He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

You want your partner to work weekends and overtime and work annual leave so you don’t have to work.
Yes he doesn’t sound like a Prince but you sound pretty awful too

You need to get on the same page. Have a proper actual discussion/agree what the next 2 years look like financially.

I know you say that you dont mind doing without but this isnt doing without luxuries, its not being able to pay the electricity bill as your husband felt the need to take some leave. He sounds frazzled and it seems you are digging your heels in for it to be tutoring or nothing.

People are saying I have all this free time during the week. I don’t. My Dd has only just started on three mornings per week, Dh never gets her up and ready, doesn’t do breakfasts, just has a leisurely coffee, gets himself ready and goes to work. If I worked it wouldn’t be like this, I know. By the time I’ve got her to pre school and back home, I have around two hours before pick up, I clean the house, prep lunch and dinner and do bills and food shopping etc, there’s no relaxing around. If I could find work during these hours that actually made a difference, I’d do it…as it happens I could do this, pick Dd up, be with her all day, get dinner ready then leave to work when Dh gets home, come home late, start it all again in the morning and earn more money. Dh would have to come home from work, sit down to eat his dinner, put Dd to bed and that’s it

Could you do some tutoring to home ed children in the time when your daughter is at nursery? Depending on the area you teach, you could do online group classes or you could do in person sessions in your local area for example if you are a science teacher you could run some group sessions.

I don’t think you should ‘go back to work because that’s what many women do’ as stated by a pp… you do what works for you. It’s irrelevant what the rest do! However paying bills late is a bit worse than ‘getting by’ in my opinion.. can you go back to work when she’s at preschool?? My baby is nearly 12 months and goes to nursery 2.5 days a week.. I am thinking of going back to work those 2.5 days if my old employer will let me; or I’ll find something else. That way he is still at home a large chunk of the week. Your Dd is 4 which is a good age; she isn’t a tiny tot. If the day care you have is very stressful for her (I agree that many kids in daycare are completely over stimulated and stressed) can you find a calmer environment? A childminder, an au pair; another nursery? I did also wonder maybe you could become a childminder if you have teaching experience!! Good luck. It’s a hard balance to strike.. I’ve not met one mum who feels totally at peace with their work/mum balance. Xo

It's not really fair to criticise OP when she wants to fill some of those mornings with the 2 hours of work which is available to her, along with working evenings & weekends.

She WANTS to work, her DH is telling her he won't support that work by taking care of his own child. She's not telling HIM to find more work - when he wants leave, he takes it (as he damn well should, he IS shouldering the financial burtden solo currently) & OP is the one managing the budget to make sure they can pay bills.

I’m generally with your DH here. First, I think your daughter should be in pre-school for more than three mornings a week. That is very, very little for a four-year-old. Second, you doing tutoring doesn’t have to be every evening and all weekend. You can compromise. Why not start with one evening/after school session? Your DH takes over on that evening, for starters.

This is a complex situation (especially because, as pointed out by PP, it will keep changing as DD gets older) and there is a lot to address here.

If you are falling behind on bills then you don't have enough money coming in and this needs addressing. Are you able to put money aside for the future? What would happen if you needed emergency repairs or your husband couldn't work for a while? So that's one issue.

Another is that it's not unreasonable for your H to want a break from work sometimes. Time off work is supposed to give you a chance to rest so you are able to keep going at your job. So it's not really fair to expect him to take on extra work to fund Christmas if he needs the break. OTOH being a working parent does mean you get screwed for many years, unless you are lucky enough to have extended family to help or be able to afford nannies or whatever :-(

So him having a break from work is another issue. But then another issue is it sounds like you're saying he doesn't place any value on childcare/domestic labour and doesn't see the two of you as a partnership, and that's not right. How do you know he wouldn't do any pickups or sick days? Is that based on past experience, on what he's said, or are you just guessing?

I think you both need to be willing to compromise and to approach your finances and domestic labour in a more mature way. This includes both taking a fair share and both making sacrifices (short term) but it doesn't sound like you're really working as a team at the moment.

Good luck, I know this must be very difficult.

It sounds like a complicated situation but my vote goes to YANBU overall @Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts .

You know your DD better than any of us, so you know how to prepare her for school and build up her hours. If she's not ready for 30 hours of childcare or whatever arbitrary number people think is a good target yet, then that's ok.

It sounds like you've identified some options for contributing financially through tutoring, etc, but that your DH isn't keen because it would gasp require him to parent his own child some of the time. If he wants a bigger income for the family and wants you to help with that, then he needs to be more flexible on who looks after your DD. If he wants his 'downtime', that's lovely. Lots of people enjoy downtime. He can fit it round what his DD needs. Her needs trump his wants. And personally, I don't see parenting my child as an unenjoyable activity. When I'm coming home after work, I'm looking forward to being with DC, and I know my husband feels the same on his days at work.

