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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His ex & adult children-anyone else struggle?

194 replies

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 09:52

My partner has an ex who he is still contributing financially to even though they have no joint assets or young children. When I bring it up it inevitably leads to an argument and him getting angry but he's not contributing much to our household.
He has 3 grown up daughters, all in their mid 30s and is forever lending or giving them money too as they never pay back. He says he has always done this and fears saying no will upset them. Its not for necessities if it was maybe I could understand but it's for takeaways etc.
We have been together nearly 2 years and still I am not allowed to visit his children's homes if the ex is there, at special events he can go, not me- incase the ex is upset.

Sometimes it feels like they are still the family unit and I'm just there. Anyone else struggle with situations like this?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 13/12/2022 20:32

Bin him OP, for your self respect. He is telling you loud and proud that you and your kids are less important to him than a takeaway. Get fucking shot

LBFseBrom · 13/12/2022 20:33

I understand how you feel but, honestly, you've not been with the man for long and it looks as though he still wants to have a role in his ex's life. Perhaps he regrets the split, or is unsure - I don't know.

However there is no reason why you should be expected to pay for everything when he is living in your house. It's not fair to you or to your children. As yours are still at home I guess they are a lot younger than his.

Frapped · Today 09:57
You really don't get to dictate what your boyfriend of less than 2 years does with his money. If you don't like it break up with him.

I know it won't be easy but I think Frapped is right. Would you not feel better all round if you were on your own with your children, at least until they have flown the nest? You say you love him but most of us love more than two men/women in our lifetimes and we do get over relationships.

If you end it, it might actually be a relief to your partner; he will be forced to decide exactly what he wants. If his ex still gets a bit upset about you, she'd probably be glad to start over with him and he is likely to want the same. If you leave it too much longer it will be more difficult for both of you and you will be even more demoralised than you are now. At the moment you can cut your losses and part without bitterness.

Give it some serious thought, please.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/12/2022 20:45

lunar1 · 13/12/2022 13:45

Your dependant children are subsiding him and his choices. Get him out of their home! Both you and your DC deserve better.

This. 100 per cent

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 21:09

🙏Get rid

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 21:14

I'm made to feel like I'm unreasonable for feeling this way
he's gaslighting you, PLEASE wake up and put a stop to this, let us help you with a plan to get him gone🙏

CoffeePleaseNotDecaff · 13/12/2022 21:25

I wish I could give you a hug but I'm just going to say that you've posted on here for a reason. Hopefully all the previous replies, no matter how harsh, has helped you realise that you and your children deserve better. If and when you move on with your life he will realise how much he depended on you and you will realise how much lighter life can be. Yes, it's going to be difficult but take the first step. Get yourself out of this situation. I'll say it again, you and your children deserve better. All the best.

HotSauceCommittee · 13/12/2022 21:29

He is not going to change.
You are unhappy and can't realistically continue like this.
You know the answer.
Put yourself and your kids first and fuck him off.

Original poster
PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 21:57

Thank u all for being honest really appreciate it.

I do think he wants to be involved in his exs life in some way and likes being the one to come to her rescue.

Prior to this I was in a domestic abusive relationship so my self esteem isn't great and I've felt in past second best/jealous/,insecure so wasn't sure if this was my issue.

I ended it a bit ago due to few things inc issues around his ex - she had seen us together in street, got upset and his children had a go at him, he ended up apologising that ex was upset. I felt like a mistress.

To be honest, I was ok when I ended it because I didn't have the worry over my head, I missed him don't get me wrong but I wasn't paranoid or on eggshells.

I'm getting resentful and today snapped at my kids because of this built up frustration and that's not right. Thank u all for confirming what I've thought deep down.

OP posts:
chocolateasaltyballs22 · 13/12/2022 22:19

You ended it and then got back with him? Your update just makes him sound even worse as he clearly isn't prioritising you. You deserve so much better than this.

Mamma2017 · 13/12/2022 23:01

Christmascandycane · 13/12/2022 11:11

There is a large (usually rectangular) lump of wood or upvc on hinges.
Lead him to the hole where this shape fits into and push the shape back into its slot until you can no longer see him.

It's very effective.

Oh I love this!! Perfect

And I really hope OP follows this. 🙏🏼

Mamma2017 · 13/12/2022 23:20

OP you are currently in an abusive relationship right now. Financially and Emotionally (the gaslighting, making you second guess your feelings).
Time to do the right thing for you and your children asap.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/12/2022 00:20

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/12/2022 10:53

Presumably you knew all this before you decided to become a “household”? Why didn’t you insist that financial contributions were agreed then? Give him an ultimatum: he contributes fairly to the bills for your house, or you won’t be living together any more.

