To feel angry and disappointed in my teen in equal measure

[harrassedmumto3]

Today was the last day for a Christmas present appeal (for homeless children) at her school. I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.
She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?
I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.
Sorry folks, I've written this in the moment where I found the gifts in her room, and am still feeling fucking annoyed.
AIBU?

Those are very interesting points and I mostly agree @Whatwouldscullydo but I'm not sure why you've posted them to me 😁

I understand your frustration OP. It’s selfish and I’d be expressing my disappointment to her later.

Ok, not cool and she deserves a telling off.
But looks like you've done this task for her so she had little involvement and therefore, no memory.

Maybe better to leave important things at the front door so they don't get missed. Or just remind your teenager. I work with teens. They are all like this. And very lovely too! Not selfish or inconsiderate. They just haven't learned to plan and don't carry a mental load around like most mums (lucky them!)

YABU. Some people are forgetful and absentminded, probably more so as teens, and at that age might not have found strategies to mitigate it.

I was academically excellent but absentminded and forgetful as a kid and teen, and quite slow completing work (although scored top marks in tests under time pressure).

I would just not hear things in class as my mind would drift without me noticing but it wasn’t a decision to not listen or a reflection of not caring about other people.

I remember one of my parents spitting frequently that I was inconsiderate and selfish and finding it really bewildering and hurtful as a young person that they attributed these horrible, low-key aggressive personal qualities to me over forgetting something or other, when there was no malice or disrespect whatsoever intended. There was no ‘ah fuck it, I don’t care’ attitude at all, I just seemed to struggle to keep things in mind.

It’s frustrating that she forgot but you’re making it personal when it’s not.

Ha ha sorry it was meant for a post a couple up from yours. Mn has been jumpy and misaligned fir me lately im always clicking in the wrong thing because the threads/posts jump

My DD (16) can be like this…

she is a bit of scatty head anyway but also can be a bit me me me and then when pulled up on it redirects the blame. She is however funny, kind, creative and lots of other lovely things so I’m not too worried

I always think children reaching the maturity level where they begin to look inwards, critique and reflect on their thoughts and actions and their empathy grows is a really pinnacle point especially in teenagers, it’s just like everything else they all develop at different times!

LOL, no problem, I was just confused 😊

Sounds like a typical teenager to me… late/only think of themselves.. it will pass as others have said! It’s like the final part of ‘growing up’. Someone once said to me it takes until about 25 to ‘get over yourself’ which I thought was funny but quite profound! can you take the bits to the school. Lovely gesture to help others xo

Teens may be self-centred but we shouldn't be lowering the bar like this and just accepting that it's okay and there are never consequences -how are young people ever going to learn responsibility if we just shrug it off as teenage brains. You can get married in Scotland at 16 -

There are consequences to forgetting things though e.g. she probably won't be popular for forgetting the secret santa present. The children will make her feel bad for that.

Teens may be self-centred but we shouldn't be lowering the bar like this and just accepting that it's okay and there are never consequences -how are young people ever going to learn responsibility if we just shrug it off as teenage brains.

Yes but there can be a middle way between being judgmental and harsh, and "just accepting it". You can say it's not really OK to forget X Y or Z, what's the best way of helping you remember, etc. Like a PP I put things by the door to help me remember them – you can help a teen to learn strategies, make it clear when they need to apologise etc - and let them learn through the natural consequences too.

Adult brains forget charity related items too. Just look at any school event where something is needed. Reminders on WhatsApp pick up some but not all.

People forgot things, more likely if not daily activity. Even then they forget.

If op wants her dd to pick up on something encourage her to take ownership, donate together, or even remind her. All those better than having a go later on.

I've forgot things all the time in spite of having them ready to take with me on the side or whatever. If I have a suitcase with me on the train I have to set a reminder on my phone "don't forget your bag" five minutes before I get off. I think she was in a rush, rather than thoughtless.

I forgot stuff all the time at that age,.Still do, I have to put tons of reminders on my phone to buy a card for someone at work, to bring in cakes to work on my birthday as that is what is expected. We didn't have it as easy in the mid to late 90s I was that age but my Mum did help me unlike a previous poster, yes, school wise and uni big consequences like failing a whole module if essays submitted late but sometimes for me that still happened. I am a kind person (well try to be ) 3 weeks in a row charity fundraisers have come to my door now and everyone I've pledged the £15 a month. I'm actually not great at saying no in these scenarios but I think it's the right thing to do. However, I didn't bring in a Christmas box to work last year as I forgot, I'm hoping £45 a month to various charities so far cancels my unkind forgetfulness out.

They exist. They're at shelters, DV units, in hotels etc

Selfishness is part of the brain development of teens OP. We were all there once - the world revolves around you and your mates and your small world is filled with drama.

It's part of forming individual identity separate from the family.

this with bells on

always surprised how many mumsnetters seem to think that teens should be, essentially mini fully functioning adults.

Quite simply, on every level, they are not. And whist they are often huge pain in the asses and drive me to distraction, they do deserve a fair amount of slack i will try to remember this this weekend!

I cringe at the memory of how selfish I was as a teenager on occasion. Also thoughtless

Fucking hell she forgot something one time she didn't commit genocide.

Also you donate shit if you want, its pretty shit to enforce making other people do stuff like that, even teenagers. Its a personal choice, it doesn't make you selfish for not donating to one cause one time.

Ah yes that old chestnut. "The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise...."

They also have to get a degree for a job which an 18yr used to do, they pay through the nose for that education, have little prospect of getting on the housing ladder without parental support, have been the first generation to have to navigate the shit show of social media bullying at school and have to deal with vastly more distractions than I did at school.

Every generation faces its unique challenges and advantages.

Someone like @Whatwouldscullydo my first question is

”do you have children?”

Oh good heavens… it’s the OP

bloody. Hell.

That is not an approach that is going to sit well with the teenage years and parental relations in any shape or fashion

Which I suppose is proven by the OP’s very posts