fly under the radar and as @Horsesandzebras says make you appear ungrateful when you've eventually get fed up with it or expected to show off/use the tut publicly. These are the kind of people whose NEVER ask what you or your child want for a present. They just get whatever they think. Because it's not about you or your child it's about them. Makes them feel good. You start to question yourself and whether you've just suddenly become ungrateful or crazy. Nope, it's a way some people can control you through 'gift' giving..and if they dont see what they think is enough of you they use the fact they have a gift to give as an excuse to come over or as a cover for inappropriate behaviour. Seriously been there got the t-shirt. Don't react to it, just ignore it and get rid of it quietly. They want to provoke a reaction. I learned that the hard way, don't be honest with them that's what they want so they can prove how ungrateful you are to other family members/friends/anyone who will listen! And from the outside that's how it looks.

@Whatthesausage one my mil does this. She bought dd Moses basket and told all her friends we were asking her to buy all sorts and how she was out all the time buying things as we didn’t have much. Couldn’t have been farther from the truth. She buys tons of clothes dresses and frilly things that I always graciously accept but often just dress dd in nice babygros. Especially in this cold. Anyway she bought her a Christmas dress recently I already had Xmas baby gros from next (got on eBay BNWT!) and a lovely Xmas romper thing a friend gave me as a hand me down her dd wore it once last year . Anyway I had to pop to MILs before our playgroup Christmas party as she’d asked me to get her some bits from shop as too cold for her to go out. She was horrified dd did not have HER Xmas dress on?! I said oh she will wear it closer to Xmas and MIL says she better had do! She only wants pics of dd in things she has bought as well and once has asked us to take dd to her friends house when she had a particular outfit on. She was desperate for her friend to see the outfit. I think MIL like yours just really really x100 wants to feel needed, plus has a shopping addiction as it’s her only real hobby and outlet

Your totally entitled to feel how you feel, however if it were me I would let this slide and donate all the stuff I don’t use, it is ignorant if you’ve told her his size nappies and what wipes you use and she’s ignored it but ild just let it go or when she drops it if just say oh these are too small now but I have a friend who could do with them, thank you tho we appreciate it and leave it as that hopefully she remembers better next time

I also know what you mean, OP. The act of buying something for a grandchild is, in itself, not controlling. But if you’ve told her that it doesn’t fit or whatever and she’s still persisted, she’s putting her own needs above anyone else’s and it is odd behaviour. I think it would be the same were it your own mum buying stuff you don’t need or can’t use - the particular relationship isn’t relevant. My own MIL has also done similar only the stuff has implied judgement (think bottles when the baby doesn’t use bottles etc) so I know how it feels. Ultimately I think it is for your partner to tell her that you can’t use what she’s been buying and if she’d like to do a Boots shop (some women seem to love this which I find slightly odd, but anyway) then a packet of nappies in size whatever plus x brand of wipes would be helpful.

I have a granddaughter and would never dream of buying random they didn't want.

yes @Robin233 that's because you are NORMAL! That's what nice sensible people do. They don't foist things on people they don't want. The reason MILs do this I reckon is because they want to play baby mamma and don't actually care about the receiver

My Mil & mum both did this, in the end I asked them to stop with wipes as I always bought sensitive ones, but nappies, fantastic- it was a huge help for us! I just told them when the DC went up a size.

Wow..... She is doing what every normal grandparent does.

My mum did the same for me. Yea sometimes they weren't exactly what I wanted but I would never have told her. It's such a lovely thing to do.

My mum and MIL both went so overboard when I had my first baby (and first grandchild on both sides) that it used to annoy me that I wasn’t able, seemingly, to ever choose or buy something for my own child, because we were snowed under with shit from the grandparents.

So I do get it.

In your shoes I’d definitely donate it all to a food bank. Mum and MIL tend to go overboard with sweets and snacks these days (literal bag loads) and I have been known to chuck that in my nearest food bank collection point too.

When you don’t know someone who is like this it seems ungrateful or weird to question it. But when you know someone who does this stuff you realise it’s part of something bigger.
For some it seems to be pathological need to fulfil a need or want in themselves that doesn’t take other peoples wants into consideration but is dressed up as kindness. It often comes with a lot of commenting and weirdness around the ‘gift’ that they know you don’t want. I wonder if it’s a bit like hoarding. Obsessive buying then a need to excuse it or justify it.

My Grandma did this for all 3 of mine. God love her, she used to say how hard it was when she had hers and she just wanted to take one little job (buying nappies) away from us. But I did let her know which brand suited best and sizes.