MIL keeps saying she won’t love her grandchild as much as her own children

[pinkwatermelon]

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with what will be both sides’ first grandchild (not that I think this is particularly relevant). Both sets of parents seem excited (to varying degrees, my parents have been more vocal about it) however my MIL keeps saying that she won’t love her grandchild as much as she loves her sons. AIBU to think this is really weird? She has mentioned it a couple of times now. In general we have a good relationship but she is prone to saying odd things.

I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me? I don’t know if she is trying to set expectations and it’s her way of saying that she doesn’t want the same sort of relationship/doesn’t wish to be relied upon for childcare further down the line? We have never mentioned or asked either sets of parents about being available for childcare in the future and would never expect this from either set of parents anyway. This is the only reason I can think of as to why she keeps saying what she says. I do feel quite upset and confused about it but don’t know if I’m being particularly sensitive though so please do say if so.

My mum wasn't over keen on being a grandparent, the idea of it seemed to make her feel old and she was very open about having 'done her time' etc referring to childcare. Even though she lives 200 miles away. Well she's got 4 grandchildren now (me and my sister's) and she is fully obsessed with them all. They even travel down to look after them in the holidays without being asked.

I disagree. My kids are OK but I adore my grandkids

it says that I can’t imagine feeling the same about the baby of somebody who is coming into my family v’s the baby of the person who I already know

Your son is presumably a 'person who [you] already know'? Or are babies just the woman's?
You sound utterly weird.

That's at odds with my mother who told me she feels more of a connection with my DC than she ever did with me!

I can’t imagine feeling the same about the baby of somebody who is coming into my family v’s the baby of the person who I already know and love and is in my family ie my daughter.

So your son's baby won't be his, it will be your daughter-in-laws and therefore less worthy of your love?

Yikes.

But I'm sure your son is aware of your 'quirks' and will protect his kids from you.

But I'm sure your son is aware of your 'quirks' and will protect his kids from you.
🤣

My mum loves my kids more than she loves me, she is quite open about it. It annoyed me at first. My dad has never mentioned it but when asked he said no. He loves me more as I'm his child, he loves the kids as they are an extension of me (in his words) but not more. My mil loves her own son more and is clear about that. She was also very clear about the level of childcare she would provide and she did help us with two afternoon's a week for 2 years and I'm very grateful. She will never go out of her way for her grandchildren though or at least my children. She strongly feels she's done her time raising her own children. That is absolutely fair.

Sounds like she's just letting you know she isn't going to go above and beyond. That might change once she holds the baby it might not. Don't rely on her for childcare and don't expect more of her than she is willing to give. Don't let it upset you, laugh it oft with things like, 'no gran of the year award for you then'. If it bothers you that much you could get your oh to speak to her but I much prefer to deal with things head on myself. If I was in your shoes I'd say to her that it was fair enough but you'd prefer I'd she didn't keep banging on about it.

I would just say "I wouldnt expect you to, hes your grandson." If she says it again as if everything is ok and if someone has said something to make her overthink it. Maybe she is going through something mentally and just needs reassurance.

I'm only pregnant and my husband said "why to have kids if I won't get grandchildren" 😂I bought a newspaper when Queen passed away, so I can show it to my grandchildren!!!

It is a bit of an odd thing to say.

Better than my ex MIL though, who used to tell me I was just a surrogate and she was going to run away with my baby when he was born.

She’s just very strange —- I mean why would she say such a thing?
You love differently, but no less. And in my experience, genuine people find their love expands to welcome and encompass more family members as they arrive.

Just watch as your child grows she doesn’t make weird comments to him/her. Hopefully your parents will step up and be brilliant grandparents.

Maybe she means "Alas, I probably will not able to love my grandchildren as much as my children"

I'm hard wired to protect the little ones in our clan. Adore them equally. But there may be a difference, I haven't been tested. My children in hospital at times I've been terrified. My grandchildren I've worried when they've been ill in hospital. But I'm less involved. I'm not there, parents are. BUT as I say I've not been tested and I hope to god I never will be

Next time she says it, snap back with ‘yeah I know, you keep telling me that!’ Might shock her in to shutting up in future.

What a rude and weird thing to say. As a pp said @pinkwatermelon just say 'well this baby isn't yours anyway, so .... ) OR if you're bold enough say 'what the fuck are you saying that for? '

This⬆️ I’ve been there , let others enjoy your child.

It's weird she said it out loud but considering how many threads appear on MN from DIL despairing because their MIL is taking over and trying to get their grandkids to call them mummy, I'd take this as a win. It means she knows her place. Maybe that's what she was trying to get across?

Well, science is against her. Re-activated maternal feelings are usually stronger! Once she sees the baby, she will quite likely be besotted.

Odd thing for her to say though. Maybe she's worried about moving on a generation?
Maybe she resents your promotion to motherhood, when she's had the role to herself?

Pay no attention. If she's not up for the wonderful experience of being a Granny, then it's her loss! All the very best for you and baby.

I would probably reply "No, and he or she will love me more than they love you"

So you expect your MIL to have the same love for your child as you will? I'm sure my Mil loves my dd, but I don't think she loves her in the same way I do! So YABU

Maybe she reads MN and wants to let you know she doesn't want to play mummy with your baby.

A lot of people on MN seem to just read the thread title and not bother with the content.

'I do feel quite hurt by this, not because I expect her to love the baby more than or the same as her own children (who are all adults in their thirties) as it is a completely different relationship, but I don’t understand why she feels the need to say this out loud to me?'

Maybe it's her way of trying to reassure you that she won't overstep the mark and realises that there is a difference between a mother and a grandmother.

No idea why she is saying this - seems completely unnecessary. Next time "I know - you told me before. They won't love you as much as they love their mum either"

WTF 🤬