The issue of not being invited to his adult children’s homes is irrelevant. Unsurprisingly, they’d prefer to have their mum there for big events than their dad’s new girlfriend. Do you really expect him to ask them not to include their mum at their special events in favour of you?

This!! You've been together 2 years! Was this not something you discussed?

SemperIdem · 14/12/2022 00:25

Yabu to consider allowing this arrangement to continue a moment longer.

He is taking the absolute piss out of you

Padz · 14/12/2022 06:34

Sorry that you’re in an awful situation again, I think you knew what to do when you posted your question, you just needed others to back you up!
Good luck with giving him the elbow, you’ll be much better off without him, 💯 he’ll be back with his ex after Christmas!

Original poster
PebblesHarley · 17/12/2022 01:52

Update*

So it all came out.
Tonight after a few beers I said something about gas prices.....he got nasty said past week gave me £100 ...he hadnt , regardless before that was giving me 50 quid week x
He said he's never here....
I said so you worked same as when lived with your ex but paid for everything then n are still paying her rent...
I didn't pay for everything....he forgets what he's told me.
I said what about when you worked nights away n lived with ex....did u deduct money from her?no
He called me a greedy cow , said hes my boyfriend......I said so u think 50 quid week is acceptable to pay for your food,drink, gas,leccy ,etc week.....
He said stop drinking that'll pay for your gas....
This was in front of my kids. He said he doesn't have to pay for my kids too.
He said he pays for if we go anywhere ....i said when is that....
he's coming for his stuff tomorrow and stormed out .
He said because i had alcohol i was starting-no its been on mind for ages and fact he thinks its acceptable....for him to pay 50 week - let him use alcohol, I'm a plonky that's why this happened.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 17/12/2022 03:47

OP, what a horrible way to repay for all you have done for him. Good riddance!

churrios · 17/12/2022 04:05

He spoke down to you in front of your kids, show them how to stand up to someone who shouldn’t be in your life x

jalopy · 17/12/2022 04:07

He sounds awful. Better off without.

Mamma2017 · 17/12/2022 04:09

PebblesHarley · 17/12/2022 01:52

Update*

So it all came out.
Tonight after a few beers I said something about gas prices.....he got nasty said past week gave me £100 ...he hadnt , regardless before that was giving me 50 quid week x
He said he's never here....
I said so you worked same as when lived with your ex but paid for everything then n are still paying her rent...
I didn't pay for everything....he forgets what he's told me.
I said what about when you worked nights away n lived with ex....did u deduct money from her?no
He called me a greedy cow , said hes my boyfriend......I said so u think 50 quid week is acceptable to pay for your food,drink, gas,leccy ,etc week.....
He said stop drinking that'll pay for your gas....
This was in front of my kids. He said he doesn't have to pay for my kids too.
He said he pays for if we go anywhere ....i said when is that....
he's coming for his stuff tomorrow and stormed out .
He said because i had alcohol i was starting-no its been on mind for ages and fact he thinks its acceptable....for him to pay 50 week - let him use alcohol, I'm a plonky that's why this happened.

Ah the gaslighter’s classic of “it’s all your fault because you drink” such a toxic trait to attempt to appear as though he has the moral high ground by making you out to be a drunk.
Well from what you said I think you handled this piece of shit sponger bloody brilliantly actually good on you!! Stay strong for you & your kids! You’ve done amazing and can clearly see him now for the abuser he is. Good one! 💐

MintJulia · 17/12/2022 04:27

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/12/2022 11:40

He is taking you for a mug! Get rid. How much can you love someone who happily takes the piss out of you?

This.
stop wasting your time.

Pictograph · 17/12/2022 07:04

Stay strong OP. He says he's coming for his stuff and moving out, but you may find he suddenly changes his mind when he thinks about the alternatives as he's onto such a cushy number here. Make sure he really does leave!

thewayround · 17/12/2022 07:09

How old are your children op?

thewayround · 17/12/2022 07:09

Do you have a problem with alcohol?

Original poster
PebblesHarley · 17/12/2022 07:27

2 of my kids are late teens and youngest is 9.
No I don't have problem with alcohol, he doesnt drink at all.
I should have maybe waited to say at a better time . Dreading today because he can get quite nasty and defensive.

OP posts:
ZombieMumEB · 17/12/2022 07:34

Good luck for today, and stay strong.

You deserve so much better than him, and he will never change. He will always put his ex before you.

Just remind yourself - that the longer you are with him, the less likely you are to meet someone else who will treat you with respect.