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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a mother doesn’t just walk away from her crying daughter?

277 replies

Whatlove · 11/12/2022 19:13

I’m really upset.
My DS is on his fourth stinking cold since September. He’s been coughing all
weekend and none of us got any sleep. He’s 13 but I feel like we’ve gone back in time to when he was at nursery and got every infection going.

We were meant to be going on a family day out today but as DS is unwell my DH and older son went without us. After I dropped them off my mum saw me get out of car (she was walking home past my house after shopping) and asked what was wrong. I clearly looked awful. I said how worried about DS being unwell again I am, how it was overwhelming constantly worrying if he’s well enough to go to school, how he’s had time off already and school aren’t happy etc etc I said we’d been looking forward to our day out and instead we’re stuck at home.

She could see how upset I was (the tears would be a giveaway) but muttered something about giving him vitamins (I already do) said bye and walked off.

I can’t imagine leaving my child (even a grown up child!) visibly upset without saying something or offering to come in & make them a cup of tea or generally offer some comfort. Didn’t even ask or want to see poor DS. She lives round the corner from me & wasn’t rushing off anywhere so not a time thing.

I don’t know why I’m so upset. My childhood was spent with no emotional support, she can only do superficial chit chat, nothing serious. I guess I just want a mum. I really don’t want to see her anymore, what’s the point.

OP posts:
MissMogwai · 11/12/2022 19:47

Jellybean23 · 11/12/2022 19:29

My mum would have come indoors with me like a flash, sat me down and made me a cup of tea, generally fussed around etc and looked in on my son. And that's what I would do too if you were my adult daughter. A little bit of love and empathy goes a long way.

Agree.

I have a grown up DD with a child, and even when that child is a teenager i'll be there as a shoulder to cry on, make the tea and everything else I've done over the years and do now.

Some very harsh responses on here.

abw94 · 11/12/2022 19:47

Wow these comments are absolutely vile.

You sound absolutely exhausted mentally, I completely understand where you're coming from, you just wanted some form of comfort from your mother and it's very sad she didn't stop to even give you a hug. I wouldn't make contact going further now and wait for her to see if she realises where she went wrong. Hope your DH is able to comfort you when he got back and I hope your son gets better soon. Flowers

Mooshroo · 11/12/2022 19:48

Are you telling me I’m still gonna be worrying over my sons colds when he’s a teenager?! 😫 he’s 10 months old and my nerves are already shot 😅

Hope everyone’s feeling better soon

EmmaAgain22 · 11/12/2022 19:49

me and my mum would both have hugged you and I'm not even maternal. Sorry OP. Hope you and your lad feel better asap. Flowers

Moonshine160 · 11/12/2022 19:49

Wow, I am shocked at some of these comments.

OP, you sound overwhelmed and like you’re having a hard time, I wish I could give you a hug. It’s perfectly normal to be upset over recurrent illness of your child regardless of their age. Your mother should have been more supportive and offered a cup of tea or a handhold, I’m sorry that she didn’t do that for you. I hope that you have some other support from friends/family/partner?

RethinkingLife · 11/12/2022 19:50

Your mother probably isn't going to change.

I hope you can get some support from elsewhere, OP. And that things start looking up for you and your DS. It is hard for people when schools don't want ill children to attend bu are also phoning parents to question sickness-related absences.

Good luck with having an outing in the future.

Theydoyaknow · 11/12/2022 19:51

I expect it has all caught up on you and that is why you are so overwrought. Maybe your Mum didn't want to come in and catch the cold your son has. You reaction at any cost was OTT and a little bit unjust on your Mum. He is a teenager and he has a cold. You missed out on a day out because he has a cold. It is not the end of the world. I would understood if he was a baby or a toddler that you were struggling with but at the end of the day he is a teenager with a cold and a cough. Blaming your Mum is really really unfair.

BellePeppa · 11/12/2022 19:51

Whatlove · 11/12/2022 19:29

Thanks so much for the nasty comments. What a load of nasty unkind people. Get much pleasure from slagging me off? My DS has been very unwell for the past 4 months, he has had so much time off school that the school are constantly on the phone asking why he isn’t there. He worries about all the work he’s missing and yes I’m worried too. When he was 2 he was diagnosed with a tumour in his brain, it is inoperable but is monitored regularly for growth. So yes I probably do worry about him more than normal.

The day out was an expensive treat we’d been looking forward to and yes I was upset to be missing out. I had a moment where everything felt overwhelming and just wanted some comfort from my own mother.

This was my first post as I felt so down, won’t bother again & will ask for my thread to be deleted.

Posters seem to be missing the point. The point being you were upset (it doesn’t matter why) and your mum wasn’t really arsed about it. I’m sorry about that because I know that I couldn’t just walk away no matter how old they are. As it’s her usual form I’m not sure what you can do about it other than accept how she is and know it’s not you, it’s her. 💐

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 11/12/2022 19:51

OP I get this. When I had terrible PND I remember telling my Mum one day how horrible I was feeling and how sad I was (the first person I had opened up to) and she mumbled something about having a sore arm and left! Just walked out of my house.

