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AIBU?

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Original poster

Buying for the 'kids' when they're in fact grabby adults!!

246 replies

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:33

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

OP posts:
ChessieDarling · 12/12/2022 12:35

NoAlexa · 12/12/2022 12:19

Just be prepared for them to say that it’s ‘unfair’ as yours are under 18
I would say, well as you have bought presents every year til now, then they are doing ok

Show quote history

As anyone reasonable would.. but clearly they’re a bit grabby, so best to prepare for grabbiness.

PurplePinecone · 12/12/2022 12:37

That's bad that your daughter just gets a book. Maybe there should be a limit to what's spend like £30 each or something. So you don't have to buy very expensive things to only receive something cheap back for yours

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 12:40

It needs to stop this year, not next year.

Send a message: "I've been thinking about this - niece earns more than I do and only has herself to take care of. It's crazy that I should have to buy a 27 year old woman luxury items that I can't afford for myself. I'm changing the rules this year - anyone who is working full time and/or is over 21 doesn't get a present."

blackandwhitecat123 · 12/12/2022 12:45

This is so cheeky, I can't believe she sent a list- especially with such expensive things on! I think you should say you're not buying gifts for over 18s or over 21s as it's so outrageous.

My aunties still buy for me (I'm 34) but it's reciprocal and the gifts are inexpensive. It's manageable because we have a small family so there aren't that many people to buy for. We often ask each other for lists or ideas so we don't get something they already have/don't need but no one asks for anything pricey! It's usually just things like new gloves, a woolly hat, some smellies or something that you can buy for a tenner or less. Surely as an adult, if the gift-giving involves giving a list you show some restraint!

I think restricting who you buy for is the only option though if your family doesn't usually do presents for adult. Either that or send your niece your own list 😆

aintnothinbutagstring · 12/12/2022 12:46

I think £37 is excessive - a token gift of nice chocs or alcohol is fine for an adult. I buy for some adults in my family but its food/drink gifts only as I feel there's less waste - it's either consumed by the recipient or can be given to someone else.

Mommabear20 · 12/12/2022 12:48

I stop buying for kids at 16, but after 10 it's usually just money or a voucher as they have more expensive things on their wish lists that are out of budget for us. Certainly wouldn't still be buying for a niece at 27! 🫣

Pollyputthekettleonha · 12/12/2022 12:48

I would have ignored the nieces list and sent her a voucher for an amount I thought was appropriate i.e. £20 max. Can you return the gift and do this?
I can't imagine having a Christmas list at 27 🙄

RedToothBrush · 12/12/2022 12:49

Return the gift and get a refund.

Reply to the neice that her attitude stinks and she is an ungrateful adult.

TELL siblings that you won't be buying for over 18s again and that it's not a negotiation. You've already bought for 27 years so if they decide to take it out on an actual child and refuse to buy for them because their grabby adult offspring they really are taking things to a whole new level of cunty fuckery.

£37 for a gift is a lot when you have a lot of people to buy for and given that was the cheapest thing on the list it's actively taken the rip and knowing it.

Firkinhavinalaugh · 12/12/2022 12:49

SIL has just done this - “requests” for gifts double the price of suggestions I’ve sent to her for my dc. Also sent a request for her dh of a three figure sum gift 🤣

she’s been laughed out the park by dh, my siblings are far more reasonable. We set a limit and buy one gift from all of us per child, if you don’t have kids you don’t buy unless you want to! We only still do this because mine are younger and still at school.

SomeBeings · 12/12/2022 12:50

I'd say that you want to stop buying gifts at 30, it's a nice round number and a couple of years away. That way your kids will get presents until then too.

RandomMess · 12/12/2022 12:50

You can set the limit to age 21 or finished undergraduate degree.

Return the perfume and send her a tree decoration.

Flowers
ChristmasCwtch · 12/12/2022 12:50

Return the perfume. Send a £20 boots gift card.

Why are you accepting a book for your child and buying £37 perfume that you then need to pay another £4 odd to post??!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 12/12/2022 12:50

Sounds horrendous. I quietly stopped buying for the late teens in family when I realised that none of them ever acknowledged the money, or said thanks. A mum texting to say thanks on behalf of an 18 year old doesn’t count either.

They’ve not said anything; maybe it will make them think I doubt it.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 12/12/2022 12:51

I still get presents from Aunties and Uncles at 41 but I send them one back! She should be reciprocating as she earns her own money.

Firkinhavinalaugh · 12/12/2022 12:51

I meant to add, echoing other posters, send that £37 gift back and send a voucher or book for £20 max! Or nothing at all!

RedToothBrush · 12/12/2022 12:53

And you should have told niece when she sent the list
"are you taking the piss?"
And had done with it rather than buying something off the list.

Skyeheather · 12/12/2022 12:56

We stop buying gifts at 21 unless at 21 the recipient is at university then they get a gift until they graduate.

Buy what you can afford, don't get into debt for them. As pp, but the grabby one a gift card towards the perfume and tell them that's their last gift as you are now stopping at age 21.

caringcarer · 12/12/2022 12:56

In my family we buy for children until they leave education. I don't mind buying my niece who is a poor student a decent gift but once she leaves uni and gets a job it will just be a card but an open invitation to use our holiday home which she has used with friends in the past twice and she has told me that is better than a gift for her. All I ask is she leaves it tidy and remembers to empty fridge of food.

CKL987 · 12/12/2022 12:59

Omg some people are so pathetic. I stopped getting presents after 18 but didn't feel left out or upset that my younger siblings still got presents. How ridiculous.

MeridianB · 12/12/2022 13:11

So your sister not only demands a gift for her wealthy adult daughter but sends an expensive list it has to be chosen from? That's beyond 'grabby'. It's full-blown CF behaviour.

Don't wait for next year. Make changes this year.

Take the perfume back. Tell her you are only doing gifts for under-18s.

33goingon64 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Sounds v similar to my family (though they are not grabby at all). Years ago we set a budget of £20 per person and we stick to it. You just have to think creatively. I don't expect anything in return from my adult neices and nephews.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 12/12/2022 13:14

Don’t buy from her list. Just get her a £10 voucher. And set an age limit for next year.

Verbena17 · 12/12/2022 13:15

What is it with all these relatives/siblings telling people they HAVE to buy for their kids!
I would probably have told your sister where to go or maybe if pushed, bought her a chocolate orange or a bottle of shower gel.

Christmas really isn’t about gifts….well, supposedly!

Verbena17 · 12/12/2022 13:16

RedToothBrush · 12/12/2022 12:53

And you should have told niece when she sent the list
"are you taking the piss?"
And had done with it rather than buying something off the list.

The polite version of what I would have said! 🙌

User36362746362 · 12/12/2022 13:17

Set an age limit, if it's too late this year, do it next year and tell them early. Buying adult nieces and nephews is ridiculous especially if they are in a better financial position.

i have two uncles that are childless. They do buy for my dc, their great niece and nephew but I have told them I don't expect this. Sometimes they will but me some chocolates, which again I don't expect.