MIL gifts weird/controlling

[Santaslittlehelper83]

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

I haven’t read all the pages however I think you sound rather controlling. When my daughter was born my mother in law bought me a packet of nappies and wipes every week when she did her shoppping. I used pampers nappies but she often bought boots brand. She bought what ever wipes were on offer and I accepted both graciously and used them. Use the perfumed wipes for hands? Use the nappies for lighter use in the day? You also sound really snobby and brand judgemental. Many people wouod be incredibly grateful of these items so donate if you don’t want them. We are ina cost of living crisis so she is probably trying to be helpful.

I don’t think controlling means what you think it means op.

Sounds like she has good intentions, agree with the others just donate or use an app like peanut to say you have these items available to give someone in need

Just saw this. Forget the shrinks talking.
Your mil is absolutely bringing brands and useless items over to be an a**.
When people have been told that the stuff that they bring over is not used or wanted; they are disrespecting you.
If she wanted to be helpful. She would be bringing items you use.
Leave them next to the door, and when she leaves make a big deal of carrying it all to her car so she can take it to good will on her way home since she can't seem to understand what you use. So that SHE can help someone out with it. You just can't find the time since YOU are the one with the baby.
Make sure you tell her that SOMEONE will be able to use them since you have told her you don't. Just very firmly add can't and won't to the statement.
There is nothing nice or thoughtful about what she is doing.
She's being an A**. Treat her like one.

"Forget the shrinks" is extremely disrespectful to those (including myself) who've written about behaviours that can be driven by underlying mental health conditions. Encouraging OP to give as good as she gets literally achieves nothing, aggravates the situation further, and wouldn't be particularly great for her partner. But sure, she should listen to you because, for no explicable reason, you seem to think you know better than others who've shared genuinely relevant insight and who've tried to be understanding.

You'd check first about the right size and brand, though, right? That would be the kind and normal thing to do.

Honestly, I've dealt with a MIL like this and I swear they do this on purpose. just say MIL, thank you, I appreciate you getting these for DS but he's unable to use these because of X,Y,Z reason and that you'll have to give them to someone who can use them. Then she can decide what she wants to do. You're not arguing, or being disrespectful, you're just being honest with her. Or you can do what some others say and just ignore it.

This is very typical behavior for a new parent. It's your first child and you want everything to be "perfect". You want everything to be what you have picked or decided for the little one. By the time you have a second one this will either all go away or die down a lot. Your mil is just being kind. Now, if she was pushing for you to use them then it would be weird.

If she knows the brands, type, size that you like and still buys whatever she wants then you have a valid argument. If that's the case, then you should say you will not accept these. That's a power play on her part.

Nah. If you've got a kids with skinny legs, or one who's prone to rashes, or whatever, once you find a brand of wipes/nappies/cream that don't lead to bleeding nappy rash/eczema on their hands/poo explosions every time you stick to it like glue, regardless of whether it's your first or your tenth.

In fact for your later children you're more likely to refuse to deviate from What Works because you are older and wiser and less likely to give into the 'kindness' of the apparently well-meaning.

When my daughter was born in 1991 I would dearly have loved to receive a stack of decent quality terry nappies from my Mum (I'm an only child), but she never thought to ask what we wanted for our baby. She offered to buy us a big coachbuilt pram, which we didn't have room for and which we'd never use as I was returning to full time work after my maternity leave; when i told her we'd already got a decnt second-hand pram/pushchair combo anyway she seemed offended. When I was 8 months pregnant and getting too big to fit behind the steering wheel of my little Mini she offered to take me out on a shopping trip 'to buy something for the baby' but this was also on the hottest day of the year and at 8 months pregnant to traipse round the shops on a scorching hot day was the last thing I wanted to do, so I told mum blkuntly 'no thanks' and suggested that packs of all-in-one stretchsuits and lots of baby underwear would be most useful. Wehn Mum visited me in hospital when daughter was 2 days old (we live in a differnt city to mum) she tried to give us a large package of baby items which I'd toldd her NOT to bring to the hospital as there wasn't any room to safely store it, but suggested she drop the parcel at our home on the way back. At the time, Mum and my ex weren't on speaking terms so Mum refused to drop off said package at our home and until daighter was three months old she kept pressuring us to accept the package of baby items. It turned out that the package contained lots of frilly pink dresses for a newborn which we didn't want and would never use anyway - that's why we specified stretchsuits, underwear and terry nappies as this was what we needed in preference .

We ended up buying most of daughter's clothes from charity shops as only i was working at the time, or my knitting lots of things.

Yabu.

My mum does this. Totally well meaning and actually attempting to be helpful.

We just said thanks and said generally we use X brand. she started buying those.
Or if too big I'd keep them until shes bigger.

Highly scented wipes are still good for feeding time or wiping hands when out and about.

Exactly. I like to buy things for my nieces and nephews, but if my brother/SIL said the things weren't the right size or weren't being used for any reason, I'd make sure to buy the right ones next time. I'd rather than than they pretended to like them, but secretly gave them to a food bank.

It's really weird and wasteful to keep buying things you have been told aren't useful.

I think the difference is that your mum listened to you and bought the things you actually use, rather than OP's MIL who keeps getting things knowing they aren't useful.