I have never been the same with her since. She has recently had an operation and expects a lot of sympathy but I have mainly avoided her as I just dont care enough anymore and will never get over what she did. It was 6 years ago now.

I'm sorry I am no help but I understand how you feel and I hope your DS feels better soon.

healthadvice123 · 11/12/2022 19:51

OP there are some not very nice people on here
I get what you mean you just wanted your mum to support you and recognise everything has got on top of you a bit
I mean if I walked past my neighbour and they said this I would prob offer to have a cup of tea with them and make sure they were alright.
Mine ds are 19 and 17 and ai still worry about them, ds17 is ill at moment and also had a lot of bugs this year and more time of college than ideal.
Ignore the nastiness

Tinkerbyebye · 11/12/2022 19:54

RunLolaRun102 · 11/12/2022 19:22

She probably had to scarper before she burst out laughing. Is there a reason why you had such an ott reaction to a 13 yo with a cold?

Read. The. Post

its the 4th one since September. That’s not normal

Op is worried.

I really think a lot of posters on here need to read and understand posts before responding, and remember that old saying, if you haven’t got anything nice to say don’t say anything

healthadvice123 · 11/12/2022 19:54

And if your mum wanted to avoid cold ( fair enough) she could of still made sure you were alright and just stated i will stay away from cold as don't want to catch it

Wiloswisp · 11/12/2022 19:54

Really sorry OP, going through something similar here since October, hardly any sleep, other severe illness, you just need a kind word and someone to make you a cuppa really don’t you. Hope all is well soon 💐💐💐💐

Puppers · 11/12/2022 19:55

Bloody hell there are some nasty people on here today.

It sounds like you just had a moment of being overwhelmed. It happens to all of us. You've had months of him being ill, you're worried about the impact on his school work, you are presumably fed up of having to rearrange things around him being poorly and today you've both missed out on something you've all been looking forward to for months. I totally get why it all just got on top of you in that moment.

Of course your mum should have been sympathetic and wanted to offer you some comfort. Unfortunately you can see from this thread that some people are arseholes and/or completely devoid of emotional intelligence, so perhaps your mum is the same. In which case, as hurtful as it is, there's nothing you can do except manage your own expectations of her and grieve for the parent you don't have. Easier said than done.

Lcb123 · 11/12/2022 19:55

You did ask… you’re overreacting - he’s 13. Of course she didn’t want to interact with a sick teenager, I certainly wouldn’t

healthadvice123 · 11/12/2022 19:56

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet lets hope your attitude doesn't rub of on yours
Thats the issue isn't it these days no one has time to check on anyone else, yet prob have be kind and all that crap all over their facebook
OP clearly said mum was going home and nothing to do , so 5 mins to check on your dd is nothing

LikeAStar1994 · 11/12/2022 19:56

Some nasty cold hearted bitches on here. Just what I'd expect from Mumsnet Scumsnet

healthadvice123 · 11/12/2022 19:57

@Lcb123 asking about him isn't interacting with him though is it and she still could of seen her dd was ok

red4321 · 11/12/2022 19:58

In fairness to the more negative replies, it was posted in AIBU. You'll usually get a mixed set of yes/no responses.

You have my complete sympathy given your son's medical history. I can't imagine how tough it must be.

But, sticking to the first question you asked, I don't think your mum's reaction is unreasonable for a cold. My parents aren't in their first flush of youth and have to be really careful about catching a cold as it can take months for my dad to recover from one (he suffers from sinusitis and has to be careful about medication for his heart). So I can understand if they didn't want to risk catching a cold or perhaps saw it as important as you did.

healthadvice123 · 11/12/2022 19:59

Some people on here really need to get a life , what are you doing I sincerely hope its bored teenagers and not fully grown adults who should no bettet

healthadvice123 · 11/12/2022 20:01

@red4321 aibu doesn't make it ok to be nasty and maybe people should read the OP
its not just about the cold it was more about OP being upset and a bit overwhelmed at the moment , her mum could of taken time to make sure she was ok as outside
She could of asked about her ds and said I won't come in as don't want to catch cold etc but is there anything else I can do

Redglitter · 11/12/2022 20:02

I dont think it's unreasonable for your Mum to offer advice and not come in but I think regardless of the reason you were upset or her opinion on it the natural thing would be to acknowledge it & at the very least give you a hug

Like a pp I know my mums reaction would be to come in & make a coffee & give me a hug

For her to leave when you were upset is a rotten thing to do

JoyBeorge · 11/12/2022 20:02

Well you can always rely on a nice warm cyber hug here 🤗

Rhondaa · 11/12/2022 20:02

I couldn't imagine rushing off from an upset dc whatever the reason, so no op yanbu she sounds heartless and I'm sorry you've had no emotional support growing up Flowers.

Surely we all worry about dc if ill regardless of age so yanbu there either particularly with his medical history. Get him seen by a hcp for a full check. Hope everything improves for you soon.

bendmeoverbackwards · 11/12/2022 20:03

Chartreuse45 · 11/12/2022 19:32

Sometimes when I have that coldness from my mother I listen to "A Call from Long Island" and pretend that's my mother. I hope that no-one is offended by the stereotypical Jewish mother, it's meant only in fun.

Is that a podcast @Chartreuse45