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AIBU?

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Original poster

His ex & adult children-anyone else struggle?

194 replies

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 09:52

My partner has an ex who he is still contributing financially to even though they have no joint assets or young children. When I bring it up it inevitably leads to an argument and him getting angry but he's not contributing much to our household.
He has 3 grown up daughters, all in their mid 30s and is forever lending or giving them money too as they never pay back. He says he has always done this and fears saying no will upset them. Its not for necessities if it was maybe I could understand but it's for takeaways etc.
We have been together nearly 2 years and still I am not allowed to visit his children's homes if the ex is there, at special events he can go, not me- incase the ex is upset.

Sometimes it feels like they are still the family unit and I'm just there. Anyone else struggle with situations like this?

OP posts:
Saltovinegar · 17/12/2022 07:36

Pack his stuff, put it on the doorstep and go out.

thewayround · 17/12/2022 07:43

PebblesHarley · 17/12/2022 07:27

2 of my kids are late teens and youngest is 9.
No I don't have problem with alcohol, he doesnt drink at all.
I should have maybe waited to say at a better time . Dreading today because he can get quite nasty and defensive.

Why did you move in a man in to your family home so soon after getting together with him?

thewayround · 17/12/2022 07:44

I'm paying for pretty much everything

this is all money that could go towards your children

thewayround · 17/12/2022 07:45

I am a mug aren't I?

well I don’t know about that but it is clear that your decisions are depriving your own children of money that is being funnelled towards a man you hardly know, his ex and his adult children

unicornsarereal72 · 17/12/2022 07:55

Stay strong you are doing the right thing get his stuff together so he can take it as leave. Tell him you don't want to talk about it and he needs to go quickly. You are showing your children how strong women behave.

Campervangirl · 17/12/2022 08:05

Good for you op, don't take any shit about drinking, having a drink will have helped you say it (I'm very loose lipped after a couple of glasses of 🍷)
He's blamed you, gaslit you, called you greedy and a drinker and flounced off.
The next part of the script is he'll return today when he thinks you've been punished enough and allow you to apologise to him, FUCK THAT.
Pack his stuff and put it on the doorstep.
Be strong op ❤️

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 17/12/2022 08:08

thewayround · 17/12/2022 07:09

Do you have a problem with alcohol?

Oh shut up, you're as bad as him.

Well done OP, good riddance to the twat. My ex used to use the alcohol thing as well. Gaslighting twat he was.

Onekidnoclue · 17/12/2022 08:08

Good riddance and good luck. X

EmmaDilemma5 · 17/12/2022 08:11

Your kids don't need another aggressive, unkind relationship playing out in front of them. Your poor 9 year old, probably only remembers seeing you in horrible relationships.

Time to move on and improve your expectations on men. And also so having inappropriate arguments infront of the kids

maddening · 17/12/2022 08:11

If he is not contributing equally to the household and lifestyle then he is cocklodging and you are financing his ex. It has only been 2 years, I would cut and run.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 17/12/2022 08:11

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 10:57

Thanks for the replies.

Yes we live together with my children from a previous relationship.
I'm paying for pretty much everything, he gives me a bit of money towards food but it doesn't cover a weeks shop.
He's paying for his exs phone bill and helping with her rent that I know of.
I am a mug aren't I? I can't sleep cos worrying about paying for things and he thinks it's acceptable.

Yes... Sadly...

He's walked all over you...

You're essentially paying his exes phone bill and for his adult daughters spends continually....

The only way I wouldn/could do this is. If I ACTUALLY wanted to.... (I wouldn't).... Just why would anyone agree to this.!.?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 17/12/2022 08:13

Be polite and hold the door open for him!! Then shut it firmly behind him.

maddening · 17/12/2022 08:14

Sorry should have seen the update, good job. I would pack up hos stuff and have it by the door, he doesn't get further in your house than that, if he thinks anything is.missing he can let you know

Sleepybumble · 17/12/2022 08:14

Good luck today op. You've absolutely done the right thing, well done. Stay strong.

pictish · 17/12/2022 08:18

Oh god put him out.

You're a convenient provider to him. He has absolutely no respect for you.

I am not surprised that he stormed out. You're standing up for yourself and telling the truth about him so he'll be furious. You're supposed to be grateful that he graces you with his presence, not asking him to pay his way.

How interesting that he called you greedy. Talk about projection eh?

He'll be back...having had time to mull things over. He'll either hit you with further furious accusations in an attempt to scare and shame you into shutting up...or he'll come shuffling in all contrite in an attempt to manipulate you into shutting up.

Do not shut up.

mynameisbrian · 17/12/2022 08:18

Pack his stuff and leave it at the door. And in future take time to reflect why your bar is set so low. Your poor kids have had to witness your poor relationship decisions and moving shit bags into their safe place. This one didn’t add any value to your home and you ended up struggling financially- when people move in together it should benefit both parties - seems it benefitted him and you and your DC went without. Put your DC first

pictish · 17/12/2022 08:33

Seriously his behaviour over being asked to contribute is more than bad enough to put the kybosh on the whole thing. This singular incident justifies an immediate split, never mind everything else. You say he can be nasty and defensive so you have clearly been on the receiving end of some shit already.

You need no further justification. He is taking dreadful advantage of you and he's not even fucking nice about it.

Get this arsehole out.

Willmafrockfit · 17/12/2022 08:35

great,
you had dutch courage
stay strong,

SchoolQuestionnaire · 17/12/2022 08:38

Just leave his stuff outside. You owe him
nothing and you don’t have to deal with him. Well done op, stay strong and don’t let him back in.

redastherose · 17/12/2022 08:41

Get some bin bags put his stuff in it and put it outside, he's pissed off because he's been called out on being a grade A cocklodger. Do not apologise for what you said, he will expect you to be sorry that you dared to speak to him like that, well you shouldn't be at all. You did the right thing and now you and your kids can enjoy a relaxing Christmas without this tosser.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/12/2022 08:41

What a vile man. All his stuff would be in bin bags at the front door and I wouldn’t be speaking to him at all. Let him find some other sucker to support him on £50 a week!

Enjoy Christmas and the rest of your life without this leech.

pinkfondu · 17/12/2022 08:43

You have a conversation with him but you do not mention what he gives to any of them.

Your concern and conversation is about what he should be contributing to your household. He needs to pay his fair share of the bills. How he does that or the impact of that is his problem and not your concern

CiderJolly · 17/12/2022 08:48

I hope you’ve put all his stuff in bags on the doorstep. Lock the door and have a nice day with your children. Any problems call the police.

Please put your children first from now on- if you do that all of your lives will be so much happier. I would be apologising to them too- remember you have choices, they don’t.

Lilliflip · 17/12/2022 08:51

Yes stay strong… he’s pissed off because you called him out and he knows it. As others said bag up his stuff and leave it outside so he really has no need to come in. One final text to say ‘your stuff is outside’ is all you need to do.
Just remember what you were asking was entirely reasonable, he just gas lit you as he felt entitled to sponge off you and your kids. This isn’t money grabbing, it’s fairness.

MamaFirst · 17/12/2022 08:54

Again, he's a dick. Pack his stuff up and leave it on the doorstep. You're well rid.

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