MIL keeps saying she won’t love her grandchild as much as her own children

[pinkwatermelon]

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with what will be both sides’ first grandchild (not that I think this is particularly relevant). Both sets of parents seem excited (to varying degrees, my parents have been more vocal about it) however my MIL keeps saying that she won’t love her grandchild as much as she loves her sons. AIBU to think this is really weird? She has mentioned it a couple of times now. In general we have a good relationship but she is prone to saying odd things.

I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me? I don’t know if she is trying to set expectations and it’s her way of saying that she doesn’t want the same sort of relationship/doesn’t wish to be relied upon for childcare further down the line? We have never mentioned or asked either sets of parents about being available for childcare in the future and would never expect this from either set of parents anyway. This is the only reason I can think of as to why she keeps saying what she says. I do feel quite upset and confused about it but don’t know if I’m being particularly sensitive though so please do say if so.

Next time say that's a peculiar thing to say do you realise you said it out loud?
and see how she responds

It's very odd thing to say, quite inappropriate too. But I wouldn't be getting hurt by it.

This is one of this situations surely where you respond with, "well, of course not MIL - you've had your children. I bet I'll love him or her as much as you love DH though" and move on.

What do you say when she says it?

I find it really odd that this is even what she’s thinking about - after all, who would have expected her to?

Is it worth asking her if she thought she would love grandchildren like her own children? Or what her relationship was like with her own grandmother? Maybe she has something she wants to talk about and is expressing herself badly.

I posted too soon and I stand corrected.... this is the right response🥇

You're not being over-sensitive, plus you've recognised that it's not MiL's sentiment that is out of order, it's the fact that she needs to keep expressing it.

It's an odd one - but you mention she has form for saying weird things anyway, so for your own peace of mind, chalk it up to that & just Grey Rock her.
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

Every time she says it - "that's nice dear. Would you like tea or coffee?"
or some other subject-changing question.
Repeat this every time like a mantra - the Broken Record technique -so that if she's saying it to get a rise out of you, she'll soon cotton on that it's not working.

It's likely something to do with insecurity, or anxiety about how MiL feels her perception of the 'pecking order' is changing.
What she might really be feeling is "I don't want my son to love this baby more than me." That's pretty much unsayable! - she may not even be consciously aware of it - so it comes out as this odd little phrase instead.

All the grandparents I know bang on and on about how being a grandparent is wayyyy better than being a parent and how the love is like nothing they've every known etc etc. My parents included. Maybe she's reacting to that phenomenon in her friends rather than to you and your baby.

Bit odd to say it thought to be fair.

That works. It's not rude, it's just factual. As is (for most grandparents) that athlough they adore their grandkids, it's not (quite) the same level of visceral love that they had for their own kids at the same age. It's close though.

To me it sounds as if she's trying to reassure her son that if he feels pushed out he'll still be more important to her than the baby.

Not sure that that's a good thing though!

It's fair enough, she's entitled to her feelings, and there are people on here that say they don't enjoy being grandparents.

Unnecessary to say it out loud.

Everyone is different.
My father loved my children more than anyone on this Earth. I never got a look in again once my first ds was born! From the second he clapped eyes on my eldest it was “football who? oh yes, that one, the one who gave me my grandchild!”

🤣 I’m not bitter, it was lovely.

I know people always say this, but I would wonder if she has ASD. Just reminds me of it with her habit of saying what comes into her head without thinking.

Explain this? You won't love your son's children but will love your daughter's children?

Yeah must be ASD. Always ASD.

Is no one ever just a twat these days?

Very odd thing to say.

As an aside, I'm fairly sure my mam loves my kids more than she loves me. She was never a particularly attentive or involved mother, but she is OBSESSED with her grandkids.

true or not (and it probably will be) it’s such a strange thing to say out loud

😂 love his honesty

Very weird to tell you this.

Maybe she is trying to let you know she won't be hands on.

Not all grandparents can be arsed with GC. They have done their childcare with their DC and don't want to srart again with a new generation.

I have seen this many times within my friendship group, one set of GPs very excited / hands on /'present'; the other set of GPs hands off / do the minimum etc

Is she trying to reassure her son he won’t be displaced in her love? Cack handedly?

Maybe she had an overbearing MIL who was always wanging on about how much she loved her DGC, and she's trying to reassure you that she won't be like that. It is odd but you never know what strange underlying assumptions people have. I'd just say something like "yes, it's a different relationship" and purt it out of your mind.

I know all they can do is make a joke of it when a parent tells their child that they love their grandchild more. But it's genuinely sad to me. It's not cute or endearing.

What a weirdo. Fair enough if you think it but don't say it!! God my kids are still kids and I cant wait to have grand babies 😂

Are you close to your mum? If so you could say, "The baby's so lucky to have my mum around - I know she feels very differently to you."

Maybe she is trying to reassure you she won’t interfere, call herself “mummy” etc

Nobody has to explain their feelings or justify them, but if you actually read what the post says instead of making up your own version of it, it says that I can’t imagine feeling the same about the baby of somebody who is coming into my family v’s the baby of the person who I already know and love and is in my family ie my daughter.

As an example, I remember, my mother just walking into our house, the day my third daughter had been born and scooping her up out of the Moses basket for a snuggle, my mother-in-law who had been living with us for a week pointed out that she hadn’t had a hold 10 days later, because she just didn’t feel comfortable enough to do what my mother did.