MIL keeps saying she won’t love her grandchild as much as her own children

[pinkwatermelon]

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with what will be both sides’ first grandchild (not that I think this is particularly relevant). Both sets of parents seem excited (to varying degrees, my parents have been more vocal about it) however my MIL keeps saying that she won’t love her grandchild as much as she loves her sons. AIBU to think this is really weird? She has mentioned it a couple of times now. In general we have a good relationship but she is prone to saying odd things.

I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me? I don’t know if she is trying to set expectations and it’s her way of saying that she doesn’t want the same sort of relationship/doesn’t wish to be relied upon for childcare further down the line? We have never mentioned or asked either sets of parents about being available for childcare in the future and would never expect this from either set of parents anyway. This is the only reason I can think of as to why she keeps saying what she says. I do feel quite upset and confused about it but don’t know if I’m being particularly sensitive though so please do say if so.

My mil loves her own son more and is clear about that. She was also very clear about the level of childcare she would provide and she did help us with two afternoon's a week for 2 years and I'm very grateful. She will never go out of her way for her grandchildren though or at least my children.

Apart from the 2 years of childcare she gave you, when she went out of her way for approx 200 days in total?

It is just drivel coming out of her mouth, just ignore it.

It might be because by you having a baby, her status is changing from mother to grandmother and this might be making her feel weird, even though it's happy exciting news and she will probably love her grandchild. It is a strange thing to say to you and if it comes up again I would say "yes, you've told me that already" and then hopefully it will be left at that.

Well of course she won't love your child anywhere near as much as she loves her own child. That goes without saying. So it is odd that she is saying it.

If she is prone to say odd things I would just ignore it. It will be how she acts when your baby is here that will be the most important thing. Many posters on MN have said they didn’t know the love you could have for a grandchild until they had their first one. You might find she is a lovely grandparent, fits in without being domineering.

You might also find your parents are harder work if they have been more vocal and want to takeover.

Being a grandparent can be tricky, just have to see all the posts on MN. My MIL was a nightmare at first but has mellowed over the years.

I wondered if I would love my own child before he was born. I felt no love during pregnancy and the day before he was born I was worrying I wouldn't love my child. Just couldn't imagine parental love.
Then he was born and I was head over heels and have been ever since. I can't imagine a deeper more soul-transforming love than the one that magically appeared for him and his sister later.

So I kind of think maybe your mil might be similar. It's not very tactful to say it to you, but does it even matter if its true?

As long as she gives the child as much as she has to give that's all that's needed and she may be surprised herself how much that is. ❤️

Reassure her that all she needs is to be herself and she can have whatever relationship with her grandchild she likes and leave it at that. 😊

At least you don't have my mil who was 'devastated' by the news of her 1st gc being on the way and accused me of trapping her son as he didn't want children. (her information was about a decade out of date as he hadn't talked about it with her since his 20's and we were a mid-30's couple recently married expecting our planned and much discussed - between ourselves - baby so hardly a man snared by a manipulative gf. 🙄

My MIL told me, the first time she saw DS, that he wasn’t as nice as his DF. She also told me once that my being much smaller than average was like being a hunchback.

My own father is on the opposite end, he openly said to me "it's so odd becoming a grandad, I love her more than I love you"

I think that a lot of grandparents feel a bit this way, you have another child to love but you are free of responsibilities, you can have fun then someone else will clear up when you've gone home! You are also free of the worries that having a child brings regarding their cost, development, education, behaviour etc etc..

I imagine this latest life event is bringing up lots of thoughts for her, reflections on her life and experiences past and future. I think she is just thinking out loud in a bit-too-honest way (no awards for diplomacy), don't let it bother you. If she's known for having a rubbish filter don't let it bother you. It'll all be different again before long, be the bigger person and encourage her to have a relationship with her gc based on who she is and their connection whatever that is.

To be honest it might be the sort of thing that a lot of grandparents to be think to themselves.

I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as I love my own children until my grandchildren actually arrived.

It's a bit odd she has said it out loud but I suppose at least she is honest.

Also - maybe it's quite nice for your husband to hear? I remember having to adjust to the fact that my parents adored my own children so much that I sort of had to take a back seat. I actually would have appreciated hearing occasionally that they still loved me the most I'm not actually sure they did once GCs came along!

Finally, I would also agree with a PP that some of it may be nerves about a new stage in her life as a grandparent. Maybe she is trying to reassure herself that not everything will change

Odd to say it out loud but not necessarily as crazy as some other posters are making out.

I am so relieved I didn't end up with MIL who overshares like this.
I'd be asking my DH to tell his ma not to make her DGC feel unloved. She can have whatever her feelings are but the G-kids shouldn't hear things to make them feel unloved or insecure.

Grandchild isn’t here yet @lljkk She may be different then. Also she isn’t saying she isn’t going to love them

@MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · Today 13:18

I can’t imagine feeling the same about the baby of somebody who is coming into my family v’s the baby of the person who I already know and love and is in my family ie my daughter.

EH? Are you saying you would love grandchildren that you have through your daughter, MORE than you would love grandchildren that you have through your SON?

Well she's right, your children won't be her own so she wont love them in the same way, it isn't the same thing. You're 18 weeks pregnant, once this baby arrives you'll be glad she's like this and not the opposite. I'd much rather my in laws act like our children are their grandchildren and not their children!! There is nothing more annoying than a mil wanting another shot at being the parent and wanting to relive/rewrite history. You'll be glad of this hands off approach (if that's what she's preparing you for).

From MN it seems to be a very common situation, the maternal family is usually favoured by the mother and the father has to accept that, not being allowed an opinion that doesn't 'support' the mother. You reap what you sow.

It's a weird thing to say and to keep saying.
To give her the benefit of the doubt do you think it's her, clumsy, way of saying she doesn't want to be an interfering grandparent?

Just say 'that's ok, I won't love your son as much as I love my dc either'

My mum has been very open that she loves our kids more than us.

I don't usually do the "are you sure it's not dementia" thing as usually it isn't, people are just horrible but....

When I was expecting, my mum in law kept telling me how much she didn't like babies i.e. little babies and also telling me how little weight she put on when she was pregnant (a stone) and how she was still playing tennis right up to the birth. She is a lot taller than me and I was a little barrel at the end (not one of these just got a bump, all my body looked "pregnant") although I put 2 stone on which at the time I was told was the right amount. The weight thing drove me mad but with hindsight she was starting with dementia caused by TIA's/mini strokes - so I think she was making a point on the weight thing but without the TIA's she wouldn't have said it out loud!

She also used to say she never ate chocolate whilst having a box of Maltesers down the side of the sofa!

Very sad.

Love this response!

My MIL said the same. That's she's going to be closer to her DD's children than her DS' (aka DH).

I found that quite hurtful. Even if true. You don't need to say it.

Really weird thing to say.

I was not prepared for the strength of my feelings when my grandson was born. I love him as much as I love my own children for sure.

What an odd thing to say. I bet this isn’t the first time she has made you feel uncomfortable. Be prepared for it to get worse unless you put your foot down BEFORE the baby is born.

Imagine if you respond by telling her the grandchild will never love her as much as it loves you.

Aha, my MIL too said she wasn't sure if she'll love the grandchildren.

Foot in mouth moment for sure, but spoiler alert now that they're here: she loves them.

She did struggle with because a grandmother, though.