He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

I don't think you're putting much effort in to see things from his perspective. He has a point re you working evenings and weekends. Also, from a relationship perspective- when would you ever see each other? He works days and you working evenings and weekends? You'll be like ships passing in the night. I think more compromise is needed on your end...

So you want your DD to be stress free, but happy for your husband to be stressed and under immense pressure to work full time while you sit at home 3 days a week with time to yourself?

You're being selfish.
Get your DD into 30 hours and get a part time job. You say the house won't be clean again after that, why not? Everyone else manages. Take it in turns after work. Get stuff done when you're off with your DD.

Being able to stay on top of bills is different from "having things for ourselves".

You say you are prioritising your DD. Do you think it's good for her to live in financial insecurity and with one parent who is stressed out over money and resentful of the other? Sounds healthy to you?

I don't buy it that it's all about the kid...

You sound delightful....

You are contradicting yourself saying ur dd wants for nothing, you get by on one wage then say u can't pay bills at times.
It is so demoralising to work ur ass off and have nothing to show for it other than paying bills to live.
You need to get back to work. Work life balance is for everyone, not just sahms who's partners are busting a gut. Ur child is old enough to be in nursery full time (fab ur dd can get a choice) and help is out there to support this.however I think ur partner is being unreasonable by not wanting u to work in the evenings based on fact he has worked and has to look after his own daughter when he comes home. This attitude stinks and I would be putting my foot down as this is a compromise of sorts from you, but based on what u say at the start, you need to get back to
Work now. Do it while ur daughters at nursery (at 4 she will benefit from this so much) then she will benefit from having both her parents home at night together. Win win for everyone.

I voted YANBU, not because I think you shouldn't have to go back to work, but because of your DH's unpleasant and uncompromising attitude.

So he thinks it is all right for him to work and then come home and do nothing in the evenings and weekends, does he? He doesn't even want to look after his own child for an evening or two a week while you work.

I think it's time to go back to work - and not just a few hours "around DD". A real job.

The issues with your DP's attitude are separate, but if he really is an arse (as you are sort of implying) then all the more reason you need to get back out to work.

He’s made his point clumsily but your OH is struggling. How would you feel if you were in his position and he wanted you to work all day the solo parent all night and weekend.

You have better options to support each other. I’ve just seen an online tutor vacancy where it’s remote working and you choose your own hours.

My husband and I did this for a couple of years when the kids were smaller. I worked all weekend and one evening a week, but then I was at home all week to look after the kids. Worked really well for us, but you both have to be on the same page for it to work!

I have a dc with sn and I understand why your dc needs your support settling, until you have services and other supports in place for her so I don’t think yabu.

I also can hear that your dh is struggling with the mental load of providing.

You both sound financially chaotic.

There’s a lot to unpick in this.

MN and UK culture subscribes deeply to the capitalist ideology that personal worth is entirely defined by the ability to work, and the natural extension of that is that disabled people are essentially inferior. Not working in order to care for or support a person with disability leaves you open for a MN kicking.

You might be better off re posting this in the threads for SN parenting.

I think you need work, by the sounds of things you cannot afford not to.
You mentioned that your daughter has everything and more a couple of times. To be fair if you want her to have everything I think you need to earn.

I do think that he should be supporting you with the tutoring.

But you only want to work doing what you want to do, when you're prepared to do it. That's not really reasonable. It sounds like your DH doesn't really enjoy his job, but he has to do it every day, so it's not surprising he's feeling resentful.

I'd also like to work around my DD (3)'s hours, but that's not going to generate enough money for my family so she goes to childcare 4 days a week. She often asks if I can pick her up early, but I can't. That's just how it is.

My mum was a teacher and does private tuition now. It's not all evenings and weekends. It's after school, weekends and in school holidays. You could combine the tutoring with something else. Maybe part time hours in a shop. Or part time admin in a local business.

So he has to work all day and then come home and look after the kids all evening because OP is out at work? OP has lots of free time during the week when she can work, that would leave evenings free for them to spend together with DD

Falling behind on bills is different to not having treats. I couldn’t live like that, the stress would be terrible.

I think it’s unlikely your daughter wants for nothing if that’s how stretched you are.

You sound like you have contempt for him and his work. It’s currently what’s keeping a roof over your child’s head.

