MIL gifts weird/controlling

[Santaslittlehelper83]

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

YABU and you’re being precious.

I am very much doubting all the different brands she’s bringing gives your PFB a rash, I think that’s an excuse so you don’t sound as ungrateful, but even if they did, just donate to a baby/food bank.

It’s not a waste at all.

As long as your son's future wife isn't on mumsnet - where everyone will tell her that you're the devil - you'll probably be alright.

You were abrupt over an unwanted gift? Wow. That's so rude.

Waiting for a massive drip feed now...

Someone I know does this. She does it so she can say she did something and you were ungrateful. Manipulative behaviour.

Urgh my ils were like this bringing wipes! . When we had 2 x dc close together they were keen to buy us a double buggy. Very much appreciated.. But they wanted to chose it!
Weeks of them touring pram shops.. This was post birth. Dh told them either we all went or we would just buy one ourselves.. They eventually met us at a shop and I chose one.
Now mil had no chance in Hell of managing a double buggy. She was less than 5 foot and about 6 stone.
Control ime op.

My MIL used to do this, I would smile say thank you and put them in the food bank collection next time I went to the supermarket. The charity shop tat she bought round (and continues to bring round) is much more annoying.

We have this too and while on one hand we can just give the unwanted stuff to the food bank, on the other hand it is a type of controlling behaviour. The implication that we can't afford to buy our own very basic foodstuffs is also a bit offensive. Think things like onions and tinned tomatoes. The time he bought us a car was the last straw. It was from the police auction. I told him we didn't want that car as it was too small and had no service history. He tried to tell me we didn't need a bigger car. We refused to pick it up from his house and eventually he gave it to another relative. It needed a new engine a month later and they paid 3k in repairs. I mean obviously the offer of a car could be a kind gesture but it's the attitude of "you can't afford or choose your own car" that is the problem. The way to help would be to give some money towards it (not that we asked for or needed help but would have been grateful if offered). But he wouldn't do that as he thinks he knows best.

The implication that we can't afford to buy our own very basic foodstuffs is also a bit offensive.

This is SUCH a strange and twisted way to see gifts/ intended help. Do you also consider offers to childcare as implied that you can't look after your own children?

I don't think it is controlling of her.

A bit controlling by you in that you want to be the boss of the precise brand she gifts. (Sorry op that's a bit pfb behaviour) But if you are tired and have a bit of a history with her maybe it is difficult to find the headspace to empathise with her.

I agree, if it’s the only annoying thing I would smile and donate them.
Im a MIL and I’m sure this has probably happened to me! Although I do try my best to only buy stuff I know they need or use. If I get it wrong and they mention it I’m perfectly happy for them to donate it. It’s not a big deal/problem.
Unless she’s on a tight budget.

I have to agree with this tbh. I don't want other people's things in my house, I don't want to have to get rid of them, I don't want to think about taking them them somewhere out of my way to drop them off. I have asked you politely not to bring anything, it's as simple as that.

I also have a MIL who sounds very similar so know how you feel and honestly I've said 1000 times not to bring something everytime she visits. I would rather she actually spoke to my children instead of spending the whole time looking at her phone but thinking she's the best because they kids went nuts when she arrived as she bought them yet more tat! (Most of it broken or missing pieces from the charity shop)

Yes — and as a MIL you're likely to be judged if you turn up empty-handed, or if you turn up at all, or if you don't turn up...

35 years ago my sister gave birth unexpectedly several weeks early. My parents were away at the opposite end of the country and unable to get back to visit her for a couple of days and she still holds it against them, even though they have both been dead for years. Apparently my mum arrived with a supplies for the baby and my sister and a picnic including a fruit cake. My sister was furious because she didn't like fruit cake and the nappies etc weren't the brand she'd decided to use. Mum just wanted to be helpful and to create as little pressure on my sister as possible.

Why not just say ‘MIL thank you so much for the nappies. The last ones were a bit big so we’ve put them away for now. Would it be possible to buy *? Those ones seem to fit nicely. I’ll write it down for you because the nappy aisle can be difficult to navigate because there’s such a big range’.

Use the baby wipes for cleaning.

This reminds me of my mother who would always buy my children clothes in the wrong sizes. No issues to prevent her shopping normally. In the end I realised that she got pleasure from shopping rather than gifting, so once she bought a cute baby outfit she was happy and couldn't give a fuck that I had to go round the shops with my baby trying to exchange it for the right size.

It doesn’t strike me as controlling behaviour in itself. Unless she is quietly binning your own stuff and substituting for hers…but I don’t think that’s the case.

As others have said, this is it the hill to die on. Stockpile and then ship out to food bank and you’re thronging something irritating into a good deed.

Donate to the food bank as they're always desperate for nappies and baby stuff.

I agree it's an odd thing to do though! Without knowing your MiL it's impossile to say whether she's clueless and well meaning or making a dig.

I have a mother in law who did this, would buy nappies/milk etc as a gift. Then would complain to her friends we were bleeding her dry and using her and she had to buy these things as we demanded them.

Struggling to see what is controlling about this.

Hmm … Beyond being helpful I imagine your MIL wants to feel involved in the day to day life of her grandchild. Is this really not something you are willing to facilitate?

The same grandmother offering nappies now will probably be offering childcare, books, weekends away, wellingtons, jumpers, memories of her childhood and that of the child’s parent, help with Christmas shopping for you, ‘prom’ outfits, interview advice, driving lessons …

Amazed you’re not taking the long view, here.

Your MIL is just trying to be kind, I think.

You don't sound as though you like her very much. Can't you just accept the gifts and donate them?

This may be mildly annoying for you but I hardly think the poor woman is being controlling here.

I’ve said YABU as there was no need to be abrupt. Being tired is no excuse either. Rude.

I really think she is being kind and thoughtful. She probably thinks it’s helping your family out a bit, saving you a trip to the shops type of thing.
TBH I dony have DGC yet but I think
this is something I would do thinking it’s being helpful.

Tis self indulgent of her. She’s buying what she wants to buy, not what you need. In what sense is it a gift, if it is bought without due care and attention for the recipient.
tedious.

id write down what I currently use and brands that don’t work, and hand it to her saying ‘ you’re so generous! These are the products that work best for the baby, just in case! “

Some days I thank the lord above for the daughter in law I have.