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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry and disappointed in my teen in equal measure

221 replies

harrassedmumto3 · 09/12/2022 08:55

Today was the last day for a Christmas present appeal (for homeless children) at her school. I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.
She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?
I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.
Sorry folks, I've written this in the moment where I found the gifts in her room, and am still feeling fucking annoyed.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 15:21

Yes I do have children. 2 actually. So I see first hand the selective memories, and the assumptions im just going to pick up after them/drop what im.doing to pick them up, dropping off stuff becuase of a spontaneous sleep over whilst simultaneously looking at me like I bit the head off their puppy when I dare ask one of them to not take that crisp packet upstairs to join the 20 others that also missed the bin

orchid220 · 09/12/2022 15:22

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:08

Oh good heavens… it’s the OP

bloody. Hell.

That is not an approach that is going to sit well with the teenage years and parental relations in any shape or fashion

OP is harrassedmumto3 not Whatwouldscullydo aren't they?

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 15:23

I'm not the op fir sure .

Janieread · 09/12/2022 15:24

Sorry OP - you are being ridiculously harsh. This wouldn't bother me at all, but then we actually do have RL things to worry about.

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:25

In that case @Whatwouldscullydo

do you have children?

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:26

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 15:21

Yes I do have children. 2 actually. So I see first hand the selective memories, and the assumptions im just going to pick up after them/drop what im.doing to pick them up, dropping off stuff becuase of a spontaneous sleep over whilst simultaneously looking at me like I bit the head off their puppy when I dare ask one of them to not take that crisp packet upstairs to join the 20 others that also missed the bin

What were teen years like in your home and how is your relationship with them now?

Janieread · 09/12/2022 15:26

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2022 15:03

Ah yes that old chestnut. "The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise...."

They also have to get a degree for a job which an 18yr used to do, they pay through the nose for that education, have little prospect of getting on the housing ladder without parental support, have been the first generation to have to navigate the shit show of social media bullying at school and have to deal with vastly more distractions than I did at school.

Every generation faces its unique challenges and advantages.

Show quote history

Quite.

2bazookas · 09/12/2022 15:37

These were two opportunities for teen pupils to think of others at Christmas , to make some small personal donation. Your daughter is such a spoilt princess she didnt need to bother.

You did the thinking and shopping for her.

That's why she felt so little involvement or connection in your purchases she completely forgot them.

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 15:41

My teen years? They were pretty uninteresting and normal id say. I went to school did my homework hung out with friends went to the pub. I wasn't too old fir the wooden spoon if I misbehaved. I wouldnt have been allowed out if I left my room in the state they leave theirs in though. My parents were alot stricter that I am. I'm undecided if trying not to parent like my parents did has actually done me any favours really. All the trying to be understanding and supportive and facilitating of dd1s social life etc and the huge sacrifices I made to try and be around for them as much as possible appears to have gone unnoticed and unappreciated and if anything thrown back in my face. But on we go...

We get on ok. I mean we are completely different as people . We did have a period of not speaking in my 20s but fir the sake of the kids I forgave and forgot so ti speak.

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:44

All the trying to be understanding and supportive and facilitating of dd1s social life etc and the huge sacrifices I made to try and be around for them as much as possible appears to have gone unnoticed and unappreciated and if anything thrown back in my face. But on we go...

We get on ok. I mean we are completely different as people . We did have a period of not speaking in my 20s but fir the sake of the kids I forgave and forgot so ti speak.

I would be very very sad if my relationship with my adult children is as you describe.

and so your stance re how to approach teen years…. I think best avoided.

can’t you see that you are recommending a hardline approach to teenage years but then quite clearly you went on to have a very unsatisfactory relationship with your adult children.
that is no coincidence

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 15:53

I think what I'm saying is you are fucked either way. I tried to do the opposite to what my parents did and thats not ideal either. Your kids still take the piss and their rooms a shit hole and your washing up at 11.00 at night on top of being treated like a doormat.

Now I older I can actually appreciate what my parents did even if I disagreed at the time. They threw me out in my 20s. I was hurt and thats why I didbt speak to them. Now I see it was probably the best thing they could have done fir me.

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:54

I think what I'm saying is you are fucked either way.

well you’re wrong there. Your situation didn’t work out happily with your teens / adult children sadly

Many many others… do

Ilovemybed2022 · 09/12/2022 15:55

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2022 10:40

@Ilovemybed2022

would you really forget a gift for someone less fortunate for yourself?? Would you not feel about this?

Show quote history

I’d be a bit pissed off with myself. But I wouldn’t have anyone else giving me a hard time. I’d make it up later and donate to the food bank etx.

but, I had a mother who constantly criticised me (I was a fairly normal teenager: very academic, not wild) and my mum was always critical . Possibly why I now have an anxiety disorder

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:55

Your kids still take the piss and their rooms a shit hole and your washing up at 11.00 at night on top of being treated like a doormat.

Negativity drips from every comment you make about your children

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 09/12/2022 16:01

harrassedmumto3 · 09/12/2022 09:16

'Be kind' is the worst thing to say to me at this moment. I am kind. And don't forget stuff like this.

Show quote history

But that isn't a kind or empathetic response. I'm a kind person but I'm also very very forgetful and disorganised. Attributing scattiness to lack of kindness shows a lack of understanding and won't get you anywhere.

