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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry and disappointed in my teen in equal measure

221 replies

harrassedmumto3 · 09/12/2022 08:55

Today was the last day for a Christmas present appeal (for homeless children) at her school. I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.
She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?
I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.
Sorry folks, I've written this in the moment where I found the gifts in her room, and am still feeling fucking annoyed.
AIBU?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2022 10:42

Be interested to know if all you saying she is a teen would be so forgiving if your DC was the only one in the class who didn't receive a secret santa.

shinynewapple22 · 09/12/2022 10:43

I am very much an adult and still forget things sometimes if I'm in a rush .

Could your annoyance be more about the fact that you put time and money into getting these items for your DD to take into school?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 09/12/2022 10:43

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/12/2022 10:40

@Ilovemybed2022

would you really forget a gift for someone less fortunate for yourself?? Would you not feel about this?

Show quote history

I would. I have a weird thing with forgetting stuff. As an adult I have learnt to work around it by doing things like packi my bags night before or leaving items I need to remember by the door.

No I’ll intent on my part. I’m just get flustered and am prone to being a headless chicken while getting ready to leave, especailly if I’m running late or have a lot on.

saraclara · 09/12/2022 10:43

would you really forget a gift for someone less fortunate for yourself??

I'm not the person you tagged, but yes, I'm equally likely to forget stuff that's important to me, important to someone else, or not important at all.

My memory is shit, and I was born wired that way. And I hate being judged as selfish for it. I do my best, I try to build in strategies, but there's something that stops me processing tasks in a way that my brain retains them.

sheepdogdelight · 09/12/2022 10:43

Why are you organising these things for a teenager?
She sorts them herself, or she doesn't, but you are far too invested in this! Step away and let her take responsibility for herself.

glamourousindierockandroll · 09/12/2022 10:43

I forget things like this all the time if it's not part of my normal routine. I have to make a concerted effort to put things in my car or literaly in front of the front door the night before so that I don't forget them. I am generally an organised person but mornings aren't my best time.

I think you are being a bit harsh to suggest that it shows selfishness as opposed to disorganisation.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/12/2022 10:44

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2022 10:42

Be interested to know if all you saying she is a teen would be so forgiving if your DC was the only one in the class who didn't receive a secret santa.

Yes. Of course. Shit happens.

Goldenbear · 09/12/2022 10:45

Don't do the passive aggressive guilt trip idea, my Dad did that to me all the time, 'why you watching this American rubbish when people in Iraq are being bombed', I just tuned out in the end and it increased my diary entries on how my Dad didn't understand me so ironically he contributed to the self centredness!

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 09/12/2022 10:46

How old is she?

Is there a reason she could not buy/choose her own secret Santa gift?

We all forget stuff. I am currently in the office without my wallet, annoying (can't buy lunch) but oh know, this sort of stuff happens

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 10:48

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2022 10:42

Be interested to know if all you saying she is a teen would be so forgiving if your DC was the only one in the class who didn't receive a secret santa.

how peculiar.
These are teens
Disappointing but don’t stew on it (not that mine ever in a month of Sundays would!) because let’s face it… secret Santa gifts are shite and not long before… end of term and Christmas proper begins…. Woo hoo!!! 😂

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/12/2022 10:49

Tablepaper · 09/12/2022 09:24

Would she have forgotten the things on purpose because she was embarrassed/cared about what others would say about the gifts?

I wondered this.

Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with the gifts, but perhaps she is just self-conscious about taking anything in at all - some teens are.

But you know your child better than we do OP and are possibly seeing a pattern of behaviour here that isn't very nice.

Dittosaw · 09/12/2022 10:50

Have you never forgotten anything? It’s a shame but just one of those things

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2022 10:52

harrassedmumto3 · 09/12/2022 09:15

Thanks everyone. I do understand your points, really I do, but I find it hard to accept this incredibly low bar that she sets for herself in her treatment of others.
Funnily enough, she didn't forget her packed lunch from the fridge, cos you know, eating actually benefits her!

Picking up her packed lunch is also something she does every day - it becomes part of the morning autopilot.

You can ask her what she plans to do to make up for disappointing two people - the recipients of both gifts. Maybe she can take them in tomorrow. You can suggest that she puts a note on her door each day for any non standard items to remember.

