To think a mother doesn’t just walk away from her crying daughter?

[Whatlove]

I’m really upset.
My DS is on his fourth stinking cold since September. He’s been coughing all
weekend and none of us got any sleep. He’s 13 but I feel like we’ve gone back in time to when he was at nursery and got every infection going.

We were meant to be going on a family day out today but as DS is unwell my DH and older son went without us. After I dropped them off my mum saw me get out of car (she was walking home past my house after shopping) and asked what was wrong. I clearly looked awful. I said how worried about DS being unwell again I am, how it was overwhelming constantly worrying if he’s well enough to go to school, how he’s had time off already and school aren’t happy etc etc I said we’d been looking forward to our day out and instead we’re stuck at home.

She could see how upset I was (the tears would be a giveaway) but muttered something about giving him vitamins (I already do) said bye and walked off.

I can’t imagine leaving my child (even a grown up child!) visibly upset without saying something or offering to come in & make them a cup of tea or generally offer some comfort. Didn’t even ask or want to see poor DS. She lives round the corner from me & wasn’t rushing off anywhere so not a time thing.

I don’t know why I’m so upset. My childhood was spent with no emotional support, she can only do superficial chit chat, nothing serious. I guess I just want a mum. I really don’t want to see her anymore, what’s the point.

He’s 13. You’re overreacting, big time. Sorry! It’s stressful when kids are ill, but I honestly genuinely think you’re overreacting here. Hope you feel better soon though

He is 13 and you have an older child? In the nicest way, get a grip. Trying being ill yourself whilst looking after an unwell child who isn’t old enough to be reasonable or take their medicine etc.
You sound awfully dramatic. Maybe she’s fed up of it.

Seems a bit much to be crying over someone else's cold, sorry OP!

Wow really?! So you’ll stop worrying/caring when your child reaches this age? Are you one of those who think they should leave home and support themselves as soon as they reach puberty?!

Its awful OP. There’s so much going around at the moment. I hope he and you feel better soon. I don’t understand your mum at all.

My dds are 21 and 18 and still worry about them.

She probably had to scarper before she burst out laughing. Is there a reason why you had such an ott reaction to a 13 yo with a cold?

Are you often like this? Is her coping mechanism to ignore it? I think I would as well, just going off what you've posted and assuming there is no back story where your son has a serious childhood illness or something.

She doesn't sound very supportive...no wonder you're upset. She sounds incredibly cold. I hope your ds is better soon. My ds is 14 and has had multiple viruses this autumn/,winter. Nothing serious but having an ill child is always horrible.

My dm wouldn't have walked off but OOH perhaps your dm didn't want to become Ill herself if she came inside

Hope your ds recovers, nearly end of term

What a nasty comment.

Are you joining OP in drama corner?
The mum acknowledged he had a cold and suggested he have more vitamins. What more is she meant to do? It’s a cold; no need for a pity party.
Bit of a stretch that she doesn’t worry or care about her grandchildren.

Didn’t even ask or want to see poor DS.

Not sure I'd be in a hurry to see someone with a heavy cold who was coughing and spluttering either.

Whilst your mum doesn’t sound very supportive or compassionate, I have to echo what PPs have said, it does all seem quite dramatic.
I can understand being overwhelmed and tired after your son having a run of viruses, but crying in the street about it does seem a big overreaction.
I hope he and you feel better soon.

Wow. Nasties are out in force today, eh OP? Ignore them.

You're overwhelmed, exhausted and upset - you never said you were rationally or logically concerned about anything. Not sure why people think that you should stop caring about your children when they reach their teens or that teens are easier than toddlers (as someone who's 3yo and 4mo currently have scarlet fever so I feel that). It's no less tiring to be kept up all night by a 13yo than by a 2yo - why would it be?

It would've been nice if she'd offered you comfort - what's your relationship usually like now? Is there any explanation like that she was concerned about being vulnerable and didn't want to risk catching something? Is there a backstory here at all between her and DS?

I can see both sides here. You have a child who is constantly unwell, you are worried, overwhelmed and probably drained so no wonder you were feeling emotional. Some people deal with things in different ways and this got you teary. On the other hand looking for emtional support from someone who has never been able to give it is setting yourself up for disappointment. I totally understand the feeling of having a mother but looking desperatly for a proper Mum so you have my sympathies. I suspect that this may just have been the straw that broke the camels back for you. Have some unmumsnetty hugs, have a drink of your choice, take a bath and be kind to yourself.

My mum would have come indoors with me like a flash, sat me down and made me a cup of tea, generally fussed around etc and looked in on my son. And that's what I would do too if you were my adult daughter. A little bit of love and empathy goes a long way.

Thanks so much for the nasty comments. What a load of nasty unkind people. Get much pleasure from slagging me off? My DS has been very unwell for the past 4 months, he has had so much time off school that the school are constantly on the phone asking why he isn’t there. He worries about all the work he’s missing and yes I’m worried too. When he was 2 he was diagnosed with a tumour in his brain, it is inoperable but is monitored regularly for growth. So yes I probably do worry about him more than normal.

The day out was an expensive treat we’d been looking forward to and yes I was upset to be missing out. I had a moment where everything felt overwhelming and just wanted some comfort from my own mother.

This was my first post as I felt so down, won’t bother again & will ask for my thread to be deleted.

When you are tired everything does seem worse and you are obviously worried about your son. However I can see why your mum wouldn’t want to see him, there’s nothing she can actually do and who wants a stinking cold two weeks before Christmas?

Wrap up warm and try and relax and watch a bit of tv.

Considering your ds health history you've just told us about...your mum is even worse imo. Even if you were being silly (you're not) sometimes we get overwhelmed and a bit of kindness doesn't go amiss.

Hi OP I think this post is just the tip of the iceberg isn’t it?
There was a post on here recently about growing up with emotionally unavailable parents. I can also relate personally.
what was your mothers own childhood like?
maybe you could consider counselling

big hugs

I can't believe the comments you've received, so sorry you're upset, please ignore the haters. Sending huge hugs xx

Sometimes when I have that coldness from my mother I listen to "A Call from Long Island" and pretend that's my mother. I hope that no-one is offended by the stereotypical Jewish mother, it's meant only in fun.

I don't think this post is about how OP should or shouldn't be reacting though is it?
OP needed her mum in that moment and her mum wasn't there for her.
I understand that OP. I have the same experience with my mum
It hurts

YANBU @Whatlove
It is horrible when your children are I’ll, no matter how old they are, and the added pressure of getting them into school really doesn’t help.
So many kids are unwell at the moment, they just haven’t had enough exposure to viruses, due to the lockdowns.
I am not surprised you are upset. Sometimes you just want somebody to say, don’t worry, it’s all going to be ok, and it’s really not unreasonable to expect your mum to give you a bit of reassurance.
I hope your son gets better soon, try not to stress about school, it’s not the end of the world.
As for your mum, her behaviour says everyhing about her, and that’s hurtful for you.
Be kind to yourself. For you

I think you need to separate things out.

If your mum wasn’t a good supportive parent that is tough to deal with. But, it doesn’t sound like she is being unreasonable in thinking a 13 year old with a running cold isn’t much to worry about, and also to avoid seeing him.

Sounds like you are overtired to me, I hope you can get a break over Christmas. And I’d you haven’t, ask your GP to run some basic bloods on your son to put your mind at rest.

Being tired makes everything worse, I can understand why you got upset. Having said that, if your mum has never been able to do more than superficial chitchat maybe she just doesn’t know what to say/do and struggles to connect at a deeper level. It might just be the way she is.