To feel angry and disappointed in my teen in equal measure

[harrassedmumto3]

Today was the last day for a Christmas present appeal (for homeless children) at her school. I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.
She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?
I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.
Sorry folks, I've written this in the moment where I found the gifts in her room, and am still feeling fucking annoyed.
AIBU?

It's a frustrating old thing being a parent of a teen.

This sort of thing annoys me too! If I remind, remind, remind I get accused of nagging but if I don't, they forget. Its normal teenage behaviour. I live in hope that they grow out of it but I note that many adults are just as flaky.

I’d be annoyed too. But anything essential like this I tend to put I front of the front door the night before so you’d literally have to trip over it leaving the house without it. I get that’s not the point though: you’d rather she just remembered

Would she have forgotten the things on purpose because she was embarrassed/cared about what others would say about the gifts?

People really set a low bar for teens maybe that's why they are like that because they don't have anyone to answer for. I would have a word when she gets home obviously not overreact but I would say I was disappointed she forgot (after I'm sure you reminded her) Teens even if they are forgetful need reminding not to be selfish. I'm with you Op (my parents would of not of been impressed with me and would of told me so) Yes I would of thought them as complete nags but equally deep down I would I knew they where right and I wouldn't of done it again and a few years down the line I would of grown out of my unappreciative attitude of my parents.

This really doesn’t sound like a big deal. It’s the kind of thing I’d forget. Wouldn’t everyone prioritise getting their packed lunch out of the fridge?

No, definitely not. She doesn't know her Secret Santa that well, so I had got some generic - but really nice! - Christmassy sweets.
I just hate the thought that she is letting others down on this.
And yes, she was reminded.

But her packed lunch is part of a regular daily routine which is why it's easier to remember - can you genuinely not see the difference?

I forget stuff all of the time. Bloody constantly (I'm autistic with ADHD). But I'm also incredibly considerate and caring and go out of my way to help anyone in any way I can, and I love buying people gifts. I'm just utterly shit at remembering to do the last bit.

I'm not suggesting your DD is autistic/ADHD etc - but what I'm saying is that forgetting stuff isn't deliberate, and it's annoying when you struggle to remember to do things you know you were supposed to do.

And in the gentlest possible way, if you approach her with an air of annoyance then of course she'll be defensive. It's a vicious cycle that doesn't solve anything.

Can you drop them into school office? I'm sure the embarrassment of finding out her Mum has actually been into school will help make sure she doesn’t forget again.

My son was the same, never took any of the gifts in to school for various appeals!

They don't stay selfish forever, it's just how their brains are wired at the moment. They do grow out of it become human again. It's just a phase.

Can you take the gift to school?

No, because I have to work!

I'd probably just take them in for her and drop them off at school. Agree not ideal, but as an adult, I regularly forget stuff like this. I can even walk round with it in my bag and not take it out. It happens.

If you're always this dramatic God help you and your teen if any real issues arise 😬

Teenagers are selfish. It's a developmental stage they go through.

Christ alive you sound like hard work -

She’s a teenager / everyone forgets stuff

Of course it’s irritating and low level hurtful since you went to the trouble of getting them, but this is a huge overreaction

Teens are wired to separate themselves from their families and focus on their peer group, plus their brains are scrambled. i presume you aren’t enjoying teen parenting. It will pass.

OTT. Have you never forgot something? It doesn't mean she's not kind and doesn't think of others.

You can speak with her about your disappointment/annoyance of course but please, please take on board what PPs are saying about teenage brains - you are making an unfair value judgment. This is a developmental phase and not the personality/characteristics your child will end up with. It feels like your resentment could really start to affect the relationship you have.

The science:
www.newscientist.com/article/dn10030-why-adolescents-put-themselves-first/

I can understand the frustration, especially as presumably the child who doesn’t get the secret Santa gift may be the only one in the class (although unlikely). Hopefully the gifts can be taken in and sorted out on Monday

I get why you're annoyed, OP, it is selfish and inconsiderate.

Any way you could drop off the donation (but not secret santa) gift to the school? She can forget secret santa and hopefully that will teach her something.

And tbh, you constantly need to re-evaluate your relationship and how you treat teenagers. And because I am apparently mean and petty, in your shoes i'd blithely not do something for her she was relying on and just shrug and say "oh shit happens"

I don't you can choose what you forget, you just forget stuff, sometimes important things, sometimes insignificant things.

She is just like any other teenager. My teenager often forgot his laptop going to school, which only had a negative impact on him, didn't mean he intentionally forgot.

Oh, don't be daft! Sometimes it's the small things that tip us over the edge, whereas with the bigger things we're absolutely fine

Don't ruin her christmas over this....she wont forget it if you do, she will think you have more compassion for strangers than her.

Teenagers can be forgetful, no need to crucify her.

Don’t make it a stanch position you are kind and she not.

She just forgot something, we all do it. And remembering this kind of thing escapes adults too (charity gifts for school etc).

No need to castigate her later so she’s defensive imo

By then your annoyance may have calmed anyway

She is a teen, if she had wanted to remember the gifts she would have, but it sounds as though you are more invested in them than she is! Let her buy her own gifts in future, especially for secret Santa, teens are only interested in things that are important to them, if she spends her own money then you will know it means something.