He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts use the 30 hours funded childcare and work as a part-time supply teacher. You could put her in nursery 8am-4pm three days a week whilst you work part-time. It’s not fair for your Dh to pay for everything.

Sorry, but this sounds like a standard thing in families where both parents work. It looks like you want everything your way, zero sacrifice for you and you want to pick at your husband and his job. If your daughter needs parental support and you can earn more - then why not swap? You work full time, your husband be at home etc and then he can pick up evening work for when you finish work?

I have 3 DCs, DH and I WFT and manage to make it work...why can't you?!

Essentially, yes.

Didn’t the OP very politely ask another poster for the details on the online tuition? She is not saying she doesn’t want to work.

She doesn’t want to go back to teaching in a school - why are posters saying that is exactly what she should do when she has other options?

Teaching at the moment seems a stressful job. It’s not family friendly. Teachers- can you do drop offs and pick ups? Then switch off when you get home and give your child some attention? Or is there lots of work once you get home? Plus meetings after school.

Many people change career post children. Only the OP can’t apparently.

Online teaching during these hours is actually possible if you looked into teaching ESL. 10-12 specifically is peak teaching hours in Asia. It could be a good option to bring a little extra money in whilst not sacrificing time with your child.

What has the OP actually done in the past 4 years to prepare herself for a career change?
And ESL for 4 hours a week would pay peanuts.

Not even only ESL. I am an English Language and Literature teacher and while freelancing I taught kids online who were enrolled in international schools all over the world.

No but I am a mum and I used to teach a child with ADHD in a school on a 1 to 1 basis. If your managing financially as a family then fair do, fact of the matter they are falling behind on bills. Also OP's child is older now, if they were an August baby, they would already be in school and having to manage her child being in a non-home setting 5 days a week. And yes, most parents have to do everything with children running around/ screaming in a supermarket with a trolley (was me 30 mins ago in Aldi).

Well I've been offered £20-30 an hour for teaching ESL which I don't personally think is peanuts.

I have no beef with SAHMs (I was one for 20 years), but I'd like to know who thinks your child has ADHD @Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts

I agree with all the others that you and your Dh aren't working as a team, not only could this lead to a breakdown in your marriage but this contempt and criticism on both sides will affect your dd, even if they don't understand exactly what's going on small children do notice stress and tension and this can lead to anxiety, tantrums etc etc. Something to keep in mind and even a greater reason to sit down together and discuss everything properly.

Exactly the same here.

You could do online tutoring for student's living in Asia during those times. There are plenty of kids learning in the British Curriculum who would have finished school and need a tutor at those times. Find expat groups on Facebook in Thailand/Vietnam/Singapore/Japan etc and advertise your services - there will be people looking. Open a Wise or Revolut account to accept payment.

Yes, this is what I have said too. But go through an agency like Spires instead. Payment is more secure and guaranteed for all parties then (e.g. via Stripe).

hrft however do apply for dla. You do not need a diagnosis to be awarded. Evidence from school/ nursery will help you.
Just been awarded for my child aged 14, was referred for autism back in 2020, still not diagnosed

She’s 4? Erm yes it’s time to go back to work albeit part time . Ffs he does work his arse off and I’m struggling to understand where you get the extra money from. Is this the after school and weekend work ? I’m so so sorry but he needs time with his daughter too so get your arse back to work . While I’m on a rant , can anyone explain why you can’t say son or daughter ? There is no word count ……

I’m so so sorry but he needs time with his daughter too so get your arse back to work . While I’m on a rant , can anyone explain why you can’t say son or daughter ? There is no word count ……
@Autumn61 - First of all, 'DD' is an absolutely normal and common abbreviation on Mumsnet, so why you're starting on the OP over this is beyond me 🙄

@Autumn61 - Secondly, she wants to get back to work but her DP doesn't think he 'needs time with his daughter' at all - he's leaving his daughter's mum to do everything and is unwilling to parent his own child to allow the other one to work. She's already said her daughter has additional needs and is struggling with just a few short sessions a week. So she's suggested to her partner that she could work in the evenings or weekends and he has refused to facilitate this by stepping up.

