MIL gifts weird/controlling

[Santaslittlehelper83]

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

In what world is it normal to bring you stuff that you can't use, that you have to dispose of thoughtfully, where you have a little baby and very little headspace other than looking after your child. How is it normal to load extra jobs onto your son and daughter in law when they have asked you to please not keep on loading these jobs onto them.

In this situation I would ask my husband to talk to his mum and explain that you don't use her gifts when they are not the right size/brand. It will be a much more comfortable conversation between the two of them.

My mother in law would definitely scoff if I said my baby had sensitive skin and could only tolerate the most expensive of baby wipes. (I love her but she's frugal to the point of insanity.) Maybe your mil is making a point buying different brands but it's impossible to tell without knowing her. She may just love being in the supermarket and shopping in the baby aisle again.

I think you need to look on it as when she had babies there was so much less choice and people were, with the best will in the world, less precious about what they used. I was the same as you when my PFB was a baby and looking back I feel rather ashamed that I was sometimes ungrateful towards my own mother's efforts to be helpful...

A one off gift yes (like a toy or item of clothing, obviously you are going to act very grateful even if its not your personal taste etc), but consistantly buying nappies/wipes that are not the right product is just wierd. You would think when there’s tons of brands on the shelf, she would quickly ask which ones they use. I have the loveliest Mum and MIL and if they were buying something like nappies, they would take two seconds to phone/message and ask which brand/size is the right one to buy. Its obvious to anyone that a nappy isnt going to be useful if it doesn’t fit or not the brand they use.

Perhaps we should stop being so British and just say honestly straight away if someone does this - ‘I really appreciate the thought, but this is not useful as its the wrong brand/size - would you like to know which ones we use? But please dont feel any pressure to buy for us’.

We also have to remember theres plenty of controlling MIL’s out there. Not every grandparent is sweet and caring just because yours and mine are.

Stop having such a spiteful attitude, she’s obviously being kind, surely you can always just use the toiletries at another time, and can you really not use the nappies?
Just be thankful she has a kind heart.
You will be a mother in law yourself one day!

OP I actually understand your frustration.
There is nothing stopping your MIL texting to ask size, brand, what if anything you need.

Its hard to know her motivation for not listening, but wanting to buy something is a kind gesture.
Next time she brings something, check the size etc. And if its not right, you hand it back to her as she is leaving and ask her to swap it. She may start to realise how annoying taking things back is.

We had a problem with my MIL buying charity shop tat, 2nd hand clothes (relevant as we couldnt swap it) and just buying things we dont need. My DH had to have a talk with her to tell her to stop wasting her money, and if she wanted to buy anything just to check first. It took a while for her to stop, but when i pointed out my SD had 9 pairs of pyjamas, despite staying 3 nights a week, 30+ LOL dolls (unplayed with) never mind hundreds of accessories.

So true. Some people are so good at being sly. It's undermining DIL. It is saying what you say means nothing to me. I don't care what you say. She wants a reaction so she can say I bought her nappies and wipes and she through them back in my face. She is this and that.

OP feign gratitude and don't take the bait. You can double check MILs reaction when you tell her how grateful you are. That will tell you if she is doing it on purpose.

Note she is doing it with inexpensive items ...baby wipes.

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

I'd venture a bet she's picking them up on sale - hence the changing brands - and trying to be helpful.

I’m going to agree OP as my lovely but controlling to the point of distraction mil did the same - very sweetly of course.
My DD grew very quickly as a baby and she’d always stock up on nappies the size my niece (5 months younger but also premature when born so slightly smaller at birth even) used. Drove me mad but I’m also aware it probably isn’t intended to be nasty.. though I’d be telling your DH to text her the correct size because anything else is utterly pointless

We are all different. I would see that as hugely helpful. My mil bought ridiculous clothes from monsoon mainly. And cuddly toys. I much prefered my mums gifts of giant packs of nappies and vest multipacks (and most of rhe babywear in john lewis). I see that as buying you something she thinks you need as opposed to buying something that the gift giver likes iyswim.

Let her know the brands you use and when you are moving up a size.

This

Yes this is exactly what my mil does. Generally stuff that was on sale in some beach town (think joules, fat face etc) and too small. Its just satisfying her own pleasure i think. Ffs.

How do you all cope with these bitchy MILs who do shocking things like get their GC presents without being massive mind readers and knowing your weird complexes/possessiveness will be offended? Praying for you all 🙏🏿

I’m praying they all get a taste of their own medicine in 20 odd years time.

You could just donate it all to the foodbank, but you run the risk they may think you are controlling and manipulative for donating the wrong size or brand

Or they’ll be the ones moaning in a few years that granny won’t have the kids in the holidays because she’s too busy doing things for herself.

I think this is her sticking her beak in personally. Getting you brands she thinks you should use. I would say thank you! Then give them to food bank. It’s the fight she wants, the drama of telling people you are ungrateful. Don’t feed this beast.

You should have said you know the OP and her MIL personally!

I echo an earlier PP - so pleased I didn’t grow up with these weird familial norms that families all automatically hate each other and see nastiness in small acts of kindness.

Sigh. So many threads like this.
Peace and love ✌
You are tired, but its no excuse for being rude to her.
Cut her a bit of slack because the more people that love your child, the better.

Op I've only read page 1.
My mil is definitely controlling with presents and expresses herself through them.
However I was grateful for the nappies.
Can't you ask her for the ones you want? If not definitely donate.

WTF!!

how do people actually feel so nastily about others! Jesus you think the MILis not just a bit out of touch, you think she’s gone out shopping to buy things to be nasty and force OP to use them? When OP already said she doesn’t have to as they’re ok for money? Where the hell does this mindset come from?

Awww I’d accept and send on to food bank. She will just think she’s helping.Grandparents like to do that

Such a waste of money and also she's clearly ignoring what you tell her.
This will only get worse.
Hopefully your child doesn't have any allergies but your MIL sounds like just the sort of person who would feed your child the very thing they're allergic to because she's not listening to you and clearly she knows best.
I'm amazed at how many people think you're being unreasonable - you absolutely are not unreasonable at all!

My ex-MIL was like this - in her mind the only right way was her way, and anything else was "people making a fuss over nothing"
So glad that neither I nor my child have anything to do with her any more (her decision, she completely stopped contact with my child after I divorced her son)

See I don’t see someone giving a baby the wrong size nappies as a ‘lovely present’ - coming round with a lovely teddy or a new blanket or something, so lovely and massively appreciated. Too small nappies after being told the right size, not exactly some sort of saintly and caring gift ?!