His ex & adult children-anyone else struggle?

PebblesHarley · 2022-12-13T09:52:38+00:00

My partner has an ex who he is still contributing financially to even though they have no joint assets or young children. When I bring it up it inevitably leads to an argument and him getting angry but he's not contributing much to our household. He has 3 grown up daughters, all in their mid 30s and is forever lending or giving them money too as they never pay back. He says he has always done this and fears saying no will upset them. Its not for necessities if it was maybe I could understand but it's for takeaways etc. We have been together nearly 2 years and still I am not allowed to visit his children's homes if the ex is there, at special events he can go, not me- incase the ex is upset. Sometimes it feels like they are still the family unit and I'm just there. Anyone else struggle with situations like this?

LadyDanburysHat · 13/12/2022 09:56

Let me get this right, he is cocklodging with you to support his ex and adult children. Why on earth would you put up with this? He is free to choose how he spends his money, once he has paid his obligations to his living circumstances first.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2022 09:56

Not worth the hassle. If you have separate finances he can spend his on anything he wants but not contributing a fair amount to your shared household is unacceptable. That’s reason enough to end it and him kicking off if you try and talk about it is another.

Frapped · 13/12/2022 09:57

You really don't get to dictate what your boyfriend of less than 2 years does with his money. If you don't like it break up with him.

cathcath2 · 13/12/2022 10:00

So you are living together? He needs to pay a reasonable amount towards bills/food or move out/

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2022 10:01

Raise the bar, get rid of the cocklodger.

Newusernameaug · 13/12/2022 10:02

More info needed:

Do you live together?
what’s the split and share of bills if so?
do you have children together?

viques · 13/12/2022 10:09

What you have is a friend with benefits, but the benefits only benefit him. I think he needs to move into his own place, paying proper rent and utilities, that way you can benefit from his company, but not be the one paying for it. He can then do what he wants with his own money re his ex and the daughters.

Sadly I don’t think the relationship would survive this, which is possibly a good thing, if his daughters are in their thirties then presumably retirement is within sight for him, in which case you will be supporting him into his dotage.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/12/2022 10:53

Presumably you knew all this before you decided to become a “household”? Why didn’t you insist that financial contributions were agreed then? Give him an ultimatum: he contributes fairly to the bills for your house, or you won’t be living together any more.

The issue of not being invited to his adult children’s homes is irrelevant. Unsurprisingly, they’d prefer to have their mum there for big events than their dad’s new girlfriend. Do you really expect him to ask them not to include their mum at their special events in favour of you?

kingtamponthefurred · 13/12/2022 10:54

You are unreasonable not to have kicked him out long ago.

Original poster

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 10:57

Thanks for the replies.

Yes we live together with my children from a previous relationship.
I'm paying for pretty much everything, he gives me a bit of money towards food but it doesn't cover a weeks shop.
He's paying for his exs phone bill and helping with her rent that I know of.
I am a mug aren't I? I can't sleep cos worrying about paying for things and he thinks it's acceptable.

OP posts:

luckylavender · 13/12/2022 10:58

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 10:57

Thanks for the replies.

Yes we live together with my children from a previous relationship.
I'm paying for pretty much everything, he gives me a bit of money towards food but it doesn't cover a weeks shop.
He's paying for his exs phone bill and helping with her rent that I know of.
I am a mug aren't I? I can't sleep cos worrying about paying for things and he thinks it's acceptable.

Get rid. You deserve so much better.

onefedupmum · 13/12/2022 10:59

Sorry but get rid, tell him he needs to move out unless he pays 50/50 towards the bills.

His kids are in their 30s, they don't need money off him neither does his ex! Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Original poster

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 11:05

I don't expect the daughters to not invite mum to things.
It's just that they have not been a couple for a while, l wasn't the reason they split up or anything but she gets upset that we're together.
One of the daughters wants him to spend Christmas day with the ex at hers and has said he's selfish if he doesn't.
I love him but it's a hassle.

OP posts:

Ban · 13/12/2022 11:05

Please OP get him the fuck out your house! What example are you setting your own children?

They're doing without so this manchild can please his adult kids and ex.

OP you need to find your anger and wipe "DOORMAT" off your forehead.

Riverlee · 13/12/2022 11:07

i wouldn’t necessarily expect him to pay for your children, but he should be contributing to the household bills etc. Why is he still paying rent for his ex if children are in their 30s? Regarding takeaways etc, it’s nice to help out here and there, but not at your expense. What happens if you ask him to get you a takeaway?

Just a thought, does he know you’re struggling? Maybe you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about the cost everything. Literally spell it out how much it all costs. Go through your bills and list it all out. Don’t assume he knows. Maybe he presumes/assumes you can pay it all.

poefaced · 13/12/2022 11:08

Please chuck him out today.

Christmascandycane · 13/12/2022 11:11

There is a large (usually rectangular) lump of wood or upvc on hinges.
Lead him to the hole where this shape fits into and push the shape back into its slot until you can no longer see him.

It's very effective.

DarceyG · 13/12/2022 11:13

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 10:57

Thanks for the replies.

Yes we live together with my children from a previous relationship.
I'm paying for pretty much everything, he gives me a bit of money towards food but it doesn't cover a weeks shop.
He's paying for his exs phone bill and helping with her rent that I know of.
I am a mug aren't I? I can't sleep cos worrying about paying for things and he thinks it's acceptable.

This is a ridiculous situation, I have put up with some situations I should not have and you end up regretting it. You should not be financially supporting this grown man. Get him out and look after yourself. He is not worth the hassle.

Justcallmebebes · 13/12/2022 11:16

I came on to say that his financial dealings with his kids is none of your business but having read that he lives with you and contributes nothing towards your joint household, I've changed my mind.

He's a cocklodger and you're a mug to put up with it. Either he steps up financially or moves out. Why should you support him?

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 13/12/2022 11:17

Frapped · 13/12/2022 09:57

You really don't get to dictate what your boyfriend of less than 2 years does with his money. If you don't like it break up with him.

She does get to make him contribute financially to their household though.

Clymene · 13/12/2022 11:19

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 10:57

Thanks for the replies.

Yes we live together with my children from a previous relationship.
I'm paying for pretty much everything, he gives me a bit of money towards food but it doesn't cover a weeks shop.
He's paying for his exs phone bill and helping with her rent that I know of.
I am a mug aren't I? I can't sleep cos worrying about paying for things and he thinks it's acceptable.

Yes you're a mug

Azerothi · 13/12/2022 11:21

You sound way more invested in the relationship than your boyfriend of not even 2 years is. Why did you want this boyfriend to move in with you or was it his idea?

Azerothi · 13/12/2022 11:22

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 13/12/2022 11:17

She does get to make him contribute financially to their household though.

Show quote history

How can she make the boyfriend? He doesn't want to.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/12/2022 11:40

He is taking you for a mug! Get rid. How much can you love someone who happily takes the piss out of you?

Tohaveandtohold · 13/12/2022 11:44

You need to get rid of him. You’re are simply facilitating his life with his ex. Please raise your bar and don’t waste money you should be spending on your children on these people