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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL keeps saying she won’t love her grandchild as much as her own children

189 replies

pinkwatermelon · 09/12/2022 11:37

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with what will be both sides’ first grandchild (not that I think this is particularly relevant). Both sets of parents seem excited (to varying degrees, my parents have been more vocal about it) however my MIL keeps saying that she won’t love her grandchild as much as she loves her sons. AIBU to think this is really weird? She has mentioned it a couple of times now. In general we have a good relationship but she is prone to saying odd things.

I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me? I don’t know if she is trying to set expectations and it’s her way of saying that she doesn’t want the same sort of relationship/doesn’t wish to be relied upon for childcare further down the line? We have never mentioned or asked either sets of parents about being available for childcare in the future and would never expect this from either set of parents anyway. This is the only reason I can think of as to why she keeps saying what she says. I do feel quite upset and confused about it but don’t know if I’m being particularly sensitive though so please do say if so.

OP posts:
MrsTumblebee · 09/12/2022 12:13

She’s attention seeking. Once the baby is here, if not before, she’ll be hit in the chest with a thunderbolt and and realize she’s being daft.

PeaceJoySleep · 09/12/2022 12:13

It's an odd thing to say but I'd guess it's natural.

Next time she says something she shouldn't have said out loud say ''i get that'' and take the power out of it.

Marigoldandivy · 09/12/2022 12:14

Tell her that’s OK, baby will have enough love from his or her parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2022 12:15

She sounds unhinged. Who the fuck would actually say that, out loud, to their DIL and son? Unbelievable. I'd be giving her a wide berth.

MrsTumblebee · 09/12/2022 12:16

This reminds me of making our usual weekly visit to our daughters home one Friday morning and the first thing my husband said when he caught sight of her was - are you expecting. She started laughing and told her husband there was no need to go to the pharmacy as her dad has just asked her so it must be true

Blizy · 09/12/2022 12:18

Take no notice. When I was pregnant with my first (second grandchild) fil told my dh that he wouldn't love my baby as much as his first grandchild!

MamaFirst · 09/12/2022 12:19

It's a really weird and unnecessary thing to say out loud, but I wouldn't be hurt by it. It's something that does even need to be compared, and honestly I find it much more hurtful when parents stop caring so much about their own children because they're adults.
If she's dismissive and careless with the child once they're actually here, then that would be a worthwhile thing to be hurt by and deal with at the time. For now I'd just roll my eyes at her, or say 'that's a weird thing to say out loud' next time she says it.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 09/12/2022 12:19

Reply "yeah that's the way it goes, the baby will love me more than you as well"

Cakecakecheese · 09/12/2022 12:19

Maybe she's trying to make your husband feel like he's still her special boy or something.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/12/2022 12:19

The only suitable response to that is "Oh, that's alright. I'm quite certain that your son and I will more than make up for any inadequacies of love that they may get from you."

Turn her shitty comment right back at her.

That is a very strange and hurtful thing she has said to you.

Has she said it with your other half in earshot or just to you? It would be interesting to get their opinion on what their parent is saying about their grandchild.

Mum5net · 09/12/2022 12:20

My DM was 65 when my first child came along. She made similar sorts of odd declarations although not exactly the same. However, the oddities increased and looking back 25 years, these lack of filter comments were indeed the first stages of dementia…

Americano75 · 09/12/2022 12:22

Is she maybe trying to reassure you that she won't be one of those in your face grandmothers, treading on your toes?

HattyBatty · 09/12/2022 12:23

There was no need for her to say that, what a strange thing to say! My parents definitely love our DS more than their own children 😁

Toomanysleepycats · 09/12/2022 12:24

I agree it’s an unnecessary thing to say.

I can only think that perhaps you being pregnant has reminded her of when she was pregnant and how much she fell in love with her own child when he was born.

She then imagines meeting your child and doesn’t think she will feel the same intensity of emotion.

Shes just not being very imaginative and is forgetting about the hormone rush that most new mothers get that increase the bond. She is also forgetting that you fall in love with your own children/grandchildren as they grow and develop their own little personalities.

Also there are just some people who just don’t have a filter, and say what they think, without first thinking about who their audience is. She may already have said this to a friend already, then forgot to think you shouldn’t say this to the mother of the unborn grandchild.

