MIL gifts weird/controlling

[Santaslittlehelper83]

I may be massively over thinking this and should just see it as a kind and generous act ..but something is rubbing me up the wrong way about this. Just for context MIL has a history of controlling and manipulative behaviour, but generally relations have been fine recently. So...we have DS2 who is 4 months old. Whenever MIL visits she brings things like nappies/wipes/toiletries. We haven't asked for this and they are always the wrong size or brands we don't use (think highly perfumed wipes etc) . We have been gracious, sometimes accepted the gift as may be able to use, but sometimes politely let her know we wouldn't be able to use as wrong size or brand gives DS rash.

On the last visit I think I was abrupt and asked her to please not to buy these items for DS as we know what size/brand are suitable, and otherwise it is a waste. It's not like we can't afford these things ourselves and she has never asked us what would be useful/needed. Just something really rubs me up the wrong way about this, but I am massively sleep deprived. DH is in agreement that it is weird. AIBU?

And like you, I found it a little
Controlling because she is interfering too

Sounds like shes trying. Rather than abruptly telling her you know your childs size I would have maybe just got DH to just explain youre using these brands and sizes (as they suit DCs skin better) so, if she wants to buy any to get these. He could have explained her just making her aware so her thoughtful gifts dont go to waste.

My DM bought nothing for my children. The only wipes and nappies purchased by her were for use at her house only and mine would come back in the changing bag.

I plan to make sure I actually LISTEN to my DIL and son instead of continuously buying things they have politely said they can’t use or ask if they need anything instead of assuming I know best. Not difficult really.

A family member used to buy us the wrong size nappies all the time but the big supermarkets would swop them for the right size (as long as they sell the same ones!).

Why don’t you just be honest and say thank you so much however child is now in size “xyz” in nappies now if you get them again could you get this size.

I think she’s just trying to be helpful and your being ungrateful , our mil said from birth she will always get the baby wipes and it was a nice gesture one thing not to think about , when we changed brand …. We told her , simple.

You've told your mother-in-law often enough that the brands of things she keeps buying aren't suitable for your baby , and the message obviously hasn't got through her thick skin; the next time she does this, thank her for the thought and say the local food bank.charity shop will be grateful for her donations of these products. This is brutal, I know, but sometimes it's the only way to get through to some people!

No need for the crystal ball, OP says they have already told her politely about wrong brands/sizes.

I agree with TinFoilHatty

MY mum is quite controlling so I 100 percent get why you’re finding this frustrating - i would hate it! But I do agree with pp that she is probably trying to be kind.

one thing you could do would be to text her something she should bring the week before she comes.

»I know that you often love to bring something for baby when you come. If you wanted to do that this time please could you bring pampers size 4 nappies. That would be hugely appreciated - think we’re all stocked up for everything else. Can’t wait to see you x »

This actually made me a bit emotional. I lost my lovely mum inlaw to dementia. I didn’t get a chance for her to buy me totally inappropriate items that we didn’t need for my children. Please be kind to your mother inlaw. I miss my mum inlaw a lot. She sometimes didn’t get it right and her presents were sometimes totally inappropriate but I always smiled and accepted graciously.

Agree 1,000%

Poor mother in law is trying to be nice. Just say thank you and donate to a food bank. All supermarkets have a place to donate.

Maybe take what you can use, leave the rest in the bag and give it straight back to her asking her to drop it into the foodbank collection point the next time she's at the supermarket.
It's blunt but that might be the only way to make her realise that she's wasting her money buying you things that you can't/won't use.

For all the MILs on here saying how awful the OP is, she's not - she'd just like her MIL to listen to her.

They probably did the same thing to their own DIL, choosing to ignore what they have said several times and MIL ignoring and doing what they want anyway.

