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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His ex & adult children-anyone else struggle?

194 replies

PebblesHarley · 13/12/2022 09:52

My partner has an ex who he is still contributing financially to even though they have no joint assets or young children. When I bring it up it inevitably leads to an argument and him getting angry but he's not contributing much to our household.
He has 3 grown up daughters, all in their mid 30s and is forever lending or giving them money too as they never pay back. He says he has always done this and fears saying no will upset them. Its not for necessities if it was maybe I could understand but it's for takeaways etc.
We have been together nearly 2 years and still I am not allowed to visit his children's homes if the ex is there, at special events he can go, not me- incase the ex is upset.

Sometimes it feels like they are still the family unit and I'm just there. Anyone else struggle with situations like this?

OP posts:
poefaced · 19/12/2022 11:39

Well done OP! Has all his stuff gone?

HopelesslyOptimistic · 19/12/2022 11:58

Tell him you can't afford to subsidise him & his family anymore. Give him 4 weeks to find somewhere else to live. Continue the relationship if you love each other.... my guess when you give him this ultimatum a huge change in attitude towards your generosity. But don't be fooled, he needs to move out! He contributes nothing but misery. Be strong OP,

Willmafrockfit · 19/12/2022 12:00

hopefully the op isnt giving him 4 weeks even

poefaced · 19/12/2022 12:15

HopelesslyOptimistic · 19/12/2022 11:58

Tell him you can't afford to subsidise him & his family anymore. Give him 4 weeks to find somewhere else to live. Continue the relationship if you love each other.... my guess when you give him this ultimatum a huge change in attitude towards your generosity. But don't be fooled, he needs to move out! He contributes nothing but misery. Be strong OP,

He has left the house, and will try and worm his way back in.

OP is absolutely right, she has bagged up his crap to be collected.

He should never step foot in her house again.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 19/12/2022 12:18

Blimin heck missed the updates. Fab news well done OP & the very best of luck in 2023.

Tomatoblush · 19/12/2022 12:26

We’ll done OP.
Lets hope he’s gone for good.
You and your kids deserve more than this user.

JoyBeorge · 19/12/2022 12:26

PebblesHarley · 17/12/2022 20:52

Thank you all for your replies.
He sent a few friendly texts, sent photo of his grandchild then said was coming for his things -he didn't,then said someone coming for them tomorrow. He's flipped from being nice one minute,if you needed more money should have asked, to it feels like wanting to provoke an argument or get reaction out of me.
His focus is that he is homeless due to me and my demands,not even attempted to fix things.
I've been in an abusive relationship before and feel stupid because I have felt that this isn't right. My go to, is to apologise, blame myself , I should have done x y z and this is what I've done in past with him . I just hoped that things would get better .
Have said stuff ready for collection tomorrow , my friend going to come around for support.
My older kids have spoke to me today and I've said sorry to them,I feel like a shit mother. They're not happy with the things they heard him say.
Someone said about me setting an example to my kids and as hard as it was to hear,thank you. I want my kids to have healthy relationships and boundaries.
I've actually signed up to do the Freedom Prog last week, good timing hey?
Xx

So has he left?

Original poster
PebblesHarley · 19/12/2022 12:42

Yes he has left. He's accepted no blame in it all, it's all my fault. Am just trying to stay strong for my kids xx

OP posts:
PropertyGeek525 · 19/12/2022 12:56

You’ve done the right thing. All the best for 2023. 🙂

churrios · 19/12/2022 13:00

Good for you. You’re not a shit mum so don’t be down on yourself, be kind to yourself you’ve been through enough. No regrets don’t let him wheedle his way back this time there is nothing in this relationship for you long term and you know that. Hope you have a lovely Xmas with the kids and happiness in the new year.

AnotherForumUser · 19/12/2022 13:16

PebblesHarley · 19/12/2022 12:42

Yes he has left. He's accepted no blame in it all, it's all my fault. Am just trying to stay strong for my kids xx

So glad he's gone. You will be mourning a relationship, that is normal. Look after yourself and your children, you are the ones that matter here. He used you and took advantage. He is a fully fledged cock lodger. People like that will never accept responsibility for their behaviour and the consequences of that behaviour. They always play the victim. Their behaviour is quite pathetic when you think about it. Enjoy your Christmas without this pestilential parasite sucking everything from you and your family.

Pictograph · 19/12/2022 13:43

Well done OP. It doesn't matter what he says about who's fault it was. Even if he truly believes it was your fault - who cares? When you're over the initial sadness over the breakup you'll be so much better without him.

JoyBeorge · 19/12/2022 13:47

Good for you. Don't let him gaslight you. It's not your fault he's an idiot. Paying his ex's rent and phone bill while contributing nothing to you is ridiculous. He was using you.

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 19/12/2022 14:01

OP my ex husband will say it was my fault we got divorced to his dying day, even though he was gaslighting, abusive used to push me around and push me 'because I provoked him.' It took me a long time to stop caring, hopefully you can move on quickly.

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 19/12/2022 14:01

Punch me, that should have said.

Jimboscott0115 · 19/12/2022 14:05

There's red flags everywhere here - he's taking you for a ride. Firstly he needs to contribute his share of the household bills, I'd argue 50%... Then, and only then do I think it's worth even discussing the other relationship issues because him not contributing means he's freeloading off you and he doesn't respect you.

OldPosterOlderMum · 19/12/2022 14:17

Well done OP, the rubbish took itself out as they say. Excellent timing re the Freedom Programme, but probably not a coincidence? This is a huge step you have taken, for your children and yourself. Very best of luck to you 👍👍

billy1966 · 19/12/2022 15:41

There is a special type of scum that leaches off a single parent.

He's one of them.

Absolute scum.

He may well reach out to you again.

He is now homeless because he thought you would continue to be a mug and pay for him and his family, taking food from YOUR children.

I mean this kindly, but it sounds as if they have heard and witnessed stuff they shouldn't have.

It would be good for them to hear you explain how wrong it is to allow someone use you and your home, that it is importand to protect yourself financially from spongers.

I have a great husband but that doesn't stop me telling my daughters that they need to be aware that not all men are decent and kind.

The Shark Cage analogy is a great one to have them read online.

Well done for getting rid of him and good luck with the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

XanaduKira · 19/12/2022 15:50

Well done Op. You'll be much better off without him in your life.

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