Buying for the 'kids' when they're in fact grabby adults!!

[AppelationStation]

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

Say you'll buy whilst they are still in full-time education- that way you can buy for the struggling students but leave out the greedy neice.

If the niece wants to a "child" in this scenario then get her a selection box, some stickers and a pencil with her name on it. Or a retro game like Twister or something. Please keep and enjoy the perfume.

We had a similar story in the past. My cousins birthday fell just before October half term and we always met up as a family during the half term. My aunt insisted my gran and mum posted her birthday present at huge cost and inconvenience to them so that she can 'open it on her actual birthday'. Come on, she will have had plenty to open on the day!

I think you both sister and niece sound entitled. I think it is reasonable to stop buying gifts after 18-21. It is also reasonable to put a price limits on gifts. I think the poster who made a suggestion of a voucher is reasonable.

When I got to the age of 21, my auntie stopped buying me gifts and it was frankly expected. I would have been embarrassed taking gifts off people when I was living on my own and working.

I didn’t give the stop in gifting a second thought and fully appreciated that an end to presents was more than reasonable.

If your niece must have something, then it should be no more than a bottle of wine.

I recently had to tell my sister to stop overdoing it for my son (17). We used to gift £25 per child; then she spent £30, so I had to match it; then she spent £40, so I had to match it; then £50; then £60 and so on. In the end I said that I didn’t care how much she spent but my limit was £20 going forward. So it quickly reverted back. It all gets so silly.

Once they turn 18 that’s it, only big birthdays after that 21st & 30ths…

Send her a Baylis and Harding gift set via Amazon, not a chance I’d be buying from a list, especially one that I couldn’t afford to buy my self gifts from.

Stop at aged 18 or if in full time uni as student love a food parcel present. Once working no need to buy presents

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week.

Cheeky fucker extraordinaire territory there

Just stop buying them stuff

In our family we stop buying presents for nieces / nephews at 18.

We got a chocolate orange with a tenner tucked in the side - great present

As it's the one niece that is being trouble and you are happy with arrangements for the rest of the nieces and nephews, make is clear next year the budget for all the 'kids'. This year I would have just deviated from her list and if she complains tell her to be thankful for what she got, or to send more realistic ideas next time. Can you still return the perfume?

Just because you’ve been given a list, it doesn’t mean you need to buy from that list only.
Buy a £12 box of Hotel chocolate or a 99p box of Toffiffee if you feel you must buy.

Absolutely don't buy her anymore Xmas presents. Set the rule at whatever you like, no presents for anyone older than 21, or out of full-time education, or when in full-time work, whatever. But you don't have to buy her anything, and you certainly don't have to spend £37! God sometimes I hate this aspect of Xmas, I'd rather have a nice day and do away with the presents for everyone other than small children who still believe in Father Christmas! I'm having a similar issue but with my OHs family. I've told them I'm opting out of gifts this year.

Exactly, it’s a list not a ransom demand

We do a (not so) secret Santa in my family. Kids on one, Adults on the other. Everyone buys for one person and there is a limit to how much is spent. We’ve done it for about 10 years now and works well.

Id be sending your nieces gift back and getting something cheaper.

I would say I was no longer buying

How rude and presumptuous of her

Wait… your 27 year old niece who earns good money and has her own home (that someone else funded) has a Christmas list where the cheapest thing is £37? How often do you actually see this person?

I agree with previous suggestions of a token gift - bottle of wine or chocolate - if you’re having to pay to post the gift maybe get her fuck all the grabby brat a gift card?

"For kids" 😂She stopped being kid ages ago. YANBU.

Keep the perfume.

Send a card.

“Hi Sister’s name, Niece’s gift won’t arrive anytime soon so I’ve had a £15 Amazon gift voucher sent to her via email on Christmas morning so she can pick herself a nice book. Merry Christmas!”

Keep her £37 for yourself or return.

Merry Christmas 🤶

At 27 your Dniece should be buying YOU a gift.

I have 3 DNephews, 15, 17 & 29 and spend £60 on each & v.happy to do so.

BUT the eldest has always bought a token gift for DH, DS17 and I in return since he first started earning money.

And a little bird has told me that the 17yr old is planning on doing the same this yr too.

They are all lovely thoughtful boys and my single parent DSIS has done an amazing job with them.

Your Dsis, not so much.

I wouldn't have gone along with this. I would have to have a conversation about how rude it is and how daft it is for what is essentially an adult to be sending christmas lists to relatives anyway. When you are buying designer treats for someone that isn't being particularly respectful, treats that you would like yourself but can't financially justify - it's gone way too far OP. All for what? not looking tight? Because of some abstract rules?.

Anyone with sense and decency knows the economic climate is a challenge and wouldn't expect anything from anyone else because anyone with that sense also knows we don't really know what is going on with others finances at a given time anyway. We also should all know better that getting a certain gift (or not) at Xmas and the value of that has absolutely nothing to do with how much someone cares about you.

I really would cut this situation into touch next year by saying you won't be doing presents, don't expect any either and will be making a small donation to charity/the food bank. If you insist on giving make it easy on yourself and just do a £10 voucher.

All (if not nearly all) of these young adults will have jobs and income through some stream. Being a student means money is tight yes, but they are hardly waifs and strays and I'm sure spend their student loan on things for themselves/nights out when the want to do so. I love my niece and nephew and we have a lovely relationship. I'd never forget them on Birthdays or Xmas as a result but I won't be buying them things I can't afford myself - last time I checked in they had more disposable income for the month than I do!

It's interesting because I can see similar happening with DH's family. Oldest nephew and niece are 22 / 20 and considered 'children' in that they aren't expected to buy presents, and have presents bought (albeit with a max price).
Next year his nephew will be the age we were when DH and I moved in together and bought presents for everyone. It doesn't help that his brother never cut the apron strings, is a single dad, and MIL / FIL molly coddle him and the 'children'.

Our DCs are the same ages as his other brother's DCs so will hit adulthood at the same time.

Nah she can just give them "New Years" presents.

The uni students would be happy to get a random present in January or even February as winter is depressing especially after Christmas.

Though in my family I was first told I was only allowed to buy for those younger than myself, and then it was changed to only the ones I saw on Christmas Day/Boxing Day. My much older siblings didn't want me to spend lots of money I didn't have on their children. Then when I could afford it they still didn't want me to spend money on their children as they decided their children had enough stuff.

Under 18s only plus maybe a 21st birthday present. I thought that was pretty normal.

Also, a list is only some suggestions. If they're not suitable for your budget or what you want to buy you gift something else or give a voucher towards the cost of the more expensive item. You really shouldn't have got her the expensive perfume.

A list is not an obligation. If I was sent such a list I would just buy something else within my budget.