It sounds to me like she’s actually trying to be generous in a thoughtful way, just not quite getting it right. She isn’t spoiling him, she isn’t filling your house with huge or noisy toys, she isn’t piling up handwash only clothes. You don’t have to put this stuff on display whenever she comes. Just let it go and, as others have said, stick it in the back of the car and put it in the foodbank collection next time you go to the supermarket.

You said nothing and 'graciously accepted' these items for ages and then suddenly you were 'abrupt'?

Basically, you let her think for ages that you were happy to receive these items and then suddenly snapped at her for doing something she'd been led to believe was welcome. I don't think your MIL is at fault here and I don't think it's controlling of her to bring these things over - she probably thought it was helpful and useful, and until now you hadn't suggested otherwise.

My MIL used to do the same and it also annoyed me. Same thing buying brands we didn't use, would have been better to give vouchers for somewhere. She even took it upon herself to buy us a stair gate even though we'd made the decision not to have one! Massively controlling. One Christmas she thought it'd be a good idea to get me some diet books too!!! Grrrr

Take these things to the food bank.

She even took it upon herself to buy us a stair gate even though we'd made the decision not to have one!

So she basically cares more about your child’s safety than you do. I think I might keep quiet about that if I were you.

“Thank you Mil, that’s so kind of you.” Then give them to charity you ungrateful woman

I get what you mean, and in general, I do think MIL is trying to be helpful and not controlling. But, these care items are really for the parents, surely? That's an important difference here, I think, it's not a 'gift' as such. Possibly it's better for MIL to ask 'is there anything that you need?' before buying things that might otherwise be unhelpful, and ultimately a waste of her money too.

OP - I also sympathize with you, one of my parents has a shopping addiction and behaves like this and it can be frustrating, particularly after you have explained multiple times and it carries on regardless. Then you have to work out what to do with it, as very often it's seen as an insult to refuse/ask to swap it. However, I honestly don't think it is a control thing, or any sort of message about you not being able to provide for your child. With my parent, I believe it stems from not having much when they were a child. Might be worth sitting down with your partner and talking through what deeper psychology could be behind it. I've found that to help me have a more empathic response over the frustration I used to feel.

I understand how you feel. The presents feel like a hint how you should be doing things and what brands you should be buying in her eyes. This means it is or it feels like a lesson.
Are you sure she is trying to educate you or she is just not able to take enough care when choosing a size and brand?

i have encountered both. A friend of mine regularly buys clothes for DD in a selection of sizes. Size and season don’t really match even though I tell her what size she is currently or how much smaller she is compared to the age indicated in the garments. However, it’s all meant well.

Unfortunately, my stepmother buys our “poor” DD new clothes because her awful parents have chosen to buy her mainly second hand clothes or use borrowed/ handed down clothes for environmental reasons and because of the chemicals contained in new garments. She knows this, it’s what I do for a living (research and lecturing on the impact of the fashion industry). There are many more things I or we are doing wrong: breastfeed too often, using a car seat which puts her in a seated position instead of laying her in the car, not feeding enough solides, doing a combination of baby lead weaning and purées instead of purée only, not bathing her every day, giving her to a childminder instead of me staying home for 3 years, her sitting and standing up early however it’s not a problem that she also walked early, and there will be much more. I’m bracing myself for the Christmas holidays.

i think it’s only worth firing the battle if your case is like the latter. Otherwise, a donation is the best you can do.

Good luck!

Little suggestion for the rush. I am guessing you don’t want to do cloth nappies because of the extra work, however, I can recommend silk liners. I got mine from Disana (in Germany). You can lay them inside disposable nappies. They really help the healing. You still have to wash them either by hand or on a delicate program.

Interesting that you only reply to the person who kinda agrees with you..

You are massively precious from my POV .. donate them if you don't like them .. everyone wins !!

She is probably of the generation who struggled financially when babies were born - my mum is like this. 20% interest rates and no maternity so had to give up work.
She's buying you practical things to make it easier on you. Accept it or politely hint that something else would help, cooking you dinner or doing the ironing or something.
Be kind.