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Original poster

Buying for the 'kids' when they're in fact grabby adults!!

246 replies

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:33

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

OP posts:
BabyDriversMummy · 14/12/2022 06:04

We stop buying for the ‘kids’ at 21
They all earn more than us!

SofaSurferfinder · 14/12/2022 10:19

Please excuse me as I’m tired and may have read it wrong , but the 27 year old still writes a Christmas list !? This is ridiculous in itself , you get what your given !

funrunning · 14/12/2022 11:07

I would be sending a token gift, not expensive cosmetics or perfume. Don’t ask for a list and if provided with one, say you are cutting down as it is very expensive buying gifts for x number of nieces and nephews.

We buy for one side of the family’s adult nieces and nephews and once they started earning properly, they reciprocated. Other side get nothing as they failed to even send a thank you as adults, let alone gifts.

grlwhowrites · 14/12/2022 14:35

YANBU at all, your sister and niece sound like entitled brats.

Presumably, your niece has had presents bought for her for 27 years? So she wouldn't be missing out at all if, going forward, you stop buying presents at 18. Greedy niece will actually have received more gifts than others and, at her age, she should really be buying for you and not the other way around.

I think extended gift buying gets ridiculous and excessive. If you're determined to carry on for the sake of other older nieces and nephews who aren't so grabby, then put a £10 limit on it or do Secret Santa.

I also can't believe your DC is only getting a book when you've spent so much on DN. Budgets should be matched to keep things fair. Please, please put your foot down with your greedy, demanding relatives! You deserve better.

grlwhowrites · 14/12/2022 15:27

MickeyMouseShithouse · 12/12/2022 11:36

I mean, k get that if your buying something for one sibling it’s probably nice to buy something for the other, you wouldn’t want to exclude just one siblings regardless of age?

but - bugger that list. I’d buy out of courtesy so she isn’t left out while her siblings get a present from you but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate what she’s brought. A present is a gift not a request.

I don't think it's "excluding" based on age, the 27-year-old existed and got presents long before some of her cousins were even born. If it all stops when everyone turns 18, then that's fair regardless of age because everyone will eventually age out and everyone will have the same number of years worth of presents. If the 27-year-old still got presents until her siblings turned 18, then she'd be getting more just for the sheer luck of being born first.

Monsun · 14/12/2022 15:38

It's actually very sweet that you don't want to exclude any of them. Also, it makes sense to send all the gifts together just as you'd planned.

I would use this as an opportunity to have a conversation about setting a clear budget for the future. I've had to do this... just rip that plaster off!

And like many others here have said, we have a budget of <£10 for 'extended' family, because it's really just about being remembered; but it doesn't matter to us if they're 7 or 27... or 97!

CynsterBitch · 14/12/2022 16:06

We’ve always stopped presents at 16 in my family, doesn’t seem to have done any harm or make any feel less loved for the reason

MinnieGirl · 14/12/2022 16:22

Take the present back and send a £10 boots voucher.
Tell your sister you got an unexpected bill so had to return DN present as you needed the cash. And that you will only be buying for under 18’s and students next year as you can’t afford it any more, and it will be a token present.
Your niece sounds very grabby and is old enough to know better.

Shelby2010 · 14/12/2022 21:31

21 is a good age to stop

HollyDollyChristmas · 14/12/2022 22:37

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/12/2022 00:14

Already said this on a previous thread. This is crazy! Either recipients are stupidly grabby or the present-givers are naive. Nobody needs to give presents to adults ever, in my opinion. DH and I tend to give a few small bits just to open, and we buy a TV or holiday etc and call that our present. My siblings and I do a secret santa and we sometime do tree presents if we see something fun, but no need to buy 'proper presents'. Christmas is really about the kids! We all agreed to stop for nieces and nephews aged 21, otherwise when do you draw the line? (It does feel mean when each gets to that point, but at least they know the score. Nobody wants to give stuff to dozens of thirty-somethings earning more than we do, after all......)

Nobody needs to give presents to adults ever, in my opinion.

I’m so grateful that I had the grandmother and great aunt (sisters) that I did. Until they died when I was 30 they always bought me a little something, some toiletries, stationery or a novel - nothing expensive and I always appreciated the thoughtfulness. I said to myself as a young adult that I would do the same when I became an aunt. I really find some of the comments like the one quoted here quite sad, it’s almost as if people don’t want to get their nieces and nephews gifts and they’re counting down to their adulthood and it stopping. It’s irrelevant how much they earn IMO and do you cancel Christmas if there are no children in your family?

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/12/2022 23:06

HollyDollyChristmas · 14/12/2022 22:37

Nobody needs to give presents to adults ever, in my opinion.