Best of luck with your pregnancy.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/12/2022 12:24

How does she know? It's not been born yet. And it's her first!

xmasx · 09/12/2022 12:26

I had a similar-ish thing with my DM and DS (first grandchild). I would say something like "he's just the most beautiful baby in the world" and she'd say "nope, not as beautiful as my babies" and things like that. After about a year, I called her out on it and we had a BIG talk about it. The long and short of it was that, as a grandparent, she had this incredible love for DS like her own children but with none of the power to see him or make decisions about him or be involved like a parent. So, she sort of tried to create a distinction for herself so she wasn't grieving (that's the word she used) not being his actual parent. I think a lot of grandmothers have this feeling but (if mumsnet is anything to go by) it usually comes out in an over-involved, smothering and controlling way but, with my DM, it came out a bit like how it's coming out with your MIL.

I think it's harder to know this with MILs than with DMs (and not really a relationship for a big heart-to-heart) but my DM would never be trying to hurt or upset or not absolutely adore, cherish and support her DGCs so, if I were in your position, I'd just give her the benefit of the doubt that she either has good intentions or she's struggling with something and try to ignore it.

Tlolljs · 09/12/2022 12:26

Well seeing the baby isn’t here yet I don’t know how she knows.
I love my grandchildren at least as much as my children.

7eleven · 09/12/2022 12:27

What a funny thing for her to say! In my experience, I love my grandchildren as much, but in a different way.

Try not to give it headspace. If she says it again just reply “Good to know!”

audeloquipalam · 09/12/2022 12:27

In line with a previous poster: with hindsight, the things DM said about my sisters children were an early sign of dementia.

Lesserspottedmama · 09/12/2022 12:28

It’s odd that she has felt the need to voice this thought aloud to you, multiple times. She may not feel this way once the child is born, but equally she might. One set of my children’s grandparents have always been quite besotted with their grandchildren, but the other pair only really have a vague fondness for their grandchildren while remaining very besotted with their own children (all mid forties) to the point where they often come across as excessively critical of the grandchildren as they are always worrying that their own children may be negatively impacted in some way by the demands of parenthood. It’s like they have never stepped back emotionally from that intense parent-child relationship and so there is not much growing room for an emotional attachment to a grandchild to develop. I do find it quite unusual but all families are different at suppose. Hope for the best, wait and see and adjust the child’s exposure accordingly as they grow.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 09/12/2022 12:31

My mil recounted her neighbours traumatic still birth 30-odd years ago and subsequent infertility to me when I took round a 20 week scan pic for her. I think she genuinely just didn’t know what to say as she is quite awkward socially sometimes. She also tells me the same story about how she got ‘told off’ by a midwife for technique she used when she was breastfeeding, probably twice a week for 6 months. This was 51 years ago with her eldest.

sounds like MIL might just want to be putting some sort of barrier up, maybe to assert that she too has been a mother with babies - some older ladies I find like to reminisce of when they were young mums with babies often using rose tinted glasses maybe sometimes claiming how much harder it was than ‘nowadays’, how much easier their babies were (ie. they slept through from two weeks, you just let them cry etc) Almost as it it’s a way to say ‘look I had a baby once too, I’m still a mummy even though my babies grew up, and I was really good at it’

just nod and smile and be like well yes they’re you’re babies MIL, of course you love them to bits, just like this is my baby I will love like mad too. And when the baby comes I’m telling you, she will be all over you and them!!

sneezingpandamum · 09/12/2022 12:31

It's odd she's voiced it out loud but she probably does have a point. I will of course love my grandchildren one day but it won't be the same as loving my children. Seeing them day in day out and raising them. Having that mother/child bond. At the end of the day they aren't my children they are my children's children and that love and bond is sacred to between them much the same way it is between me and my children

Theluckoftheirish · 09/12/2022 12:33

Ignore her!
Next time reply ‘ no one’s asking you to’
She just sounds like a kill joy!

SallyWD · 09/12/2022 12:34

I think my MIL definitely loves my children more than her own, haha! However, my own mother has said a couple of times that she loves her children more than her grandchildren and she prefers to see us than them! Despite that she is a very loving and attentive grandma. She's so good with them (she just loves her own children more!). It doesn't upset me.

abcdefghijkml · 09/12/2022 12:36

Colcat · 09/12/2022 11:47

It's a strange thing to say but it's true.

I'm finding the complete opposite with my parents and my pils