MIL gifts weird/controlling

[Santaslittlehelper83]

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

Foodbank the nappies.
Scented wipes in the car/baby bag/bathroom for general wiping rather than direct on skin.
Say thanks; ignore; move on.

And fwiw my mum buys us nappies and baby snacks etc all the time but she’ll send a quick pic on WhatsApp like ‘are size 3s still ok?’ Or ‘does she like banana flavour this week or no?’ Because what’s the actual point if it can’t be used.

And in before I’m called an ungrateful wench for even making my mum consider what size is appropriate or whatever, she knows how grateful we are she’s being treated at Christmas to jo Malone and afternoon tea to show our appreciation of her support !

When my mum had me some 40 years ago, disposable nappies were really expensive. It was easily £10 a box in the 80s which was a lot of money. Maybe you MiL remembers this herself and is trying to help you out by buying the nappies? It certainly doesn't sound manipulative or controlling to me.

However, I do get it - when people continually bring stuff to your door and you're thinking "when the fuck do you think I have time to deal with this shit". It's not always as easy as just nipping to the charity shop or whatever.

Maybe call her and say you appreciate the gesture. Could she buy X brand next time in X size as that would be the best one for uou. I'm sure she doesn't want to intentionally waste her money on something you don't want

I don’t think it’s controlling, but when you have explicitly asked her not to, it is rude.

She is deliberately ignoring a request you’ve made and is acting in a way that she is perfectly aware isn’t helpful. It’s probably a sort of habit or feeling of social obligation - she feels like she is supposed to bring something but she can’t actually be arsed to find out what would be useful (or she knows but can’t be arsed to buy it) so she is making a pointless gesture for her own benefit.

MIL loves ‘helping’ in ways she’s specifically been asked not to because it actually makes more work for me.
Coincidentally there’s no other time she’s helpful. So I do get it
but also I think you have to pick your battles and this probably isn’t it

Can you not tell her the brand and size you use so when she does buy next time it will be right

Your husband is her blood relative - this is his issue to deal with.

She's probably just trying to be nice, but having to make trips to the food bank to donate clutter is a timesuck you don't need right now.

Talk to your husband and get him to talk to her nicely about this. He should talk about what you actually need and don't need.

I can understand being irked by the nappies. The wrong size is annoying because not only is it wasteful, it's money down the drain for her. My mother did the same to stock in her house for visits and would give packs of nappies and wipes to me to take home too. When they were the wrong size she'd say she didn't know they were the wrong size and they were fine several weeks ago but how could she if she didn't tell me before that she was doing it?

Now she's no longer here and my DD is older, I think about my future self as a grandparent and see things very differently than during that time. My DM was only ever trying to help financially because for anyone those things add up cost wise. It would be a useful gift to give any parent rather than tat. Just thank her and ask if she wants you/DH to tell her what you use specifically and what size, maybe DH can put it in a message for her because she clearly wants to help.

She doesn't sound controlling or manipulative to me. More likely she is just trying to bring things to help.

Sounds like she’s trying to be helpful I think excepting and donating as po mentions is a good idea

My FIL would constantly buy us baby milk, nappies, wipes etc and more often than not get it wrong because there are so many brands and sizes out there. It’s a minefield to the experienced let alone anyone else.

We simply wrote down what we used and when baby changed sizes or product we changed it/added it on his list.

He felt like he was contributing into the upbringing of his Grandchildren and it was a really lovely thing to do.

I don't like being given things I don't need either. Some of my family know this and respect it, some don't. In the case of my ILS, it's a wider issue of them very rarely being able to make their dgc's well being a priority above thier wants and needs.

Could you thank her and tell her what size he’s in or the next size for when he’s ready. My parents bought nappies and a formula box every week for us with their shopping. I can’t thank them enough it was so helpful and that was their aim to help us out.

Wipes, of any brand, are ALWAYS useful for cleaning - especially in the car.

I completely get you. They do things that are really weird but if you tell someone else about it, it sounds like you’re a major dick because, sure aren’t they only being nice?? No they’re not. Every visit bringing different sized and brands of nappies is incredibly odd but she knows you can’t give out because she’s “trying her best to help”. I almost feel like it gaslighting. You’re not grateful for the kind thought of her odd gifts she buys without asking what you use etc. I can feel the underlying tone because my MIL is like this. Shes also a pathological liar so I’ve hit the jackpot… Good luck OP. I stand in solidarity with you on this one.

Wow. Overreact much?
Just donate what you don’t want and stop dramatising it.

Be grateful that your child even has interested grandparents.
What I wouldn’t give for mine to have one decent interested grandparent between them.

You need to stop letting this bother you. Leave MIL relations to your partner. Does he care about the toiletries. Let him deal with it.
I'd donate the stuff to a food bank. It's no big deal.

My MIL does this, but with charity shop clothes - but a really excessive amount.

I've learnt to shut up (even though its irritating as hell!), accept graciously and pass back on to a charity shop.....because in those moments of buying she feels happy, useful and connected to her grandchildren.

Maybe ask instead of buying these items, ask if she would like to buy a book occasionally p for your child instead as you are keen to encourage reading from an early age. Most people like buying books for children and they don’t need to be expensive and surely MIL would get more pleasure doing this than buying boring wipes

Absolutely agree ! These bloody awful Mother in Laws , are also wonderful mothers - if they are parent to boys and girls ! MIL’s get a bad deal ! Luckily I have a fab DIL thank God !

I think this is controlling she buys what she wants to but you regardless of anything you say as she can’t contemplate another opinion. I have a mother like this she will never do anything I sir anyone else suggests ever. She bought my kids winter coats for 3 years in a row when they didn’t need them, never checked if they needed them of what size to get or gave me the receipts so I could change ( one year they were too small) the charity shop did well. It was her way of suggesting I was an incapable mother I think 😀

wouldn’t really be the behaviour of someone who is ‘controlling’, much more impulse buys from MiL who probably saw them on offer and thought it would be nice to help and contribute. I would take them and donate them…..as others have said, it avoids hurting her feelings and it not a big deal.

My MIL did this too

She bought some stuff for baby i really didnt like or want or need. Small stuff: wipes, baby powder/oil that i didnt use

I don't quite understand why. I think it comes from a good place

She also tried to control bigger purchases like cot/pram etc we just pushed back each time

She doesn't do it any more actually

I was just about to say the exact same thing!