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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL keeps saying she won’t love her grandchild as much as her own children

189 replies

pinkwatermelon · 09/12/2022 11:37

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with what will be both sides’ first grandchild (not that I think this is particularly relevant). Both sets of parents seem excited (to varying degrees, my parents have been more vocal about it) however my MIL keeps saying that she won’t love her grandchild as much as she loves her sons. AIBU to think this is really weird? She has mentioned it a couple of times now. In general we have a good relationship but she is prone to saying odd things.

I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me? I don’t know if she is trying to set expectations and it’s her way of saying that she doesn’t want the same sort of relationship/doesn’t wish to be relied upon for childcare further down the line? We have never mentioned or asked either sets of parents about being available for childcare in the future and would never expect this from either set of parents anyway. This is the only reason I can think of as to why she keeps saying what she says. I do feel quite upset and confused about it but don’t know if I’m being particularly sensitive though so please do say if so.

OP posts:
PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 09/12/2022 11:44

Just reply "just as well since s/he isn't your child" and move on.

Montague22 · 09/12/2022 11:45

It’s a strange thing to say. I can see that it’s hurtful, but I know I was also particularly sensitive when pregnant-so you might be feeling it more.

I wonder if an open conversation about childcare plans may stop it. In case it comes from a worry about being drawn into day to day care.

Or this is less likely, but maybe her parents/grandparents were overbearing and she’s doing the opposite. My in laws used to tell me they loved my children more than their own. It was always with a competitive edge. In fact it started when they wanted my scan pictures 😂 I used to think it was my uterus in those pictures as well as their grandchild. There is no way they love my children more than I do. Maybe she came up against similar?

Or she might just be baiting you for reason unknown. After the childcare talk I’d ignore her.

barbrahunter · 09/12/2022 11:46

Let her crack on. Better that than some MIL who smother and try to take over.

drkpl · 09/12/2022 11:47

It is a bit strange. She might feel different once the baby is born. I get the impression from my pils and my mum that they love my ds as much as their own children. My mum says it’s different but she loves him just as much.

I’d tell her you’re aware of how she feels and you don’t need to be told again.

Colcat · 09/12/2022 11:47

It's a strange thing to say but it's true.

Nixbox · 09/12/2022 11:49

MIL said all sorts of shit before DS was born. She was very kind and attentive to me during my pregnancy but did not want to be a grandmother.
She came to see him in the hospital and cuddled him, and cried, and told him she’ll love him forever. And she has.
I think she was just scared of a new stage in her life, worried about feeling old etc.
So she might come round!

TheDishElopedwiththeSpoon · 09/12/2022 11:49

This is definitely a ´some thoughts are better left unsaid’ situation.
If she says it again, say ´ did you mean to say that out loud MIL?’

MRSDoos · 09/12/2022 11:50

I’m also 18 weeks pregnant with the first grandchild on both sides!

I’d be hurt if my MIL or DM mentioned that they wouldn’t love our little boy as much as their own children. You’re not being sensitive I’d be shocked if MIL said this to me and trust me you can tell her son (my DH) is her world but I can’t imagine her saying this.

I think most grandparents would say they love their grandchildren just as much as their own children.

I would see how she is once your baby is here because she might feel different once they’re here.

I think you or your partner should pull her up on it when and if she says it again. A simple “Why do you keep saying that? Of course you love your children a lot but it’s upsetting us”

ns87 · 09/12/2022 11:52

What a weird and nasty thing to say, your DH needs to have a strong word.

Maldedos · 09/12/2022 11:53

No one can tell you what having a dgc is like.
I thought my ds and dd should have waited a bit longer, obviously I didn’t tell them this, the day I held my dgs I fell helplessly in love.
And you mil will too.
My dgc are like the icing on the cake.

Remaker · 09/12/2022 11:55

My mum thought she didn’t mind either way about being a grandmother until she became one and she was obsessed! I think she was reacting to other people going on about their GC and thinking oh it’s not that exciting and then she discovered it was.

Just wait til your baby is born and everything may change.

whattodo1975 · 09/12/2022 11:56

That's such a strange thing to say.

Just say "Yes, but i will love my child more than you love your child".

See where she goes from there.

woodhill · 09/12/2022 11:58

Take no notice of her

Making it all about her imo

I love my Dgc as I love my own dc

mondaytosunday · 09/12/2022 11:59

Well it's probably true but odd thing to say. Just inwardly roll your eyes and carry on.

WandaWonder · 09/12/2022 12:01

Sure i think it's a bit odd but not sure what else can be said other than its odd

LaMarschallin · 09/12/2022 12:03

It's very odd and unnecessary to say it, but it's true for me.
I didn't get that immediate love when I held my grandchild like I did with my children. I love her at the moment as a sort of extension of my daughter and because my daughter loves her and is made so happy by her.
I'm sure I'll love her more and more as she grows up and I get to know her - more like gradually falling in love with someone than the "love at first sight" thing I had for my children.
But I wouldn't dream of expressing that to my daughter as I know she'd be hurt.

user1471538283 · 09/12/2022 12:06

Try to ignore her.

My DF was obsessed from the minute he knew I was pregnant - infact he called it before I had a test! My DM didn't bother at all.

2pinkginsplease · 09/12/2022 12:07

I would just reply “ that’s an odd thing to say” and move on.

she may feel that way just now but she doesn’t need to vocalise it.

Lkydfju · 09/12/2022 12:07

Not sure why she’d feel the need to say that

Eeiliethya · 09/12/2022 12:07

It's strange she keeps saying it.

My own father is on the opposite end, he openly said to me "it's so odd becoming a grandad, I love her more than I love you"

Cheers Padre 😂.

As for your MIL, next time she says it just ask her if something is on her mind as she has brought this up a number of times now and you are wondering if she is ok Hmm

Puppers · 09/12/2022 12:08

Colcat · 09/12/2022 11:47

It's a strange thing to say but it's true.

Not for everyone.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/12/2022 12:10

She hasn't been on MN, has she? Where every
behaviour of a mil is assessed to make sure she isn't muscling in on the mother's territory.

Jollychristmas · 09/12/2022 12:11

My MIL has said equally weird things about our DC too, such as “I’ll never be as close to
your children as I am to other daughter in laws children” (this actually turned out to be complete opposite)
after DD was born repeatedly says “I do have a thing for little boys”
And now whenever we see MIL she always says “oh DD will cry because of XYZ” or “she’s always ill” or if she ever eats at MIL’s we get “don’t you feed her at home?”
it’s constant utter drivel and DH swears she doesn’t even know what she’s saying!
Rude in my opinion!

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/12/2022 12:12

Yes, it's weird that she felt to vocalise it.

But at least she won't be one of those grandparents who claim they love their grandkids more than they loved their children. And think this reflects well on them. I find that really peculiar.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 09/12/2022 12:12

I adore my grandchildren but I love no one more than my own children.