To think a mother doesn’t just walk away from her crying daughter?

[Whatlove]

I’m really upset.
My DS is on his fourth stinking cold since September. He’s been coughing all
weekend and none of us got any sleep. He’s 13 but I feel like we’ve gone back in time to when he was at nursery and got every infection going.

We were meant to be going on a family day out today but as DS is unwell my DH and older son went without us. After I dropped them off my mum saw me get out of car (she was walking home past my house after shopping) and asked what was wrong. I clearly looked awful. I said how worried about DS being unwell again I am, how it was overwhelming constantly worrying if he’s well enough to go to school, how he’s had time off already and school aren’t happy etc etc I said we’d been looking forward to our day out and instead we’re stuck at home.

She could see how upset I was (the tears would be a giveaway) but muttered something about giving him vitamins (I already do) said bye and walked off.

I can’t imagine leaving my child (even a grown up child!) visibly upset without saying something or offering to come in & make them a cup of tea or generally offer some comfort. Didn’t even ask or want to see poor DS. She lives round the corner from me & wasn’t rushing off anywhere so not a time thing.

I don’t know why I’m so upset. My childhood was spent with no emotional support, she can only do superficial chit chat, nothing serious. I guess I just want a mum. I really don’t want to see her anymore, what’s the point.

Very unkind people on this thread.

It doesn't matter whether or not you think OP is overreacting. She's upset. Any normal person comforts someone when they are upset, especially their own bloody child.

She's probably scared of catching it......I'm fairly sympathetic but at this time of year my reaction to anyone blubbering about an infectious bug would be that's a shame but keep your distance 😬

You'd scarper if you saw your own kid cearly overwhelmed and upset?

That's just weird and cold hearted.

"Full of cold" makes no sense by the way....hate it.

@Whatlove Sounds like you may have a lot on your plate and maybe son being unwell just added to an already stressful time. I may be wrong. Just some thoughts/wonderings... I just want to acknowledge that there are a fair few deeply unpleasant people on MN who seem to have no manners or politeness. You can call someone out without being horrible about it.

"She could see how upset I was (the tears would be a giveaway) but muttered something about giving him vitamins (I already do) said bye and walked off."

Tears are a give-away though I wonder whether she has the emotional capacity to give you what you need in the moment. My mother is incredibly emotion phobic and has no capacity to know what to do when I am stressed. It is easy for me to blame her though I always wonder why people do/don't do something.
The term "muttering" seems loaded with emotion. Did you believe there was an ulterior motive or judgment on her side? We can't tell unless someone tells us.

"I can’t imagine leaving my child (even a grown up child!) visibly upset without saying something or offering to come in & make them a cup of tea or generally offer some comfort. Didn’t even ask or want to see poor DS. She lives round the corner from me & wasn’t rushing off anywhere so not a time thing."

I wouldn't want to be around sick people either TBH. The last thing I want is to get ill myself. She could have said that and at least placated you a bit. What sort of comfort were you expecting? To your mother I suspect she thought "okay so he is ill, everyone gets colds" and thought no more about it. Your emotionality about the subject - in isolation - seems a bit out of proportion and she may have not wanted to deal with your (in her mind) drama. Also how do you know she wasn't rushing off home? She could have had any number of reasons for wanting to get back (tiredness, illness, wanting to watch her favourite TV program!, have a friend over, call someone). I personally HATE it when I see someone without scheduling it in. My family know not to approach me when in the street because it feels awkward when not in the "right" context.

"I don’t know why I’m so upset. My childhood was spent with no emotional support, she can only do superficial chit chat, nothing serious. I guess I just want a mum. I really don’t want to see her anymore, what’s the point."

If you don't know why you are so upset I suspect she doesn't either (and from what I have read in this thread, nor do many people). It is effective to just cut her out and stop seeing her? Is this a common theme in relationships/friendships for you? When people don't/can't give you what you need emotionally do you tend to give up?

I do feel that therapy may be helpful for you to work through these things. The original post was full of judgments, assumptions and beliefs that will undoubtedly leave you feeling miserable.

Feel better

I’m not sure if you have already done this but a 13 year old regularly getting serious infections may be an indication of something amiss. By that age their immune system is fairly strong so even when they do get sick, they usually shrug it off as adults do. I’d ask a GP for some advice, I don’t think it’s usual for a basic cold to completely wipe a teenager out personally.

Lovely Dh @RandyMandyy

If that's what you consider trendy, okay.

I thought the point was evident; It's not that serious.

Did you read the part where her son has a brain tumour?

I didn't see that in the OP, but if she posted that later on it probably would've been useful context to include.

You sound overwhelmed OP and probably just need a hug and someone to listen. I’m sorry that you have received some nasty comments on here. Likely from a load of people who were typing ‘#bekind’ only a few years ago.

