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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL keeps saying she won’t love her grandchild as much as her own children

189 replies

pinkwatermelon · 09/12/2022 11:37

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with what will be both sides’ first grandchild (not that I think this is particularly relevant). Both sets of parents seem excited (to varying degrees, my parents have been more vocal about it) however my MIL keeps saying that she won’t love her grandchild as much as she loves her sons. AIBU to think this is really weird? She has mentioned it a couple of times now. In general we have a good relationship but she is prone to saying odd things.

I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me? I don’t know if she is trying to set expectations and it’s her way of saying that she doesn’t want the same sort of relationship/doesn’t wish to be relied upon for childcare further down the line? We have never mentioned or asked either sets of parents about being available for childcare in the future and would never expect this from either set of parents anyway. This is the only reason I can think of as to why she keeps saying what she says. I do feel quite upset and confused about it but don’t know if I’m being particularly sensitive though so please do say if so.

OP posts:
Survey99 · 09/12/2022 12:37

A bit weird of her to say it and a bit weird to vocalise a pecking order for love, but also a bit weird for you to give it so much head space.

Maybe she is just awkwardly musing over the unique experience of having and carrying her own children and trying to say how much love she felt for her child to explain to you how you will feel. It does not mean she wont love her dgc, just it will be different.

Yes you are being sensitive if this has caused you to be confused, hurt AND upset.

Nowt as queer as folk 🤷‍♀️

abcdefghijkml · 09/12/2022 12:37

whattodo1975 · 09/12/2022 11:56

That's such a strange thing to say.

Just say "Yes, but i will love my child more than you love your child".

See where she goes from there.

Don't say that...

Calphurnia88 · 09/12/2022 12:37

It's a very odd and unnecessary thing to say (and keep saying) out loud.

Theluckoftheirish · 09/12/2022 12:38

To add, my dm adores my kids, knows them inside out and manages not to be over nearing either.
MIL on the other hand could take them or leave them! No real interest in them, talks down to them, didn’t take time to get to know them…. But I honestly feel she was like that with her own too. People differ.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/12/2022 12:38

It is an odd thing to say. How can she possibly know until the baby is here.

Theluckoftheirish · 09/12/2022 12:39

*over bearing

Roselilly36 · 09/12/2022 12:39

Strange thing for her to say, I wouldn’t waste anytime thinking about it though, no point.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 09/12/2022 12:40

If it helps I don't have any children and never understood when people say how much they love their children/grandchildren etc. how it could be so strong etc. I've met cousins babies and they were cute but still just babies.

Then my sister had my nephew and I met him at a week old. Oh lord, I knew immediately id throw myself in front of a bus for that boy.

She simply doesn't think the love she had for her kids could be beaten id guess. But deep unfathomable love can also happen when you're a step apart from the parent.

Theluckoftheirish · 09/12/2022 12:41

Maybe she’s jealous that her ds will have yet another person in his life ( you being the other one ) that will take his attention away from her 🤔

MillyMollyManky · 09/12/2022 12:41

Survey99 · 09/12/2022 12:37

A bit weird of her to say it and a bit weird to vocalise a pecking order for love, but also a bit weird for you to give it so much head space.

Maybe she is just awkwardly musing over the unique experience of having and carrying her own children and trying to say how much love she felt for her child to explain to you how you will feel. It does not mean she wont love her dgc, just it will be different.

Yes you are being sensitive if this has caused you to be confused, hurt AND upset.

Nowt as queer as folk 🤷‍♀️

Yes, all of this.

GabriellaMontez · 09/12/2022 12:42

"So what"?

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/12/2022 12:42

My own DM loved my DCs intensely and certainly more than she loved me and my DB!

viques · 09/12/2022 12:46

If she carries on you can always point out that it doesn’t matter because the child will have another granny who will unconditionally love them to the moon and back ( or something similar if you can’t get your mouth to say those words out loud!)

hollyjolls · 09/12/2022 12:47

barbrahunter · 09/12/2022 11:46

Let her crack on. Better that than some MIL who smother and try to take over.

Yeah my MIL has always tried to be too intense and too involved and I really wish I had the opposite problem!

knittingaddict · 09/12/2022 12:48

I think it does catch you unawares when you meet your grandchild for the first time. I hadn't anticipated how much I would love them on sight. I don't know what it is exactly - a mix of emotions from having your own children and instantly recognising family. I'm not even particularly baby orientated or maternal.

It's a bit weird that your mil said that, but it's possible that she might surprise you and herself.

nordicwannabe · 09/12/2022 12:50

The first grandchild does seem to hit some women quite hard, especially if a lot of their identity is rooted in being a mother. It might take a while for your MIL to process the change in how she sees herself: from the mother/person who knows stuff and is in charge role to the grandmother/loving but more peripheral role.

If you can, try to see that this is about your MIL and her own sense of self: not about you or your baby.

I'm sure she'll adore your little one once he/she is here.

Suedomin · 09/12/2022 12:51

It' a strange thing to say but she sounds as though she is someone who speaks without thinking.
I also think it's odd to speak in degrees of love . love is a strong emotion and you love someone or you don't. There are many different kinds of love but they are all equal.

antelopevalley · 09/12/2022 12:51

It is a very strange thing to say.
But I think carrying a baby makes you fall more in love with a baby before they are born.
She may be scared about getting older and see this as a sign of that, and expressing it in strange ways.
Wait until the baby is here, she may feel differently when she meets them.

Bollindger · 09/12/2022 12:53

Ok, I said you were unfair.
She knows her son's and loves them, she has never met baby. So yes right now she can not see how she could love anybody more than her son's.
Think on this though , your going to feel exactly the same the second you hold your child. Would you want to bypass the loved up feelings your going to get as a mum, would you not be cross if you were told this is not allowed.
Instead tell her you understand , and so long as she loves the baby you will be fine. Do not die on this hill, you have many many bigger hills to climb.

PrincessScarlett · 09/12/2022 12:53

It is a weird thing to say and she hasn't said it well so I can see how you would feel hurt.

I can only assume she's thinking of giving birth to her own children and the unconditional burst of love that many mums feel when they meet their baby for the first time. Obviously that is very personal to a mum and not something a grandparent would experience with a grandchild, albeit there would still be a strong feeling not love.

Justthisonce12 · 09/12/2022 12:55

She needs to keep her thoughts to herself, but I can totally concur. There’s no way I’m going to love. Some little alien creature presented to me by my son‘s wife, even in the same way that I can imagine loving my daughter‘s children. It’s just different.

PrincessScarlett · 09/12/2022 12:55

Should read "strong feeling OF love" at end of my post not "strong feeling not love" 🤦🏻‍♀️

stormywhethers321 · 09/12/2022 12:56

"I get it. I don't love you as much as I love my parents."

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/12/2022 12:57

Justthisonce12 · 09/12/2022 12:55

She needs to keep her thoughts to herself, but I can totally concur. There’s no way I’m going to love. Some little alien creature presented to me by my son‘s wife, even in the same way that I can imagine loving my daughter‘s children. It’s just different.

that seems an absolutely fine and normal thing to type.

Goldbar · 09/12/2022 12:57

I'd be tempted to say "No shit, Sherlock!" and smile. But if your MIL is spouting this sort of drivel to you, I'm assuming she's the type who doesn't mind giving offence but is quite quick to take offence.