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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His ex & adult children-anyone else struggle?

194 replies

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 09:52

My partner has an ex who he is still contributing financially to even though they have no joint assets or young children. When I bring it up it inevitably leads to an argument and him getting angry but he's not contributing much to our household.
He has 3 grown up daughters, all in their mid 30s and is forever lending or giving them money too as they never pay back. He says he has always done this and fears saying no will upset them. Its not for necessities if it was maybe I could understand but it's for takeaways etc.
We have been together nearly 2 years and still I am not allowed to visit his children's homes if the ex is there, at special events he can go, not me- incase the ex is upset.

Sometimes it feels like they are still the family unit and I'm just there. Anyone else struggle with situations like this?

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 13/12/2022 13:01

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 10:57

Thanks for the replies.

Yes we live together with my children from a previous relationship.
I'm paying for pretty much everything, he gives me a bit of money towards food but it doesn't cover a weeks shop.
He's paying for his exs phone bill and helping with her rent that I know of.
I am a mug aren't I? I can't sleep cos worrying about paying for things and he thinks it's acceptable.

Total mug. But it’s ok, you’ve wised up now. Get the pathetic free loader gone.

Winterpetal · 13/12/2022 13:02

Good god woman ,is your self esteem so low ,you can’t see your being used and taken for a ride by him.
kick the fucker out ,let his daughters house and feed him
what a dreadful message u are sending to your own children

workshy46 · 13/12/2022 13:04

Another day, another cocklodging thread. I really wonder what must have happened in these women's lives that they are literally so desperate for a man they would actually pay for one.
Even if not for yourself, do it for your children. What kind of example are you setting.
I mean he is not even trying to hide it from you. Being totally open about the fact he has zero respect for you and is using you as a ATM. Its actually unbelievable

GrohlOnAPole · 13/12/2022 13:09

You need to get rid as he’s a drain on you and your kids.

loving someone isn’t enough, they need to be good for you too. He’s not good for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2022 13:42

"'John', I am struggling with bills. I will need you to contribute <insert figure> every month to pay your share"

"Why? You know I can't do that! Besides, you have to pay the bills anyway"

"If you will not agree to this, you will have to move out."

"If you do this, I will never see you again. You're just a money-grubber!!!"

"Fine, goodbye. I expect you gone by the end of the day/ tomorrow."
<feels enormous weight lifted>

See how it goes? You'll be so much better off. Peace in your mind and a better state to your finances.

lunar1 · 13/12/2022 13:45

Your dependant children are subsiding him and his choices. Get him out of their home! Both you and your DC deserve better.

GabriellaMontez · 13/12/2022 17:28

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 12:35

Yeah am sure that's his way of thinking-i have to pay the bills anyway so why should he contribute.
He's complaining constantly that has no money but is on a decent wage.

Seeing it in black n white from strangers-puts it in perspective. I've accepted this situation by backing down whenever I've challenged him.

Well it's time to let him know that you're not compatible. You're looking for a relationship where you share financial responsibilities. Rather than you subsidise him and his ex at the expense of you and your children.

forrestgreen · 13/12/2022 17:53

I'd tell him
It's cheaper for you if he just goes back and lives with his ex.

But if he can pay your phone bill and give your kids some money that'd be great.

ScarlettSunset · 13/12/2022 18:15

I'm glad you're starting to see him for what he is. If he's not contributing enough then he's actively taking from you and your family. If I didn't 'contribute enough' for things I got from shops, it'd be called stealing.
Get rid of him. Don't let him steal from you or your children.

LimeCheesecake · 13/12/2022 18:37

If his contribution just covers the food he eats, would you be better off alone? Even if you don’t get any other benefit than not having to pay full council tax. him being there will push up your other bills - even just having to run the washing machine more frequently and extra hot water.

As for you are paying the bills anyway - if he was renting elsewhere, he’s have to pay his rent even if he was away with work.

time he got his own place.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 13/12/2022 18:40

Your children deserve better. It’s down to you to stop this. Put your children first and get rid of this parasitic loser.

LeilaDarling · 13/12/2022 18:43

Give yourself a great Christmas present and get rid of him.