If you're approaching your daughter with a similiar attitude no wonder you're getting defensiveness and lack of responsibility. If I forgot something and was accused of being generally unkind and selfish as a result I'd probably be defensive too.

orchid220 · 09/12/2022 16:02

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 15:41

My teen years? They were pretty uninteresting and normal id say. I went to school did my homework hung out with friends went to the pub. I wasn't too old fir the wooden spoon if I misbehaved. I wouldnt have been allowed out if I left my room in the state they leave theirs in though. My parents were alot stricter that I am. I'm undecided if trying not to parent like my parents did has actually done me any favours really. All the trying to be understanding and supportive and facilitating of dd1s social life etc and the huge sacrifices I made to try and be around for them as much as possible appears to have gone unnoticed and unappreciated and if anything thrown back in my face. But on we go...

We get on ok. I mean we are completely different as people . We did have a period of not speaking in my 20s but fir the sake of the kids I forgave and forgot so ti speak.

Wooden spoon! Are you in th UK? I don't think that has been legal for a long time.

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 16:02

God..are parents not allowed to vent any more. Its not like we are saying this stuff to them. I've done everything for both of them. And I take everything they throw at me and I smile and I carry on and tell myself one day they will be parents and they will understand finally..

Parents are surely allowed to find it hard sometimes when their kids come home from their dads having had their heads filled with ideas about me having boyfriends, getting them to call him.dad ( I'm single) being told I kicked him out, questions about why I'm doing stuff and being wowed with stuff I can't afford like new phones and computer games. etc

Choconut · 09/12/2022 16:03

If you have a teen and want them to remember to take something to school with them that doesn't directly impact them in any way, then you literally need to put it into their hands as they walk out the front door or make sure it's already in their bag if you have to leave before them.

IMO you really should know this as you've had a teen for a few years now, so I'd call it poor parenting of a teen rather than blame them. Teens often have poor executive function, your priorities are not their priorities. Next time ask her if she wants to get involved with it and she will be more motivated to remember if she's been involved from the start, or if she doesn't want to then just donate some money to a homeless charity.

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 16:04

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 16:02

God..are parents not allowed to vent any more. Its not like we are saying this stuff to them. I've done everything for both of them. And I take everything they throw at me and I smile and I carry on and tell myself one day they will be parents and they will understand finally..

Parents are surely allowed to find it hard sometimes when their kids come home from their dads having had their heads filled with ideas about me having boyfriends, getting them to call him.dad ( I'm single) being told I kicked him out, questions about why I'm doing stuff and being wowed with stuff I can't afford like new phones and computer games. etc

Parents are surely allowed to find it hard sometimes when their kids come home from their dads having had their heads filled with ideas about me having boyfriends, getting them to call him.dad ( I'm single) being told I kicked him out, questions about why I'm doing stuff and being wowed with stuff I can't afford like new phones and computer games. etc

you lost me

Janieread · 09/12/2022 16:33

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 15:41

My teen years? They were pretty uninteresting and normal id say. I went to school did my homework hung out with friends went to the pub. I wasn't too old fir the wooden spoon if I misbehaved. I wouldnt have been allowed out if I left my room in the state they leave theirs in though. My parents were alot stricter that I am. I'm undecided if trying not to parent like my parents did has actually done me any favours really. All the trying to be understanding and supportive and facilitating of dd1s social life etc and the huge sacrifices I made to try and be around for them as much as possible appears to have gone unnoticed and unappreciated and if anything thrown back in my face. But on we go...

We get on ok. I mean we are completely different as people . We did have a period of not speaking in my 20s but fir the sake of the kids I forgave and forgot so ti speak.

Your posts are really sad.

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 16:45

I agree

pointythings · 09/12/2022 16:48

@Whatwouldscullydo so your parents hit you? With implements? That's called abuse. No wonder you have trouble relating to a normal teen. You and your DD may need family therapy to find a normal that works for you and it mutually respectful.

watermelonseeds · 09/12/2022 16:52

She had no sense of ownership over it because you did it for her. If she had bought and wrapped them herself, she would have had the opportunity to take pride in it and therefore been less inclined to forget. I can sort of see why you got involved in the charity one, but I'm amazed you got involved in Secret Santa. Show a bit of confidence in her, and let her learn the hard way instead of martyring yourself and seething. She won't have much to look back on if you do everything for her.

Janieread · 09/12/2022 16:54

She probably just didn't care much about either of them. So what? Take the gift to a shelter or toy donation place if you are that bothered, then give her an allowance and get her to buy anything like this in future so you can step away.

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/12/2022 16:59

We did used to have a really good relationship. I've always tried to spending with them and take them places. Then I became an emotional punch bag for all their upset and anger over their dad no longer living here , which I have obviously tried to support them through, but now dd1 has decided she doesn't have to listen to me. Tried to play me and her dad off against eachother and despite everything she said about her dad he bought her a mobile phone and throws the odd few quid at her ( his entire stance on parenting for the 16 years prior. Throw money at it) and now hes the best thing ever. The kids are always asking me questions about what I'm.doing and why and who for. He constantly undermines me because my rules don't apply at his house and despite it being his actions that lead to the break up the kids seem to think its all my fault. The fact he barely contacted them.at all for weeks when he was ill in hospital seems to have been forgotten even though it was me who listened to them amd comforted ten.when they got upset about it. Typical Disney dad shit I guess