To feel angry and disappointed in my teen in equal measure

[harrassedmumto3]

Today was the last day for a Christmas present appeal (for homeless children) at her school. I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.
She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?
I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.
Sorry folks, I've written this in the moment where I found the gifts in her room, and am still feeling fucking annoyed.
AIBU?

I don't think that many people would buy their 18 year old's class secret santa gift contribution so probably at the lower end of teenage e.g.13 years.

She's 16.

But OP didn't have to help her out and it's not clear if her DD wanted this "help". Donating to the appeal presumably isn't compulsory, and having your mum buy your gift for you to just to take in, doesn't really teach the teen anything about charity/thinking of others.

If OP's DD had actually bought (or not) the things herself she might be a bit more invested in the process.

If DD didn't get a secret Santa gift then she could have coped with the consequences at school. Most likely just to have to bring the gift in next week!

<what schools do a mandatory class secret Santa with teens anyway? Awful idea!>

She forgot. She probably remembered her lunch because it’s an everyday thing, part of her routine.

I will say with my kids it’s useless leaving things till the last day. I’d have ensured the present was taken in advance rather than the last day of the drive. But yeah, she forgot something. It happens - I forget things too!

Then for goodness sake stop doing this stuff for her. She can perfectly well do it for herself, and if she chooses not to, then that's up to her and nothing to do with you.

It’s difficult - is she like this all the time or only sometimes?

I don’t think we do teens any favours by writing selfish behaviour off as ‘oh it’s just teens they can’t help it’.

I know plenty of teens who volunteer, fund raise, help care for younger siblings or elderly relatives etc. Not all teens are selfish all the time.
i know plenty of teens who are organised too.

I also know a fair few twenty somethings who didn’t magically grow out of selfish behaviour. They don’t just get to 18 and magically mutate like Kevin (Harry Enfield).

Its reasonable to expect teens to think of others sometimes. If they have time to spend hours on TikTok they can spend half an hour thinking about buying a present.

16, in the middle of her mock exams, 16?

I would tell my kids oh well. To be honest I would have complained about a whole class secret Santa long before though, because I know there will be a kid (because I used to be that kid) who will skip school that day or that week because they can’t afford to buy gifts for classmates. So I would already have discussed it with my kids and said ‘look, not everyone can afford a gift and we don’t know people’s circumstances, so if you don’t get one then don’t bother about it, you’ll get plenty at home.’

Of course in op’s child’s case the gift was just forgotten, but there will certainly not be just one child who doesn’t get one.

I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning.

Surely it was HER responsibility to source, buy and wrap the present, @harrassedmumto3?

As it stands, you've done all the work and there's been no investment from her (which makes it all the easier to forget). If she'd had to spend her time and money on this gift, maybe she'd have been less liable to forget?

She could even be 16, doing A Levels, 16.

(have a 16 year old DD. She would have left the gifts at home in protest at being babied).

I am a lot older than a teeanger and forget things like this, I think you to step back

If this is the worst a teenager does then I don't see the issue

Not necessarily, secret Santa's are sometimes for a specific person.

You’re laying into a kid and calling her selfish. That is unkind.
she’s not an awful person.
school, social stuff, life. All a lot.
the teenage brain is way more vulnerable to stress
and her prefrontal cortex is probably about ten years away from maturity (age 23-28 usually)
this but of the brain organises thoughts, helps with knowing that more complex actions lead to consequences and impulse control - younger children use a different bit of their middle brain for these skills up to this point called the amygdala which is highly emotional and is also responsible for the flight flight freeze reaction which is why she is huffy and defensive and emotional when you raise this.

she probably remembers lunch because she’s been having lunch every day for her entire life not because it’s self serving to eat it fgs

teenagers can’t do and think the way we do. They’re very much adult shaped but still closer to child brained.

your kid is normal. They’re not a monster. But it’s hard when we draw parallels with ourselves

You mean this shit gets worse? My GCSE 16yo set off for school in his brother's, two sizes too small shoes the other day while reading notes for the next exam and I had to chase him down in the car. I had hoped we had hit peak distraction at that point. 😁🙄

Something I haven't seen mentioned is that teens tend to be night owls, and often not particularly functional in the morning. At 16, I considered it a good day if I'd managed to remember to put my tie on before leaving the house.

