Buying for the 'kids' when they're in fact grabby adults!!

[AppelationStation]

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

After this Christmas, say that from now on you’ll only be buying for children 18 and under and likewise don’t expect anyone to buy you presents either. Your adult niece has presumably had twenty odd years worth of gifts from you so she isn’t being left out, she’s just aged out. Just be assertive.

Set an age limit next year, under 18s only.

I would have told eldest niece that the items on her list were out of budget, and asked for other more budget friendly ideas, if none were forthcoming it would be a token gift of chocolate/smellies

If they disagree to reducing your spending next year then just cancel all gifts to all neices and nephews.

Then buy a small token gift from your siblings to your child yourself. Sounds like it would cost you a lot less that way and he would get better gifts.

You could do that this year and keep the perfume for yourself 😎

Absolutely agree with @Sidking set an age limit next year. We've only bought for children in our family for years and once they hit 18 the presents stop

I think you should just say that after this Christmas, you’ll be doing presents for under 18s only. I suppose you could just say that now but it is quite close to the day. Just be prepared for them to say that it’s ‘unfair’ as yours are under 18, or that you’re being crafty.
As for the expensive presents for the niece, just go off list.

We stopped when they turned 18. Sister and niece sound grabby. As someone else said she's probably had plenty of gifts over the years, when is it supposed to stop? I think it's different if you are very close and have only a couple and plenty of money.

This year send equivalent gifts to what your DC has received from your sibling. In hindsight you should have created a list for DC with things of equal value to DN.

You need to be honest. You don’t have the money to buy expensive gifts for adults. End of.

Some of the other nieces and nephews are 18 or just over, at uni living in crummy digs and working to earn a pittance while they study. Seems a shame not to buy them something. They always ask for a lot less though. This year the requests were some nice tea/a t shirt/sweets.

My Brothers kids are in their 20s and I still buy for them but they/sil don’t ask and aren’t grabby. I will probably always do it even when they have families of their own
In your shoes though I would send them £10 or equivalent in a card

Bonkers.

Send grabby niece a book via Amazon prime. Unwrapped. And vow not to buy for her at all next year. She's being being left out. She's not a child who has had her years of toys at xmas!!

Match what your sister has spent on your kids this year and match her effort too.

Next year maybe just skip gifting completely? I don't think all this extended gift giving is necessary tbh.

Well you can see who your niece has learned it from! I hope she didn't use the word "hurry up"?!

I'd intentionally send it late if she did!

I have the same issue (and I'm also the child-free one!). DSis has four children - age range 7months to 20 years.
Apparently, it's unfair of me to just buy for the children, as I have to treat the 20 yo the same as I do the others, so they don't feel 'left out'. I got the 20 yo a gift this year, but next year planning on a 'smellies set'.

To make it fairer DSis buys me and my DH a present, but then we also have to buy her and her DP a gift too (would feel awful if we didn't), but then I also bought DSis a birthday present this year, and she completely forgot my birthday.

The 20yo also had a pregnancy scare this year, and I was told by my mum that it was expected I buy the baby a present too - I pointed out to my DM that she doesn't buy her great neices and nephews presents, but her response was that there are too many of them, and this baby is in 'our family' and the 'first'.

Buying for children is always awkward because when do you stop, especially as not all children reach adulthood at the same time

I'd send her £10 or a voucher for boots that she can put towards her expensive perfume....

We stopped buying for kids at 21. My kids were the oldest so it was easy for me to suggest it as it would be my kids not getting presents first.

Utterly ridiculous. New rule next year - gifts for under 21s only.

I’m 27 and married with two kids, I would be so embarrassed to send my auntie a link for expensive gifts to buy me. So juvenile and self-absorbed. We buy for kids only in our family.

It can be hard to break a norm in a family, but you need to just laugh and say “kids and young adults/hard up students only”. It’s gone on long enough.

If you’ve got older teens / young adults you could say something like ‘under 21s only’ or ‘limited to those who don’t own their own home’s

Besides which, how is this grown ass woman not totally embarrassed to be receiving flash gifts from her aunt as she pushes 30?!

Did she ask or tell?

Asking if you could send it sooner because of xyz is a request.

Telling you to send it sooner is a demand.

If you can’t afford it, just say so. They’re family, should be some understanding between family even though I know that isn’t always the case for many.

I stopped buying Xmas & birthday presents for my niece and nephews after their 21st birthdays. That was my decision and no-one questioned me about it. I was generous during their childhoods, but now I give presents to their children, my grand nieces and nephews. There has to be a cut-off at some point, I think. Adults that expect presents from extended family ABU.

We stop buying for nieces and nephews at 21 which is plenty as far as i am concerned. It is a bit grabby if they are being demanding and would put me off. In fact, in our family once they turn 21 they then join in the adult Kris Kindle - we only buy one present for one person in our family.

I wouldn't spend 37 quid on anyone other than maybe my parents! We as adults all just give token gifts - a nice book or something.

I find that gross to be honest - you are a parent and have bills to pay why on earth should you be treating another adult to expensive gifts.

I think though that people have to take responsibility here - I just wouldn't go along with this. I find it painful enough to cough up for my little nephews and neices - yes I want to treat them but they (and my own children) have enough!!

Personally I'd introduce the under-18 rule for everyone. The "nice" nephews and nieces could surely get a little something from you, sent separately. In my family we do a similar thing - nobody over 18 gets a wrapped gift, but I send the "nice" older ones 20 quid in a card.

We don't buy for neices/nephews/cousins once they are working and financially independent. So if they are 18 but studying, working part time etc then I still like to treat them. No way would I be guilted into buying perfume and designer clothes for an adult who earns well and owns their own home on the basis that thier parents think they should be treated the same as a child! No wonder she has grown up to be a CF.

No presents for over 18s and a £10 limit per child.

ugh sounds like my family. I was buying for nieces and nephews in their 30s who earn a lot more than me, down to mid teens. A few years ago I said no more buying for adults, just for kids under 18, they stopped buying for my kids once all of theirs turned 18 even though mine were 11 and 15 at the time. I had been buying for theirs for years, long before mine were born. With the expectation that I would carry on buying for their children’s children (my great nieces and nephews).
Seriously CBA with it any more, I just buy for my daughters and a couple of close friends, rest of family is too much effort.

This. id just send her a £20 boots voucher to put towards her preferred perfume and not send her anything nexg year.

I'd continueto do for other nephew and neices but just stop exchanging gifts with grabby sister. You dont need another "gift" of lower value than you spend on dn and you have to wrap.