When you talk about YOU getting a job, it's all 'DD has a wonderful life, we never go without, yes we have no treats but I'm not bothered at all.

When you talk about your HUSBAND taking a well deserved annual leave, you say you desperately need extra money for Xmas.

So which one is it?

I think it's unbelievable you don't work when your husband is struggling to pay bills on time.

Get a job.

The only option seems to be putting her in full time and risking her getting even more overwhelmed and having worse meltdowns and nightmares etc at home, whilst I try to find a job within those hours for likely shit pay. I will then end up doing all
her pre school drop offs and pick ups, because Dh won’t possibly be able to get to work later etc…but my job won’t matter. Any time she’s ill, it will be me that has to leave my job or stay off work to be with her, as he can never leave his job and hasn’t had to. It will be me then picking her up and doing every single thing the same as I do now…making dinner, cooking, cleaning etc..for what? So he can buy himself some boys toys
It’s shit and no matter which way it ends up, I end up doing more and never having my job taken properly or being able to make as much as him or as much as I used to anymore..,all at the risk of Dd not being as happy

I think the problem here is that he wants you to work and bring in more money but he doesn't want to pick up the slack in the childcare and household duties that there will be if you start working. As a PP says he is undervaluing your role in the relationship.

You are hardly going to find well paying work for 3 mornings a week, that is the reality.

However posters saying YABU are correct in that the relationship is a partnership and if he is saying your financial situation is not great, and tbh I would be stressed if bills came in that could not be paid, then you need to look at the options together of how to deal with that.

I would write down what you are both doing each day of the week, I suspect he thinks you are 'just looking after DD' during the day so should be pulling your weight more financially, while simultaneously thinking that it wouldn't be fair of him to look after DD in the evening while you work (which shows to me that you are already doing that ie having no break apart from the days she is in preschool). If its a similar situation on the weekend then I expect the reality is you actually have less free time than him overall, so its him who should be picking up the extra work.

Next September? In the nicest possible way, I used to pander to my pub and they played me like a fiddle. They knew if they pretended to be anxious I would rush to their side and give them sympathy and they liked that so they did it often. I created a silly rod for my own back by caring too much. Sometimes you have to teach your child resilience and self confidence and not pander to their bad behaviour. You are letting your 4yo dd dictate how you live your life.

I know and understand how this dynamic comes about but honestly she will be great. Praise her strength and resilience, back off from constantly giving her sympathy, ignore bad behaviour. You will thank me later and she will be happier for it.

Get back to work. It's not all about you it's a partnership.
Discuss it calmly and come up with a way to make it work.
Appreciate the fact he's supported you for 4 years! Most families can't do that. Stop resenting him for taking time off.

and to add, putting myself in your husbands shoes for a minute, if I was working all hours and he was at home, with our DD at nursery and entitled to 30 free hours, AND we were struggling to pay bills on time I would be very p*** off if he didn’t make attempts to get a job or contribute financially

@pinneddownbytabbies Thats exactly it! I’ve done it in the past and it worked out well, I brought a good amount of money in as I used to, felt good getting out of the house etc…this was after me looking after Dd all day, coming home late night/early morning and then looking after her the next day..but he can’t do that

I agree with all of that.

we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage

We sometimes fall behind with bill payments

Thats not having enough to get by then, particularly as you and your husband also have no treats in life.

My mum worked evenings and Saturdays when I was a child whilst my dad looked after us. He worked full time but coped fine so can’t see why your husband can’t. Two of my nursing friends have given up their jobs on wards because their partners can’t cope with having the children at night whilst they’re on nightshifts. At least you could use your teaching skills but wouldn’t have the stress and demands of being a teacher if you did tutoring.

However It might be easier for you to work during the day and then have evenings and weekends with your child, especially when she will be going to school soon. It is never nice first leaving them, especially when you have been with her for 4 years, but she will be fine and you will have your own money and not be dependent on your partner.

Agree to go back to work. He can care for his child while you’re working evenings, all housework and bills split down the middle. If he doesn’t want to care for his child and do his part in the home so you can work I’d reevaluate the whole relationship. I’ve seen men like this and usually the issue is that they want the woman to work full time but they also want a full time SAHM/housewife. They want to roll in the door at 5.15 to a hot dinner and no chores or housework - but that’s not possible with two working parents unfortunately.