I’m so grateful that I had the grandmother and great aunt (sisters) that I did. Until they died when I was 30 they always bought me a little something, some toiletries, stationery or a novel - nothing expensive and I always appreciated the thoughtfulness. I said to myself as a young adult that I would do the same when I became an aunt. I really find some of the comments like the one quoted here quite sad, it’s almost as if people don’t want to get their nieces and nephews gifts and they’re counting down to their adulthood and it stopping. It’s irrelevant how much they earn IMO and do you cancel Christmas if there are no children in your family?

Show quote history

OK sorry, I was a bit black and white there. I suppose it totally depends on your wider family set up. If you have children and lots of nieces and nephews, then it makes sense to restrict stuff. If you have a smaller family, then it's totally different.

GUARDIAN1 · 15/12/2022 01:02

HollyDollyChristmas · 14/12/2022 22:37

Nobody needs to give presents to adults ever, in my opinion.

I’m so grateful that I had the grandmother and great aunt (sisters) that I did. Until they died when I was 30 they always bought me a little something, some toiletries, stationery or a novel - nothing expensive and I always appreciated the thoughtfulness. I said to myself as a young adult that I would do the same when I became an aunt. I really find some of the comments like the one quoted here quite sad, it’s almost as if people don’t want to get their nieces and nephews gifts and they’re counting down to their adulthood and it stopping. It’s irrelevant how much they earn IMO and do you cancel Christmas if there are no children in your family?

Show quote history

I love buying presents but unfortunately things are very tight and I can't afford to keep on giving to more and more people as new generations are born. I also had aunts who lived well into my adulthood who sent me small gifts right up to the last year each was alive. I always appreciated it and always thanked them.

I'm still buying for a very ungrateful young man because he still lives with his parents and younger sibling. He hasn't thanked me for a gift for at least six years . I feel fully entitled not to buy for him once he lives independently. If I bought for other, similarly unappreciative adults in my family, I definitely couldn't afford to buy for my sister-in-law, to whom I'm close, or a couple of close friends to whom I want to give a little something

People are just in different circumstances and have different priorities.

MadMadaMim · 15/12/2022 14:07

Adult DNs who are no longer in education get one gift in our family. We do a Secret Santa type thing where they get one nice gift which is from all Aunts/Uncles. We pick names randomly, agree max spend, recipient sends list of what rhye may like if they wish.

And everyone's happier as we're not all spending ridiculous money on numerous presents for adults and recipients get what they want.

It works so well, we're going to stray (next year) doing the same for sidings too as we're all financially worse off the past few years.

HollyDollyChristmas · 15/12/2022 16:26

MadMadaMim · 15/12/2022 14:07

Adult DNs who are no longer in education get one gift in our family. We do a Secret Santa type thing where they get one nice gift which is from all Aunts/Uncles. We pick names randomly, agree max spend, recipient sends list of what rhye may like if they wish.

And everyone's happier as we're not all spending ridiculous money on numerous presents for adults and recipients get what they want.

It works so well, we're going to stray (next year) doing the same for sidings too as we're all financially worse off the past few years.

That’s a good idea - Christmas isn’t just for children

Twowilldo50 · 17/12/2022 18:11

What’s wrong with a box of Maltesers and a scratch card each for the bigger ones, and chocolate and socks or a toy shop voucher for littlies? Writing a list as a working adult is childish, and in this case is selfish.

Twowilldo50 · 17/12/2022 18:14

My son of 26 is autistic and he gets a little something from his aunts and uncles, and in return we send something little for our nieces and nephews, and make fudge, sloe gin or biscuits for our siblings.

knittingaddict · 17/12/2022 18:33

We decided to stop at 18 by mutual agreement - brother stopped buying my children presents when they reached 18. When his got to 18 I stopped buying for his. No one moaned or created drama about it.

Could you discuss this with your family?

Skynorth · 17/12/2022 20:41

First world problems, huh…..!

Gemcat1 · 17/12/2022 23:31

I'm absolutely with the others. To me children are under 18. When my DH's family talked about children it was up to the age of 21, well, for theirs, for ours it was 18. It sounds like the niece is an entitled spoilt brat.

soraya · 18/12/2022 17:21

I had a similar problem. I was in a junior job and all the other friends/family that we used to buy presents for (for Christmas, birthdays, coming back from holiday...) all had a lot more children than me (i only had one) so it ended up being really expensive and tbh, quite unfair on me.

Franticbutterfly · 20/12/2022 23:03

We stop buying gifts for DNs on the child's 18th birthday. Hard and fast rule works for me. We still send cards.

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