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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL keeps saying she won’t love her grandchild as much as her own children

189 replies

pinkwatermelon · 09/12/2022 11:37

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with what will be both sides’ first grandchild (not that I think this is particularly relevant). Both sets of parents seem excited (to varying degrees, my parents have been more vocal about it) however my MIL keeps saying that she won’t love her grandchild as much as she loves her sons. AIBU to think this is really weird? She has mentioned it a couple of times now. In general we have a good relationship but she is prone to saying odd things.

I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me? I don’t know if she is trying to set expectations and it’s her way of saying that she doesn’t want the same sort of relationship/doesn’t wish to be relied upon for childcare further down the line? We have never mentioned or asked either sets of parents about being available for childcare in the future and would never expect this from either set of parents anyway. This is the only reason I can think of as to why she keeps saying what she says. I do feel quite upset and confused about it but don’t know if I’m being particularly sensitive though so please do say if so.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 16:10

@Lovageandrose to be fair I am sure our DC love me and DH more than they do their GPs

Pinchelada · 09/12/2022 16:38

My MIL told me that she loves my kids just as much as I love them. I’m sorry but this is blatantly untrue. She does love them, but I just can’t see how her love can equal mine. Even if I hadn’t felt each baby grow and kick inside me (which doesn’t equate to love, and not all mothers have carried or given birth to their babies) it’s me who has birthed them, breastfed them (again not a prerequisite for being a loving mother), who got up with them in the night, mopped their brow when they had fevers, took them to all of their appointments, and just generally have shared every moment of their growth and development since I saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Only their father can truly share in the heartbreaking depth of love that we have for our kids. Grandparent love can be, and often is, huge. However it’s not the same love that a parent has for their children. The love I have for my children hurts. I know every freckle on their face, every birth mark, every little patch of dry skin. They are always in my thoughts and in my heart. Their grandparents may love them but not in the same way as me or their dad.

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 16:43

My MIL told me that she loves my kids just as much as I love them. I’m sorry but this is blatantly untrue
Of course it's untrue, she's just trying to send a message that she outranks you

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 16:50

Grandparents can't win. Love them too much, love them too little

Zanatdy · 09/12/2022 16:52

Odd thing to say but not an odd thing to feel

ThinWomansBrain · 09/12/2022 16:57

If she says it again, just say it's a very different relationship, and you don't imagine she would - but also point out it's an odd thing to say, and ask why she needs to keep repeating it.

hiredandsqueak · 09/12/2022 17:01

I wouldn't have said anything to my dd or my dil but it's true I love my own children more than my grandchildren. It's not harmful at all they get that love from their parents. I love them and care for them but it's not the same love I have for their parents.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 09/12/2022 17:01

I'm pretty sure my da loves my daughter a hell of a lot more than me (and I'm happy with this ad she worships him) 😅

Pinchelada · 09/12/2022 17:01

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 16:43

My MIL told me that she loves my kids just as much as I love them. I’m sorry but this is blatantly untrue
Of course it's untrue, she's just trying to send a message that she outranks you

I know. It really disappointed me actually. It was one upmanship for sure, and we had always got along fine before that.

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 17:02

OP states that MIL keeps saying this, but then later states she has said it a couple of times

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2022 17:07

Tell her that's normal. They won't love her as much as they love you but it really doesn't matter who loves who more as long as nobody goes on about it in front of the kids.

Original poster
pinkwatermelon · 09/12/2022 17:20

Thank you for all the responses, they have been very helpful in helping me gain perspective. Sorry I meant to say in the OP that she has said it a couple of times in front of me AND DH. She has mentioned it multiple times to me. I think if she says it again I will question it and ask her why she keeps saying it! Up until now I have felt too awkward to respond/not known what to say.

It’s completely fair if she thinks that but I just don’t understand what she’s trying to get out of me by telling me. As people have suggested it may be that she is struggling with becoming a grandmother or is trying to protect my DH’s feelings by saying she will still love him more although I don’t know why she would feel the need to do this as they aren’t really that close and he isn’t a particularly sensitive person. My DH thinks it’s very strange that she keeps saying this but has told me to just ignore it.

I guess things could also change by the time the baby comes and who knows how anyone will feel by that point!

Also noted re suggestions of dementia, she has made a few other strange comments lately and there is a family history of it. Will keep an eye on any further comments/unusual behaviour. I hadn’t connected the two but there may be something there.