Schools are crying out for staff... where??? TAs are getting laid off everywhere and it's only getting worse. Schools are running are minimal staff before of shitty budgets amd soaring bills.

Oops ‘’Firstly” didn’t appear in your quote . I wasn’t “starting on OP”. I assumed that quite a few people read these posts and would be able to enlighten me without your barbed comment. Mention that later.

All I read in this post is, daughter is and has everything, toys, clothes, books , clubs and activities , in fact she has a “wonderful life “. How wonderful is your husbands life ? You are ‘ not bothered ‘that you have nothing left for yourselves , how does he feel? This marriage is a partnership between husband and wife not mother and daughter. How much money can you possibly make from babysitting from an adult perspective? Reading between the lines this may be your first and last child and I can 100% understand why you want to spend all your time with her , but you can’t.You also said she was ‘ waiting on an assessment’, so no diagnosis. There is someone else in this equation who obviously feels left out. You need to let go, albeit incrementally.

Re comment from upsydaisyarmpit .Normal and common doesn’t make it right. In fact all the feckin, dd’s ,ds’s, dp, dh , mil etc., etc.. Yet, knowing they are married, you refer to her as ‘the daughters mum’. Good for you for using the big word daughter but why not wife? Does this offend you ?All of this gets on my fucking nerves so much that once my last full stop is in place I shall leave this middle class, middle England ( I was rooting for them tho’ not one of their own ) first world problems, load of drivel. If you think he’s cheating, there is a good chance he is , if he’s not you have trust issues; if you feed your son McDonalds everyday then yes, there is a good chance he will not only be obese but bullied ; if you hear your neighbour's having sex, why ask here? Buy earplugs ! If your in laws don’t invite you on a family holiday, sorry, either ask why or suck it up, they don’t like you. I worked with young vulnerable mums and directed them to this page for advice from other mums …. OMG , I am so sorry, I just hope I haven’t inflicted lasting damage .Ffs there are really crazy things going on in the world, talk to your friend/s, your family or Samaritans . Don’t waste your time responding, I’m off to read a good book: Its a goodbye from me! PS. I don’t even know what OP stands for !

Schools which have specific EHCP funding for TAs over and above their normal budgets are failing to supply them and regularly citing difficulty in finding any when challenged.

I can see this from both sides.

What time does DD go to bed? Could you tutor then? Maybe online tutoring. Then DH is more 'on call' than actively interacting with your child.

I note you are doing all the housework and that's not fair if DH doesn't see that as work.

Why not have a 'trial week' you do no housework or cooking unless he is there and also doing housework and cooking or he has gone shopping.

Could you consider child minding?

People keep mentioning child minding, but isn’t there a lot more to that these days? I was under the impression you needed early years-specific qualifications and maybe even a dedicated room in your home for it. Don’t you have be inspected by Ofsted as well? Can’t see OPs DH putting up with all that either.

But it is reasonable for her to work and do all the childcare and all the housework? Cause ya know if he moans about having his child a couple of nights a week he is gonna moan even more about helping woth chores. As someone who has been a sahm and someone who is a disabled working mum, going out to work is much easier than staying at home, even my ex agreef when we swapped rolls cause he believed I sat on my ass all day doing nothing, only took 2 weeks for him to sit me down and apologise as going to work at least gives ya a break.

Sit him down and have a very Frank conversation with him. Tell him yer happy to go back to work full time but it needs to be a 50/50 thing , he will need to do half of the childcare, the washing the shopping, the housework, every 2nd time she is sick he needs to be the one looking after her, one of you does drop off-one does pick up. Etc etc, as well as pay 50/50 for childcare and any other expenses. Why would he expect everything to fall to you?