"Funnily enough, she didn't forget her packed lunch from the fridge, cos you know, eating actually benefits her!"

More likely, she remembered it because she gets it from the fridge most days, whereas remembering to take a gift is not part of the routine.

I doubt she is suffering from terminal selfishness; I sometimes forget to do things like this too, especially on busy mornings when I have other things to remember. It happens.

And this issue aside

what is your relationship like with her?

I feel your pain @harrassedmumto3 and have every sympathy.

If your home life and teenager is anything like the situation here what has happened today won't be in isolation which is why it grates so much. Over years of teenage 'issues' you just get worn down (I also have 3 children). I would feel the same and on the bad days I really question whether I should have ever had children because it is non-stop hard work and worry.

The only sensible thing you can do is as others have suggested. Have a tea/coffee, sit down and try and be rational about it. It's a small issue in the grand scheme of things......and look forward to the point when she leaves home, it's the only thing that keeps me going some days 😁

Am I the only one wondering who makes the packed lunch?

Hi there op.
One of my teens did exactly the same thing.
I was disappointed too so understand where you are coming .
She took it in the next day and it was fine as the school, knowing what teens are like, had allowed a couple of days for stragglers!

I get why you’re annoyed
And maybe she genuinely forgot
But in my experience (and I have a LOT of experience working with teenagers)
it’s more likely she hasn’t done it because it wouldn’t be the ‘cool’ thing to do. If all of her friends have said they aren’t going to bother with secret Santa or don’t care about the appeal she isn’t going to go against the majority and risk being made fun of for it.

it doesn’t mean your DD is selfish or doesn’t care about homeless people. Teens often have several personalities depending on who they are with

i work with a teen who was given an opportunity to go to a Xmas panto, it was optional
but he said he’d like to go. So off we went, and when he was surrounded by all of the other teens (who incidentally had chosen to go)
he was very much ‘im too old for this, this is stupid, I could be at home right now, when is the interval I’m going outside to vape’

BUT, as the actors moved from the stage to the back of the theatre for certain scenes,
his head flew round to watch them
until he thought anyone was looking.

I don’t know your DD
You do
So only you can really say whether she forgot, doesn’t care etc

By all means be disappointed and talk to her about it. and shout why you would’ve liked her to take part

But you’ll likely find she tells you she genuinely forgot and did want to take part, even tho that’s likely not what she told her mates.

*about not shout! Please don’t shout

The ability to be forgetful and selfish etc is a luxury most of us never had. We had to get our shit together as teens. Be reliable and sensible. There was certainly no bailing out of any kind. Forget something and no one was bringing it up for you. Sick? Get yourself home on the bus. Need something ? Go to shop and get it. Amazon prime wasn't a thing.

They have it so much easier in that sense. U didn't get daily reminders on a homework app or a mate texting to remind u to bring in pe kit.

Alot of the stress teens have now tbh is entirely self inflicted. They won't waste time going to a library or researching something for homework. Then of course when Google returns multiple conflicting search results its a panic because they don't know what one to choose. Asking a teacher last week was too much of their own time wasted🙄

If only as much time was spent doing stuff in a timely manner so there was no last minute homework or equipment rush ,as there is on coming up with multiple reasons they can't or won't do the simple task thats in front of them, the better off wed all be.

As a one off yabu but I guess this is the tip of the iceberg

Yes, i would be a bit annoyed and disappointed about this too. When you say she doesn't care, do you mean she is indifferent to the plight of other kids?

Yes, teenagers are self absorbed and scatty, but tjat doesn't make it ok in all situations.

I have a 12 yr old and i would be irritated and disappointed.

Am sure she can still donate it, she will just have to track down the relevant person at school and she absolutely should.