Pictograph · 13/12/2022 18:44

It's up to him how much he supports his adult children, but it's up to YOU how much he contributes towards food and bills. Ask him to pay a fair share. If he refuses, I think you need to end it.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 13/12/2022 18:57

What exactly is your DP actually contributing? He's living rent free, bill free, more food than he pays for, I bet you do all his washing and the cleaning too.

Congratulations you're his mum that he gets to have sex with!

You're being a complete mug. He's driving up your costs and contributing nothing. Without him (wage dependent and child age dependent) you could be entitled to benefits, 25% off council tax bill and thats before the reduced electric and food!

Kick him out, you'll be better off in every way. He can go stay with one of the kids or ex since he's already supporting them. Tell him to have fun paying all that when he actually has to support himself too.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/12/2022 19:08

Oh dear, another one. I'm sure you're a lovely person Op but you're not being very clever here. He has no money because he spends it all elsewhere, but you're not supposed to complain because you have the pleasure of his company. Please wake up and smell the coffee - he's a user, he shamelessly lets you pay all the bills and doesn't see any wrong in it, and he will go on like that for as long as you let him. As someone up thread said, open the door,push him out of it, shut it behind him, don't let hime back in, job done

Georgeskitchen · 13/12/2022 19:11

Are you sure he's actually split up with his ex cos it doesn't sound like it from where I'm sitting. Pack his bags, draw him a map to his ex wife's house, open that lump of wood on hinges and shove him through it

DeeCeeCherry · 13/12/2022 19:33

You are an absolute mug. Denying yourself and your poor children a better lifestyle due to throwing money at a man so he can support his family. He's not just moved in with you in a very short time, you've also moved him in on your children.

Just, stop it. Get rid. You need to take time out, be honest with yourself as to why you are so needy of a man that you would put up with this nonsense, and then clear your head focus on yourself and your children at least for the near future.

IndysMamaRex · 13/12/2022 20:01

Get rid. He’s always going to put his ex before you. I’d understand if his children were still children but they’re adults & his ex is financially nothing to do with him. he’s being taken advantage of & doing it in turn to you. You deserve better

Tandora · 13/12/2022 20:03

Frapped · 13/12/2022 12:10

She literally doesn't though. She's calling him her partner but how long have they actually lived together? Why is he living with her children when they've not even been together for two years and doesn't help with rent.

All she can do is dump him. The issue isn't that he gives money to his family, but that's seemingly what she's most annoyed about. it's the only normal thing he's doing.

The fact is he doesn't want to pay rent. So kick him out if it's her place.

Show quote history

Agree with this! The problem is not that he’s generous to his children, the problem is he’s taking advantage of you. Please separate the two- do not pit yourself against his children and ex.

menopausalbloat · 13/12/2022 20:10

I think you already know what you need to do.

Fishwifer · 13/12/2022 20:17

I can't sleep cos worrying about paying for things and he thinks it's acceptable.

he's using you to pay their life costs. your children and you are paying for his family!

he needs to move out NOW.

and go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend.

this is far too much at 2 years into the relationship - he's expecting you to carry the load.

separate out finances vs being in a relationship - it isn't working.

RudsyFarmer · 13/12/2022 20:20

What exactly are you getting out of this? He must be an amazing shag.

Welshmonster · 13/12/2022 20:22

he is living rent free in your house. So I think you have answered your own question. You would be no worse off if he left. It really wouldn’t surprise me if he is still in a relationship with his ex and when he is away they are together.

close the door on this and don’t be fooled by false promises of change. Chuck him out and see what you can claim as a single parent with no other adult in house. You can reduce your council tax for a start if kids are under 18.

there are some nice people out there and you will meet your prince xx

Kitkatcatflap · 13/12/2022 20:26

If you told him to leave, and maybe he would go back and live with his ex ...... Perhaps then he would begin worrying about your feelings and taking you out more. You'd be better off too.

Gingerkittykat · 13/12/2022 20:30

Where did he live before he moved in with you/ Did he have to support himself or was there someone else subsidising him?

He could move back in with his ex if he is paying part of her rent, they could either be a couple again or housemates.