To feel angry and disappointed in my teen in equal measure

[harrassedmumto3]

Today was the last day for a Christmas present appeal (for homeless children) at her school. I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.
She forgot both because she was 'in a rush'.
It really is indicative of how she thinks of herself and is generally selfish and inconsiderate of others.
Is it just me?
I can imagine a defensive reaction later, and no responsibility taken.
Sorry folks, I've written this in the moment where I found the gifts in her room, and am still feeling fucking annoyed.
AIBU?

I hear you OP. I know my DD2 will emerge from teenhood a lovely, thoughtful and possibly even reasonably organised individual, but this phase is tough! I'm sometimes baffled at how self-centred my DD appears to be but then I remember they are still children, their brains are not fully developed, they are trying to navigate school with all its social and academic pressures. It's also nearly the end of term and my DD is exhausted which makes her (and me!) even more disorganised and stressy. If you haven't seen it already, I'm finding the teenage handhold thread quite helpful/reassuring/supportive!

She forgot and whilst that is annoying it is no indication that she is selfish or inconsiderate. I would have reminded my children to take it in the morning. Give to charity some other way and stop being over the top.

I get you OP, it would annoy me too. It the lack of thought and consideration of what this gift will mean to someone who has nothing.

I can relate OP. I'm constantly getting frustrated over my DD's forgetfulness, disorganisation and selfishness. But I think we do tend to judge teens more harshly than ourselves - I try to remind myself that I forget stuff too, I lose my phone or car keys, or fail to remember when something's happening, or procrastinate - and I've also realised that at the moment she's absolutely knackered from a hectic and stressful term. Let it gooooooo 🎵🙂

Bit dramatic OP. I forget things all the time, but as an adult, I’m glad no one makes a massive drama out of it

YABU.

I have issues with executive functioning (likely autistic) and I forget stuff like this all the time. I feel shitty about it afterwards. It’s not carelessness or selfishness and it doesn’t make me (or your daughter) a bad person.

Clicking on this I thought it would be something way more extreme based on the teens where I live. I was always forgetting things also with these school charity events it's hard to visualize the importance as a child/teen if you aren't seeing the present being handed to the homeless child in front of your eyes. I forgot something almost every day at school lol

I don't think you're being OTT, I think you vented in the moment and that's totally fine.

Teens are awful, I think I was like this! Deep breaths! 😂

Yeah I thought this would be to do with drugs or punching a fellow pupil.

The only reason I was super caring and considerate of others as a teenager was because my mother is narcissistic/bpd and I was terrified not to take her/others needs as the priority. I'd say your daughter is probably more normal for a teenager - and that's a credit to you.

Teens are inherently inwards focused really.

My first thought is that if this makes you angry and disappointed,then you must be
doing ok and so is your DD. Honestly I'd love for this level of stuff to be a big deal... But you feel how you feel.

So my first question is how much time have you spent during her life modelling generosity and kindness in front of her?

I would (calmly) point out the facts when you get home and ask her to problem solve with you what she can do with the stuff instead eg "the present and secret Santa are still in your room. The deadline to get them to school has passed. We now have these things with no home and your secret Santa has gone empty handed. We need some solutions on what else we can do with them and how we can make it right with your secret Santa"

I bought the present and left it in her room for her to take this morning. Same with the small gift for her class Secret Santa.

Why? If she'd chosen the present herself she'd have been a lot more invested in making sure it was delivered. Don't baby her or micromanage her and she'll learn quicker.

I don’t even think teens stand out as being bad just from this. I forget stuff often and get by on alarms and reminders

I wouldn’t want someone waiting to have a go later

We have a habit of reminding each other - keys, passports, whatever as it’s helpful

The lunch is part of her daily routine, so easy to remember. Some stuff on her bed that she doesn't usually take, is easily forgotten. I'd have put them by the door.

And yes, this has been me my entire life, and it's only getting worse with age. I'm not selfish - far from it. But my brain doesn't work like those who have a properly functioning memory.
I was the kid at school who constantly forgot to bring what I needed. No way would I deliberately do this. I hated being told off, yet it happened all the time.

As another poster has said, it seriously sucks when people think my absent mindedness means that I don't care. I absoutely do.
With age I've developed a few strategies (like the aformentioned leaving things by the door or hanging over the door handle, so I can't forget them), but it doesn't work in all cases, and of course I have to remember to put them there in the first place!

13?
or
18?

Jesus, there's really no need for any of this. The end of term is crazy busy, full of disrupted routines and end of term tests, then wear a jumper this day, bring in a gift this day, have a school trip this day, bring in a pound this day. It's like a bloody obstacle course. Of course a few balls get dropped along the way.

It does happen you know

But I suspect this will be the top of the iceberg in terms of “ongoing issues” re your teen and your relationship with her if this gets so in such a disappointed and angry twist

It the lack of thought and consideration of what this gift will mean to someone who has nothing.

It really isn't. It's pure absent mindedness. I equally forget things that are important to ME!

Well, I can understand the frustration in the moment and I think it's good that you have standards and expectations for your teen that you aren't willing to jettison. I'm sure you'll have calmed down by home time and can have a good conversation about raising that bar a bit - even just for those who are less fortunate at Christmas - later on!

I can understand why you’d be annoyed but I’d just let her carry on and take the consequences. If she really isn’t bothered at all, then no amount of nagging or moaning from you will make her care. If she forget them because of some other reasons (eg foggy morning Brain etc) then nagging and moaning won’t help either.

I’d just try to lead by example in how you act (I’m sure you do) and try to see her behaviour from some other perspectives in case there are other reasons for her behaviour.

I would say forgetting things and being a bit focused on self is a common teenage trait. Obviously there is a wider context too, but are you sure it’s not just normal teenage behaviour. We do keep learning and developing well into early adulthood.

That teens are quite self-centred is hardly bring news. I don't know how old you are but in my youth I loved watching Dawson's Creek, Party of Five as although I didn't know anyone at 17 who was as intense, the progmmes were relatable as the teenagers were mainly talking alot about themselves! Lots of dramas depict selfish teens for a reason. Also, your uncharitable thoughts of your daughter are not exactly kind. I gave a 15 year old DS so I get it and he forgets stuff and offers his friends all our snacks etc. But offering the snacks is kind if you think about plus he will hug me if I am crying (not frequently but banged my temple on a bed recently, nearly passed out), he will check his little sister is ok at secondary school as he i year 11 and she is year 7.

@Ilovemybed2022

would you really forget a gift for someone less fortunate for yourself?? Would you not feel about this?

Breaking news not bringing

@LuckySantangelo35

The thing about being forgetful is that you don't get to choose what you forget.