I can understand why you are worried. Whilst infections are common if you’re that worried have you had a chat with your GP to see if you DS has any reason to be more unwell than usual? Without adding to your anxiety there’s a few things that could contribute to a weakened immune system which might make him more susceptible to bugs. It might offer some piece of mind?

No answers re: your mum, but if she has always been to this affect she is unlikely to change.

Otherwise make sure you’re looking after yourself. Worrying about anything takes so much energy. I hope you’re able to find some time to switch your mind off by either having a warm bath, a walk or just getting an early night in (+ ear plugs?). Sending hugs xx

It's often the way with first time posters with an initially unreasonable post - there's a backstory on post number 3.

But what was included in her first post is the fact that there is a backstory with her mum, that she didn’t offer any emotional support, it was all ‘superficial chitchat’. That was a clue that her upset with her mum wasn’t just about the lack of sympathy on this one occasion, and that it wasn’t just about her DS having a cold.

That's true. Hard to say from that alone though. A lifetime of consoling someone who cries when a family member sneezes might wear you down.

She was talking about when she was a child, though? A parent is supposed to comfort their child when they’re upset, surely? Or should a child already be a resilient adult with no support from the parent?

Honestly, what a ridiculous comment.

Honestly? If my child cried every time someone sneezed, no I would not be encouraging that.
Tears are used in many different ways. Yes, to show sadness or upset. Also by people with personality disorders to seek victimhood and attention.
Op chose to tell us in her first post that her mother didn't engage much when she cried because her teen had a cold, and that her mother wasn't very empathetic. She chose not to explain his past medical history til later. She also chose to post on aibu and to enable voting for her first ever thread on mn. It's almost a 50:50 split on the vote, despite the comments.

But what she’s saying is that her mother never showed her empathy, not that she didn’t comfort her about someone sneezing!

And it wasn’t just about her son sneezing, was it?

She’s looking to her mother for something she isn’t capable of giving her, though. I agree with PPs that she’ll be happier if she stops expecting it. Because she isn’t going to change now.

“Tears are used in many different ways...Also by people with personality disorders to seek victimhood and attention.”

and also by people who are overwhelmed, anxious, worried, depressed…

There’s lots of reasons people may get upset. Is there a need to be so nasty?

Is anyone else making a note of who wrote the arsehole comments, particularly on page 1 of this thread? I certainly want to remember who is so unkind, I think too many people get away with being so unbelievably cruel on here, I won’t be forgetting those names!!
OP I hope you all got some sleep. Sleep deprivation is hideous, and worrying about the health of your child is even worse!

I am so beyond disgusted at some of the comments on this thread.
OP please TRY and ignore the nasty and vile comments - you are a mother and will never stop being a mother. You are also exhausted. You have every right to want support from your mum. I’m so sorry you have had to read such vicious comments xx

Just a quick update. DS was coughing again all night & none of us got much sleep. His school was actually shut today because of the snow so that’s one less sick day which made me irrationally happy!

I filled in an econsult form for his GP so hopefully will hear back about that as it really has been miserable for poor DS with back
to back illness. He is due to see his consultant in March but would like to get him checked over sooner.

I had a lovely chat with some work colleagues who were so kind and supportive. Really all I needed was some kind words and a little sympathy. I had a text from my mum asking how DS was so at least she is showing an interest.

DS doesn’t seem to be coughing as much tonight so fingers crossed he is on the mend!

I think two issues have got mixed up here

one you are worried about your ds and secondly the hurt you have felt bubbled up today when you was once again reminded you can’t rely on your mum for emotional support and that hurts it never really stops hurting you just need to learn to not look for that support (it’s not easy)

what you should remind yourself of is that you are not the parent you mum is and are there for your children

and ignore nasty posters

@ArcticSkewer and its likely your child may write a similar thread or feel the same way about you
Regardless if her childs history which OP did not have to disclose , she was feeling down and a bit overwhelmed and a few words of kindness wouldn't of gone amiss nut its cleat from some of these replies that some people can't so that

Obviously you would be concerned for your son esp if he's repeatedly getting everything going.
I wonder if you felt over emotional due to the family day/expectations etc falling flat.
I'm asking because yesterday we had plans to be out with family time. However due to sickness we were unable to do any of what was planned (nothing exceptional). I felt really upset and I knew I was being OTT emotional, wasn't worried by the sickness but more the situation being spoiled. If DP hadn't shown so e kindness I'd have been pissed off with him, again OTT and no need!, Bput that's how it was.

I think others are being slightly harsh. Regardless of what you’re upset over, a mother should comfort their child. I don’t think YABU x

OP I hear you, while both my parents love me and tried their best they are emotionally immature.

That leaves a lasting legacy that can mean that you find emotional equilibrium difficult and can actually prime you to be more anxious.

You have to stop setting yourself up to fail don't expect anything from your mother and work on healing yourself.