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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying for the 'kids' when they're in fact grabby adults!!

246 replies

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:33

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

OP posts:
MRSDoos · 12/12/2022 11:19

I think you need to put boundaries in place. Set an age limit or next year everyone has a £10-15 budget. My parents, aunties and uncles agreed on a budget and set age to 18 for buying us and my cousins gifts.

RedFluffySofa · 12/12/2022 11:21

£37 ?!?!?!

That is a ridiculous price tag for a niece gift.

Completely unmanageable.

Clymene · 12/12/2022 11:24

This is ridiculous. We do a secret Santa for all the adults - regardless if they're nieces, nephews or parents.

Everyone buys a really nice gift for one other person.

That's it.

Janieread · 12/12/2022 11:26

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:48

Some of the other nieces and nephews are 18 or just over, at uni living in crummy digs and working to earn a pittance while they study. Seems a shame not to buy them something. They always ask for a lot less though. This year the requests were some nice tea/a t shirt/sweets.

I don't think you can buy presents based on your perceived view of their circumstances. Just say 18 and under only or - what I do - ignore lists and buy something small or a book.

Irishfarmer · 12/12/2022 11:27

No way would I be spending that on her. In my family kids 'age out' at 18yrs because there are LOADS of them. DH only has 1 niece and 1 nephew so they spend a good bit, well his sister (not their mum) buys it and tells him how much his half is!

Janieread · 12/12/2022 11:29

I`ve just seen shes 27! I doubt I'd buy presents at that age tbh. Maybe just send a bottle of wine or something.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/12/2022 11:30

I would suggest that for next year, presents are bought for the children (as in under 18 yrs old) and EVERYONE 18 and older get their names put into a hat (someone will have to organise this) and they buy ONE present for the person whose name gets pulled out of the hat for them. A Secret Santa if you will but the budget for that one gift can be say up to £30.
No wish lists or whatever. Just the one gift. Everyone takes part.

Would that work?

Sprouttreesareamazing · 12/12/2022 11:33

When the item arrives swap the box for Malteser before you send it. Fake ignorance when they complain. Cfers..

Nocutenamesleft · 12/12/2022 11:33

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:33

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

You’re better than me. No way would I of brought a gift at £37!! Off a list

cmas isn’t about presents. Or lists. Or gifts.

id also say this to the sister too!!

MickeyMouseShithouse · 12/12/2022 11:36

I mean, k get that if your buying something for one sibling it’s probably nice to buy something for the other, you wouldn’t want to exclude just one siblings regardless of age?

but - bugger that list. I’d buy out of courtesy so she isn’t left out while her siblings get a present from you but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate what she’s brought. A present is a gift not a request.

euff · 12/12/2022 11:37

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:48

Some of the other nieces and nephews are 18 or just over, at uni living in crummy digs and working to earn a pittance while they study. Seems a shame not to buy them something. They always ask for a lot less though. This year the requests were some nice tea/a t shirt/sweets.

You could send the nice poor students lovely little 'just thinking of you' care packages with tea, sweets etc outside of Christmas. Would be a nice little surprise.

NotSorry · 12/12/2022 11:40

My dad still does those grandchildren that are not working - which covers those at uni

whynotwhatknot · 12/12/2022 11:41

i dont spend that on my niece and nepwhews and theyre still kids

theyre pisstaking shes 27 year olds

woodhill · 12/12/2022 11:43

I only buy for my ds dc until they are 18 as she did with mine

She told me to stop. I will probably buy for 21st birthdays as a one off

woodhill · 12/12/2022 11:46

NotSorry · 12/12/2022 11:40

My dad still does those grandchildren that are not working - which covers those at uni

I think it's different with Dgc

yoyo1234 · 12/12/2022 11:46

Get grabby niece a boots or amazon voucher for a £10 or whatever the value of the gifts/books your child receives. From next year set an age limit. Niece should ve embarrassed at her ridiculous list behaviour.

NotSorry · 12/12/2022 11:48

woodhill · 12/12/2022 11:46

I think it's different with Dgc

Show quote history

I don’t disagree but my point was OP can still buy for those at uni if she wants to stop buying for older nieces and nephews who are working

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2022 11:48

How much was the book? I honestly think you’re being a doormat, you have 1 dc, how many are you buying for?! £37 on posh cosmetics is mad for a 37 year old who earns more than you and has her own home-does that not strike you as so wrong? What is she sending you in return?

woodhill · 12/12/2022 11:49

@NotSorry

Yes, a good idea😀

bigbluebus · 12/12/2022 11:50

We've managed to stop this nonsense this year - finally. Eldest DN is 30 youngest 21. We were buying for siblings and partners too - but we've finally had the conversation - again (it was tried a few years ago in DHs family but thrown out). Can't tell you how much of a relief it is not to have to buy any of them gifts - that they neither want or need - and not having to sort out posting gifts to those we won't see before Christmas.
As others have said knock it on the head for over 18s.

LondonJax · 12/12/2022 11:50

No adults get Christmas gifts in our family, except my mum when she was alive. We started that 20 years ago as we found we were just buying a nice bottle of wine or similar. So we decided amongst ourselves that cutting that out meant individual families could put a nicer bottle of wine on their own table (or a nice box of chocolates or use the money on a 'own family' outing).

We said adult was over 21 as that allowed for those at university to get out into the world of full time work. The final Christmas in the 21st year usually means a lovely, bigger, gift and then that's it. No more.

I remember saying to aunties that I didn't want anything when I reached 18 as I was at work for two years by then and earning without any bills to pay. Didn't need it.

antelopevalley · 12/12/2022 11:50

Once they become adults it is either no presents or reciprocal. So say you are happy to buy for niece if she buys for you - from your own Xmas list of course.

Original poster
AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 11:51

Thinking about it, you know what else gets my goat? I've been buying gifts for dn since before I left school - I used to save my pocket money / Saturday job money and get her a little toy or something for birthdays and Christmas. As she's one of "the kids" she's been absolved of buying gifts this ENTIRE TIME! Rakes it in and doesn't bother with anyone else.

Tell a lie, last year (a first) she bought everyone a tree decoration.

Yeah, this stops now.

OP posts:
Pompom2367 · 12/12/2022 11:51

I would return her gift and send something of similar value

MrsBungle · 12/12/2022 11:53

Rude! You should definitely return the perfume or keep it for yourself and buy your niece a book. Send the unwrapped book to your sister to wrap for you.