OP posts:
Isittrueornot · 09/12/2022 17:23

I think she is saying it because she is trying to convince herself. All grandparents love their grandkids more than their kids, mainly because the kids are now adults and doing their own thing and grandkids are young and cute and wayyyy to easy to fall in love with!

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 17:26

Maybe her response to you if you ask why she keeps saying it might give you a clue whether it is possibly dementia related. What does FIL say?

PollyPut · 09/12/2022 17:34

Odd thing to say.

I suspect she's jealous, and would like to have time with her own babies being small again.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/12/2022 17:35

Isittrueornot · 09/12/2022 17:23

I think she is saying it because she is trying to convince herself. All grandparents love their grandkids more than their kids, mainly because the kids are now adults and doing their own thing and grandkids are young and cute and wayyyy to easy to fall in love with!

All grandparents love their grandkids more than their kids?

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 17:41

Pinchelada · 09/12/2022 17:01

I know. It really disappointed me actually. It was one upmanship for sure, and we had always got along fine before that.

Show quote history

I think older people sort of cant help it, something in you always wants your children to be children so that you can be boss, and there's a kind of inchoate longing to be restored to when you were in your prime which makes you want to see your children's generation as junior to you.
I think much of it is unconscious and it take a lot of self awareness to recognize, seems to me that ability to be self aware declines as we age?

saraclara · 09/12/2022 18:00

I think older people sort of cant help it, something in you always wants your children to be children so that you can be boss, and there's a kind of inchoate longing to be restored to when you were in your prime which makes you want to see your children's generation as junior to you.
I think much of it is unconscious and it take a lot of self awareness to recognize, seems to me that ability to be self aware declines as we age?

WTF? Nice ageism there.

I loved being a mum when my kids were young, and yes, I miss those times. But it's not so that I can be boss, ffs! It was just a lovely time of my life, and I enjoy reliving it in some small way, with my DGDs.

As for not being self-aware... If anything I'm a lot more self aware at this age. Because my past experiences make me more empathetic of others, and also more aware of how I've reacted to things in the past and how that's influenced my life and others.

It's a bit unfortunate in some ways because it makes me over-think simple things, because I reflect for too long and am anxious not to repeat my mistakes.

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 18:05

WTF? Nice ageism there
I'm talking about myself and did not intend to cause offence
my apologies 🙏

saraclara · 09/12/2022 18:08

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 18:05

WTF? Nice ageism there
I'm talking about myself and did not intend to cause offence
my apologies 🙏

Ah, then I get that your feelings were different from mine. MN is such a hotbed of ageism that I get an instinctive reaction when people imply that we're all somehow wanting to usurp the parents' role.

Justthisonce12 · 09/12/2022 18:08

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/12/2022 17:35

All grandparents love their grandkids more than their kids?

Show quote history

I can 100% confirm that I much prefer my children now that they can carry their own carry on luggage and wipe their own arse.

healthadvice123 · 09/12/2022 18:16

Maybe she is scared that she won't be able to be close so like a defence mechanism , if she has ever read mumsnet.
I know I was really worried when expecting ds2 that i couldn't possibly love him like ds1, obviously i did and still do.
My mil I would say probably only cares for my kids not love and its mutual , she just not an interested grandparent , but this is not the norm with my friends there mil all adore their GC

Rubyupbeat · 09/12/2022 18:18

I love my children more than anything, although I did love my mum equally. So it seems unbelievable that I could love anyone else as much, but my mum used to and my sister says, you love your grandchildren just as much as your own children.
I am looking forward to the moment I become a Nana.

GG1986 · 09/12/2022 18:25

If she says it again, reply with "well of course you won't, because you didn't give birth to them and it isn't your child"

Thedogscollar · 09/12/2022 18:35

Justthisonce12 · 09/12/2022 12:55

She needs to keep her thoughts to herself, but I can totally concur. There’s no way I’m going to love. Some little alien creature presented to me by my son‘s wife, even in the same way that I can imagine loving my daughter‘s children. It’s just different.

Would you refer to your daughters children as alien creature?
What a weird way of thinking.
I feel sorry for your future gc that you will love them less based on whose body they came out of.
Your opinion and you are entitled to it but quite frankly it's disgusting.

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