To feel angry and disappointed in my teen in equal measure

[harrassedmumto3]

Today was the last day for a Christmas present appeal (for homeless children) at her school. I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.
She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?
I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.
Sorry folks, I've written this in the moment where I found the gifts in her room, and am still feeling fucking annoyed.
AIBU?

OP, if your dd feels even a bit bad once she realises that everybody else (or most of them) have remembered, it may be a good lesson for her. If she says anything later, I’d just shrug and say, ‘Well, make a note on your phone next time.’

TBH I would have reminded her, but that’s because I had a mother who never remembered any such things for me even when I was much younger than your dd, so I was always the one tut-tutted at by teachers (‘Might have known!’ etc.) because I’d forgotten whatever it was.

Which didn’t particularly strike me as unfair at the time, since it hadn’t occurred to me that it would almost invariably be the mothers who remembered such things. So I didn’t want my dds to be like me!

I would be really frustrated too, but I’d confine myself to ‘ahh now some poor child won’t have a Christmas present this year. That must be really disappointing’ or similar. Leave it there to stew!

My primary school kids forgot to take their charity presents out of their school bags 😒.

This would annoy me too, OP, but it's pretty typical teenage behaviour.
As a teacher, I bet it's NOT the actual last day of the appeal..

Mission Christmas collect up until the 19th of December. My local Sainsbury's has a drop off point.
static.cashforkids.org.uk/faq/mission/?brand=the+South

I would be annoyed but there will be other places to donate it as op said.

She's not invested in it because you bought the gift. Our 4 DC have had to buy a gift with their own money for a similar local appeal since they started getting pocket money about 8 years old.
My 21 year old messaged me last week to check where he could drop off the gifts this year

harrassedmumto3 · Today 09:15
Thanks everyone. I do understand your points, really I do, but I find it hard to accept this incredibly low bar that she sets for herself in her treatment of others.
Funnily enough, she didn't forget her packed lunch from the fridge, cos you know, eating actually benefits her“

She presumably takes her lunch from the fridge every day, it’s a habit. The gifts are a one off. She forgot, give her a break.

I’d do this with her, or by herself, not sure on age. Secret Santa take on Monday

She’ll remember giving better than being castigated and learn from that instead

I would have left it by the front door/put it in their bag myself so it couldn't be forgotten.

By the way, my DH often forgets his packed lunch, even though he makes it for himself. Everyone forgets things. It's funny how we constantly make allowances for adults forgetting things, but kids are meant to somehow be better.

How many times were you told that you'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on, OP. Either you were the perfect child, or you've forgotten what it is to be young.

It is annoying when you've made the effort on their behalf. But then I'd return to my first point - make it so they don't!

A packed lunch is part of her daily routine, and it's unlikely that she'll forget it. The gifts were a one off thing - something extra, which a lot of people struggle to remember.
It's not a big deal at all, and doesn't make her selfish, just a bit disorganized. Teenagers are.

YABU. Massive overreaction.

But lunch box from fridge is part of her normal routine.

the remember gift isn’t

was this something SHE wanted to do? Or was it you driving this?

email the school and let them know it’ll be there on Monday. Your teen definitely won’t be the only one to forget

i get the frustration, but you’re coming across as way too harsh and critical of her. What else is going on?

I feel the same way about mine tbh. She hit 16 and decided she could do what she wants when she wants. Accuses me of nagging her when all I have done is ask her to wash her stuff up as opposed to leaving stuff for me to wash up late at night after work when she's already been fed at her dads anyway. Put her washing away . ( she's been.sleeping with.it on her bed for months) and to not eat in her room. ( I've jusy cleared a bin bag of rubbish mostly wrapped crisp packets pretzels etc off the bedroom floor a-fucking- gain.

And now she announces she's stopping at her dads for a bit. The same dad she's spent many a night crying he doesn't appear to care or be Interested in her and that he favours her sister.the same dad she allegedly didbt feel safe around hence why I asked him.to leave as soon as she told me 2 years ago.

If I could tell her to her fave she was a selfish entitled brat without it being the one thing I say she deems worthy of retaining I would.

But I cant and I.wont obviously

Jeeze, you sound hard work.

I would be annoyed too. She could have put them in her bag or beside her bag the night before. You went to the trouble to buy these gifts.

My dd would do this (this morning she forgot her hat!) But would probably phone me and ask me to drop it off at school for her. There's a strong chance I would also totally forget to take it in. There's a lot going on and lots to remember.

She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?

Yes, it's just you. What an absolute over reaction, to nothing.

I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.

I mean, she forgot something. There doesn't need to be a 'later' that involves her feeling she needs to be defensive. Can you not just leave it?

@litlealligator

you could also apply the ‘be kind’ mantra to op’s dd who couldn’t be bothered to take in a gift for a child less fortunate.

why is the bar set so low for teens these days?!

She wont start learning to be anything else but selfish until you stop doing her unselfishness for her. Once she has made some effort to get the present then maybe you can make suggestions like "leave it by the front door so you wont forget".

I find it hard to accept this incredibly low bar that she sets for herself in her treatment of others.

Well, the bar will rise when she's embarrassed or her friends call her out on it, which sooner or later they will! And your job will be to not say "I told you so".

Well, teens are all about themselves. It's part of forming our identity as adults. She will evolve and she will learn from you how to be a nice human (I'm sure she already is one!).
Can you drop the gift off yourself so that the recipient doesn't miss out on your generosity? At the end of the day, that's the purpose here.
And talk to her about this. Don't preach or criticise (because we don't respond well to either approach, most people). Just tell her, hey, you took your lunch (that's good. You need to eat) but you didn't prioritise the gift.
And then you can turn it into a life lesson (rather than a tedious lecture).

She just sounds like a typical teen to me.

If I was you (which I am not so you can totally ignore this) I think I would think about why this was pissing me off so much. You are stressing about it because you feel what? This has upset you because of what? Are you worrying how she will turn out in general? Is that because you see her as an extension of yourself? Or you want the best for her? Or you are scared about the loss of control you have from small dc to adult dc? (No idea here, just putting what I feel about my teens as my experience).

I have seen in my work that people are often stressed or anxious or scared of something and they project it onto their kid. I always wish I could say to them, play the long game and think about how this current feeling you are having impacts on your relationship with your 25 year old and your 35 year old DC. Strong reactions like this are usually about you and not actually the child IME.

I don't know how many times I've put something by the door for ME to take somewhere and have walked right past it. I've even walked OVER it. And I'm a (relatively) fully functioning adult.
So nope your teen is being a typical teen and really it's annoying but not worth the energy.

There are thousands and thousands of children and young people homeless at the moment living in temporary accommodation such as hotels, B&Bs etc.. do you not watch the news or keep up with the state of this country at the moment?

Very typical teenage brain , but I would play it as others have said, thats a shame some child wont have a gift to open do you think it was going to a child fleeing war or abuse? oh well such a shame ..and leave it there, yes passive aggressive but might get her thinking more about others.

The thing is, there’s forgetting and forgetting. Forgetting things that only affect you is one thing, but forgetting things that other people are relying on you for is another and can and will be taken by some as indicative of not caring. She needs to learn that lesson.