MIL gifts weird/controlling

[Santaslittlehelper83]

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

I will go against the grain here and say I feel your pain. I have similar MIL. Will repeatedly bring along "gifts" for children or pets that are entirely unasked for and will not be used by us. I used to accept them graciously but then it never stops. Even politely explaining that these items are not things that we do not need doesn't stop it. My MIL knows we do not want and will not use the items she brings but still does it. It is not being nice and helpful, it is just giving you more jobs as you then have to go to the effort of off loading them on other people.

Exactly the reason to put a stop to it now. It's not her place to do those things. Too involved.
IME you'll also be massively beholden for all this 'help' as she ages.

I have to agree with @TinFoilHatty and other posters. Unless you have experienced a MIL like this it is difficult to understand the subtleties of it. Mine used to do the exact same - it wasn't a case of being confused - she knew exactly what brands of wipes and nappies we used (because of allergies and skin irritations) but would deliberately buy another and say she decided to buy them anyway as she was in that store. Same as they got older - religious books and toys foisted on us even though we are not religious, big discussions as to how much taller our children are than their peers- then she would buy clothes for their age rather than their size. She would tell me I can just exchange them- but I would have to ask her for the receipt as she refused to give us a gift receipt etc. It sounds petty and horrible on my part but I would honestly prefer if she would never buy anything. She did this to all of her grandchildren until we asked her to make a donation to a charity of her choice instead.

It’s not her place to buy things for her grandchild? Yes, yes it is. It absolutely is.

It's not her place to do those things

Why not? My mum did all those things and she bought my son’s school shoes throughout his entire childhood. The result was a close and loving bond with her only grandchild that endured for over four decades and a host of memories to console him when she died.

I agree with the first poster, choose your battles wisely. Accept them and then don't give her a reason to say something like 'you refuse my help' etc.
If they don't always fit, donate them.
At least is giving some gifts, some terrible MILs won't even visit their grandkids.

Only on mn that gifts are seen as weird or controlling.

Why on Earth be 'abrupt' about a gift?

Would you have spoken to your own mum that way if she bought the wrong brand of wipes?

...and I thank the lord that I have daughters.

Seriously. This sort of OP is so depressing. The mental contortions that some people are prepared to go too to see a perfectly kind (If maybe a little bit misguided) gesture as controlling and manipulative, must take some energy. But apparently it's worth it because it's a MIL.

I bet she just likes buying them. I'd accept them and donate them.

My DF could not go past anything without getting it for my DS. He would also get stuff I needed. I just thought it was sweet because I knew he would be bragging about his DGS whilst doing it.

You are being unreasonable. She wants to help. Donate them.

Would you have spoken to your own mum that way if she bought the wrong brand of wipes?

Of course she wouldn't. And nor would the posters who've said OP's NBU

Definitely this.

Are you sure she isn’t suffering from some sort of decline? I can’t imagine just buying random size of nappies. I mean if I saw some on sale I’d call DD and ask her if she wanted them and check size. Seems an extraordinary waste of money just to mess with someone.

Exactly the reason to put a stop to it now. It's not her place to do those things. Too involved. IME you'll also be massively beholden for all this 'help' as she ages.

I could honestly weep for you. And thank the Lord I was born into an entirely different familial culture.

Can I take a guess?

You talk to your DIL and ask her what size/type of things any GC actually use? And you listen, watch and don't repeatedly buy stuff that doesn't get used, even after you have been told it is of no use?

You know, like a normal, mature adult!

I have family that are great and others, DM and DF amongst them, who just never listen, make up weird stuff and then refuse to believe me when I say that they have that wrong. It is bloody exhausting!

I think it depends on what the history of her being controlling is and whether she has said anything disparaging about your choice of nappies and wipes. My DM is controlling and questioned what I fed DD when she was weaning, then she started batch cooking for my freezer 'to help me out' then when she looked after DD weekly at mine she would bring her a packed lunch and dinner that she'd made..to help me, as if I had no food in the house. I know my mother and know this is actually her trying to minimise the damage she thinks I'm doing to my DD with my choice of food. We fell out big time over this. I can see how you could be upset over MIL giving nappies and wipes if she is anything like my DM.

I am very pro MILs, and she is obviously trying to be helpful.

But - the net result is that the OP has clutter in the house she doesn’t want or need. And she now, as a mother of a baby, has an additional regular chore of having to drop the unwanted items to a donation collection.

This is surely really annoying in anyone’s book.

When the obvious solution is either for the MIL to bring items that actually suit - or just not bring anything at all.

Yes, the OP probably should just be gracious and accept them. Except by doing that, she’s now got another regular chore on her list, when she’s already got enough on her plate with a baby.

This. Great donations for the food bank. Unless she’s living on the breadline and these purchases are unaffordable for her I’d let it go as she’s already ignored your request to stop.

YANBU

I struggling to understand why some think it is ok for MIL repeatedly bring items that she has been told are not suitable for her grandchild. They have accepted the gifts she has brought over that they can use and have told her what they could not so don’t understand how that makes OP ungrateful or why she should continue to accept things they cannot use because they are a “gift”. It is rude to continue to give someone something they have said they do not need/ want/ can use, etc.. and making them have to find what to do with it.

Of course, they could donate the items but they shouldn’t have to if MIL respected their wishes.

I wouldn’t accept highly perfumed wipes either considering both my sons had eczema as babies nor nappies that caused rashes on them which some brands have been known to do in some children. Why should OP and her DH continue to accept such things simply because it’s his mother doing so or assume OP would treat her mother differently if she brought nappies that caused rashes on her baby.

There is a lot of projecting on this thread when there is only one post from the OP.

I think this is part of why it gets my back up!

Thanks for replies all....I agree that I shouldn't sweat the small stuff! Perhaps controlling was the wrong word, or is the wrong way to percieve this gesture. I think due to past issues we do have to be very boundaried...and bringing nappies etc every single visit all feels very....I dunno...personal! Particularly when you didn't ask, don't need or want them. Perhaps she is trying to feel more involved, more so than we are ready for! But donating to a baby bank is a good idea...thank you!

What a Bastard!!

She is ignoring what you say. YANBU

Wow just thinks she is being helpful , my mil bought loads of nappies , wipes , toiletries etc when we had ds , not always what we used but sometimes act as back up
Wipes when older you can use to wipe up , wipe hands , legs , buggy etc

Choose your battles: say thank you. Take to the supermarket and drop in the food bank bin. Feel good that you've made another new mums day with your MILs donation.

I genuinely fear when my children get partners that they will write threads like this about me!

We haven't had offers of childcare from.this particular person. I've gratefully accepted childcare from other people.
Perhaps if you haven't experienced this type of behaviour you don't understand. He is critical of every decision and acts as though he knows best. It's not like a discussion where you ask someone's advice and they give it. It's that he tells me what I should be thinking. It takes the joy out of everything, every new house, car, even baby... Get told it's not going to be good enough because x y and z. I am also not someone who in general turns down free food or second hand clothes etc. It's the controlling attitude of this one person.