He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

*For nothing

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

*During the last two weeks, not wishing

[DancingDonkeys]

If you don't want to use paid childcare, could you both work part time, if your earning power is greater (+tax allowance etc.) that would improve your financial position, and your DH would get the time off he wants?

[Dittosaw]

Families support each other. Maybe he hasn’t expressed it the right way but he is struggling and wants help. At four years most parents are back at work. I don’t think expecting you to work is too unreasonable

[bumpytrumpy]

Honestly, I think he has a point. Staying at home with a 4 year old is a luxury most don't have. If you can't afford it (as a family), you need to go back to work and your DD needs to be in for her 30hrs.

Falling behind with bills while 1 parent shoulders all the financial burden is no walk in the park. Schools are crying out for staff, you could probably walk into a 2-3 day role.

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

@Dittosaw Yes and I can work, there is a way for me to work, but he doesn’t want to do that

[user1471457751]

It's not really fair for you to be criticising him for taking leave when you get several mornings each week to yourself. There is a reason everyone has a legal entitlement to leave.

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

@DancingDonkeys He doesn’t have the option for part time really, at present, he never has to work overtime or weekends etc

[Peashoots]

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

@Dittosaw Yes and I can work, there is a way for me to work, but he doesn’t want to do that

but you want to work entirely when it suits you at the expense of any free time for your partner. I think you’re being very unreasonable. What about part time teaching, or supply?

[MolesOnPoles]

If you’re falling behind on bills, you need a higher family income. And if your DH doesn’t want to be solely responsible for providing for the family, it’s not fair to refuse to share the burden.

YABU.

[user1471457751]

Could you not put your daughter in for 2 full days a week and look to get work around that - surely schools are crying out for teachers?

You guys are clearly struggling financially if you are late paying bills and have no money for yourselves.

[Cherry8809]

Super unfair.

He’s told you that he’s struggling, so you’re going to have to help alleviate some of that financial burden. Isn’t that the whole point of a partnership…?

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

@user1471457751 Dd is in three mornings per week, during that time I do all shopping and cleaning. I do every single thing in the house at present. I’ve also said if I did work, it wouldn’t be like that anymore, life would become harder and if she was ill etc, it wouldn’t be just me leaving work and it wouldn’t be just me cooking every dinner and doing all good shops and cleaning

[londonrach]

I think he has a point. She is four. Could you get a job that works around her childcare or school. Sounds like he struggling and worried re money. You need to sit down and discuss money

[Helpwithdaughterpls]

I don't understand why you can't work during the day?

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I don’t know where to start but he sounds ridiculous. He wants everything on a plate. How can you possibly work with 9.30-11.30 and make any money worth speaking of?

Does he not want to pay for childcare as a joint expense if you worked more standard hours?

Working evenings and weekends tutoring does sound sensible - why is it such a big deal for him to do some childcare? If it’s such a big deal, isn’t he grateful to you for doing it so that he can work?

[Keepitrealnomists]

Many women would love to be at home with their children but cant for financial reasons. You need to find a compromise and go back to work.

[OnlyFannys]

YABU, you are only looking at options that suit you really. I'd be pissed off in your partners position as well

[SnackSizeRaisin]

I agree with everyone else. Not fair for you to be not working at all. You need to contribute towards the household too. And it doesn't sound like you can really manage on just one wage. Presumably your daughter will be in full time school next year. Why not put her in 2 or 3 full days pre school now and find part time work.
Other option is that you work FT and your partner stays home, or both of you work PT.

[mummyh2016]

He's got a point. You can't afford to not work by the sounds of it.

[ScatteredMama82]

OP I understand that you don't want to be away from your daughter but try to see it from his perspective. While she is pre-school you get time to yourself, you could be working then. You say you have saved money for Christmas, but you're not earning anything so where did you save this money from? You want to work in the evening or at the weekend, meaning your DH is working FT and then doing childcare while you work too. When does he get any downtime? When do you have family time if you do that? Like others have said, teachers are in very short supply or you could even be a TA a few mornings a week. That wouldn't result in any less time with your daughter and would also be a foot in the door to increase your hours when she starts school.

[Mynoodlesareoodles]

I'd be really pissed off. Sounds like he thinks that all he needs to do is go to work and that he doesn't have any responsibility to you, DC or the house. He should be able to look after DC some evenings per week to allow you to work. I don't know any woman who works full time and does zero childcare

[balzamico]

I'm a stay at home mum and I dont think you're being reasonable, could you increase dd's hours and do a couple of mornings? If you can teach A level, you can tutor during the daytimes as students have free periods, also you could mark exam papers if you are a secondary teacher (sorry I missed iof you said whether you are).
Your attitude all seems to expect your DH to work harder when he is already the only breadwinner, I'm not surprised he feels resentful

[Dacadactyl]

I see both sides of this

I am with you OP in some ways. I firmly believe its in a child's best interests to be with one or other of his/her parents until they go to school. I don't blame you for wanting to be off.

However, it sounds like your husband isn't on the same page as you and this is definitely a problem.

You need to find a workable compromise. I think the compromise is that you do supply as and when. Is there anyone who would be able to look after DD on days you might work?