Perhaps you and he could reach a compromise, where maybe you do some supply work while DD is at nursery one session, then try to build up to two, and do tutoring one evening and then try to build up to two. That could still give you both time with DD and time as a family.

@Trustmeimadoctor Please read my posts, there’s no way I want to live like a 1950’s housewife, but everything changed when I had Dd, I only want the best for her, ahead of me and yes as awful as it may sound, ahead of Dh too. I’m degree educated and worked since I was 14, worked part time through uni and full time since graduation. Things changed when Dd came along, if she was perfectly ok, by this age, she’d be in full time and believe it or not I’d be happy to have myself back and money to myself and progress in my career, I’ve shelved it all for Dd, and that was my choice yes

I think people are being really unfair to you! You are not saying you will only work evenings or weekends for yourself, it’s because you think that’s best for your daughter. And your partner is thinking of HIMSELF in saying no, he doesn’t want to parent during those times.
you are also offering to go out to work after working all day looking after your daughter, it works both ways.

So any work he does has to be on your terms, and any work you do has to be on your terms, yet you feel hard done by

You need to sit down and cost all options.
It sounds like you need to work if you are missing bills.
DD should be able to get some funded hours to save childcare costs.
Online tutoring pays but he would need to mind DD if it’s evening or weekend.
I’d look and see what’s available not just tutoring. I’d look on local council website they often have job share or pt roles and usually decent in terms of leave.
Or agency supply teaching or ta.

How did he react when you unilaterally decided to give up work?

How do you think single parents manage?!. You’ve had a nice way run now you need to help bring money in.

The other point I would make is that by working evenings, and DH and I did do this, we ended up being ships that passed in the night. Then the only time you have is the weekend. I appreciate that lots of people do work things this way, but I actually found it to be more stressful as I had no adult company apart from at weekends.

just giving my perspective as a 50 year old with adult children with Asperger’s.

I don’t understand this thread. You’ll be working and either doing childcare or housework full-time but your DH is complaining about doing the same. He isn’t thinking about your DDs well-being at all.

Most people on here are not going to understand what it’s like to have an ND child. So with that in mind OP there’s not much point asking for advice on here. You can’t live the same life as other people so you need to shield yourself from their views, not actively look for them! Rushing around like a lunatic, working yourself into the ground doesn’t work for mothers of ND children.

I was a SAHM for many years and that was considered normal a few years ago. However people might wish to delude themselves it’s far better for children to have a parent at home most of the time.

FFS get a job

YABU IF he’s proposing an equal sharing of childcare, housework , downtime.

If he’s proposing you do housework, full time hours and childcare I can see why you are resisting.

You are making a lot of assumptions about how life would be if you worked. Spell out to Dh what you working means - he agrees to it. Get a job and give him the chance and if he doesn’t pick up half the slack (assuming you work the same hours) then quit and go back to living off him and he can’t argue. Or leave him and support yourself which is what I would do if I had a husband who had proven he wouldn’t pull his weight as a parent.

Also, think hard about what would happen if he divorces you. I would leave anyone who unilaterally decided I was supporting them and refused to use normal childcare and work enough for us not to be struggling. If he does that, you’ll have to get a job then. Don’t assume you can just decide not to work and he has no agency to react to that in whatever way he sees fit.

It sucks, but you need to get a job.
Your family is struggling financially and your DD is 4.
Its not an unreasonable request. Its not fair that you want to do 3 hours here and there so you are never inconvenienced and it all falls on your DH.

shoulder some of the burden

My oldest child is dyslexia ,dyspraxic and has T1 diabetes ( from childhood), my other child has ASD. Both now adults, I always worked full time, believe me I understand.My late husband had ASD and ADHD.

‘My top concern and priority is my Dd, not having more money for things for ourselves, I don’t care about that.‘

Easy not to care when your husband is doing all the work and bringing the money to pay for everything. You would care if you couldn’t afford rent/mortgage and food soon enough. You cannot afford your current lifestyle as you are falling behind with bills. Why is that not worrying you? Have you heard of the energy bills rising and cost of living crisis? No wonder he is worried.

You had a kid and has no intention of working properly again from that day onwards. No wonder he is annoyed. I actually think you had decided never to work as a teacher again way before the special needs were identified.

You need to work. And he needs to share childcare and housework in the evenings. You have a lot of mature talking left to do.

If you start working then you'll be entitled to 30 free hours. Stretched over the full year this is 22 hours per week, so in your situation I would put DD in for 2 full days to enable you to work on those days.

But your partner is being unreasonable by not willing to look after his child during the evenings/weekend.