Teens do this - they grow out of it. Pointing out that they have disappointed/let someone else down coupled with suggestions for how to remember next time are more effective usually than telling off or making a huge issue of it.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/12/2022 10:57

Funnily enough, she didn't forget her packed lunch from the fridge, cos you know, eating actually benefits her!

You seem absolutely determined to draw her in the worst light. It seems so relatable to everyone else that things which are done daily happen on autopilot but you have convinced yourself that this is further evidence that she is a self-serving girl who isn't kind, like you are.

What are you trying to achieve here?

lieselotte · 09/12/2022 10:57

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/12/2022 10:42

Be interested to know if all you saying she is a teen would be so forgiving if your DC was the only one in the class who didn't receive a secret santa.

I suppose the one who forgot would be the one who'd go home without a present. Not another student in the class.

liarliarshortsonfire · 09/12/2022 10:58

It seems normal teen behaviour tbh, all selfish and don't see anything outside their own worlds most if the time. All we can do as parents is to keep pushing selflessness and they usually come out the other end as normal thoughtful humans

darjeelingrose · 09/12/2022 11:03

You teen has been rubbish. They aren't all like this, mine aren't, and wouldn't forget something like this, they are a bit rubbish in other ways though, I've personally just stepped over a rather large floordrobe to open my child's curtains, nobody's perfect, but I get why you are pissed off over this, it seems inconsiderate, both of you and others. I get those saying pick your battles, personally I think this is something to be annoyed about.

sheepdogdelight · 09/12/2022 11:03

lieselotte · 09/12/2022 10:57

I suppose the one who forgot would be the one who'd go home without a present. Not another student in the class.

Show quote history

Highly unlikely that only only one person will have forgotten a gift. They'll just bring them in on Monday.
Or, if it's a class organised thing, the teacher just won't give out the gifts until they've all arrived.

CrackingcheeseWallace · 09/12/2022 11:08

I'd feel same as you OP.

It's the fact that YOU have had to ensure the secret santa present was bought/wrapped. It's YOU who had to ensure the charity present was bought. Just yet more things to add to the ever growing list of things that parents have to do.

You've helped her out twice and made sure both presents were there, ready for her to take and she 'forgot' to take them. Whilst, yes it is easily done/typical teenager kind of behaviour, it would still piss me off and it would seem uncaring of her to not stop and think for 2 seconds that not everyone is as fortunate as her.

Had you not got either present for her on time, no doubt she'd have said something to you about not having anything to take in with her! You can't win! 😆

FourTeaFallOut · 09/12/2022 11:08

No wonder teens run so anxious when parents are so eager to chalk up the smallest mistakes to some grand personality failing.

MarshaBradyo · 09/12/2022 11:10

FourTeaFallOut · 09/12/2022 10:57

Funnily enough, she didn't forget her packed lunch from the fridge, cos you know, eating actually benefits her!

You seem absolutely determined to draw her in the worst light. It seems so relatable to everyone else that things which are done daily happen on autopilot but you have convinced yourself that this is further evidence that she is a self-serving girl who isn't kind, like you are.

What are you trying to achieve here?

I agree I don’t get the desire to run someone down like this. I forget stuff, other adults I know do too - including charity things

lookersnoopy · 09/12/2022 11:13

FourTeaFallOut · 09/12/2022 11:08

No wonder teens run so anxious when parents are so eager to chalk up the smallest mistakes to some grand personality failing.

This. And OP has indicated she is going to raise this later. OP is already anticipating defensiveness from her DD. No wonder. Imagine spewing such garbage over a forgotten item.

Way to raise a teen with anxiety, one that can't talk to you either.

NeuroticAgain · 09/12/2022 11:13

orangegato · 09/12/2022 09:13

I was like this as a teenager, worse. I deeply regret it now and I’m horrified at how much I didn’t appreciate. She’ll grow out of it!

This. Tbh I think we’ve all been selfish teenagers and we are all learning out of it.

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 11:14

I can’t believe the OP doesn’t specific age.

There is a world of difference between a 14 year old and an 18th year old

user1471538283 · 09/12/2022 11:17

It is a teenage thing - although sometimes that just lasts and lasts!

As long as she is working her hardest at school and has decent friends she will be ok.