He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts Sorry, not really aimed at you, just all the women should be the primary care giver and men should earn the money folk which always come out on this kind of thread. Like the person suggesting you carried her and gave birth to her and now shouldn’t have to work!

Your husband is being unreasonable about the evenings and weekends. I think you’d be wise to consider using more of your 30 free hours though, even if you up the ante slowly. My DD, also 4 (in Aug) and under investigations for ADHD is in full time school. It’s been brilliant for her.

“Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends”

but what if you go back to work and ALSO don’t think it’s fair to look after DD on YOUR time off. Oh wait, no that’s fine because you’re the mum. What bullsh!t from your DH.

Four years is a long time to have the stress of being sole wage earner. It sounds as though he is struggling.

I understand your concern, OP, but this isn't for "boy's toys."

You can't afford to pay your bills. You fall behind on payments. If your husband needs to take off work for any reason, you fall further behind. (You were angry with him for not working for two days and blame that for not being able to afford something.) If an emergency expense came up, god forbid, I imagine you'd have no way of paying it.

This isn't about luxury. It's about being able to afford life and to reduce the stress, on your partner, or knowing that if he is not perfect, you're in serious trouble.

Of course he needs to step up and do more for your child. But you also need to realize that you're not actually okay. This situation is failing. You need to make compromises you don't want to make for the good of your whole family unit. He does too.

But the security of your family can't all be on his shoulders. You literally can't afford it.

Has he actually told you ‘I’m not going to help her DD ready and I won’t ever drop her to nursery’? Because it doesn’t sound like he has.
Of course you do those things at the minute because he goes off to work and you are a SAHM. Why would it make any sense for him to get her ready and himself when you have the free time to do it?
Obviously this would change when you worked but why are you implying this is a bad thing?

This. Why should you get to stay home while he slogs away and clearly is only just about managing? Your daughter is 4, she doesn’t need a SAHM anymore.

OTOH - any childcare that gets done has to be on his terms - ie it's the OP's default responsibility, & he is refusing to look after his own daughter at evenings & weekends so that OP can Tutor.

He's not willing to share the burden of childcare though, is he?
He wants everything his own way without consideration for anyone, even his young child.

Why are you with a man who refuses to do anything for his child?

I can well understand your motivation to put your child first and help her settle and prepare for reception.

Why does he do nothing in the house of for his child?

Have you any familybto support you?

Working evenings and weekends is a good compromise but he wants you to work and do everything else too.

He sounds very selfish.

Lots of couple do as you suggest to save on childcare.

He doesn't want to look after his child.

Having been in situation with an exH who didn’t do their share financially and know many other people (all sexes) who resent their partners not working or not working enough then a decision of you being at home with dc has to be a joint decision. If it’s not joint it isn’t a partnership. It will mess up your marriage. You can do tutoring in mornings the number of children with Sen who don’t have school places is off the chart and there are not enough tutors to meet demand. You don’t have to put your dc in nursery full days you could do 8-1. Your dh will have to step up in the mornings and help with breakfast / drop off.
And you could then fit in 3-4 hours tutoring. Try contacting local medical needs tuition / Alt Ed providers or just advertise privately. home ed families also may want ad hoc tuition. The tutoring marketplace is very different post covid there are many dc who never went back to school. Are you getting DLA? You could also claim carers allowance if your dc needs make you eligible. I’m a single parent with disabled dc so I’ve seen it from all angles and appreciate it’s not easy. You also need to be prepared they may not manage full time school with Sen so the situation may not magically resolve when they start school. There is middle ground here but your DH also has to be willing to help out with the dc more. I’ve never been able to go back to full time work due to dc disability and my pension is pitiful as a result. There have also been times we have needed money for private reports etc due to Sen. Raising a child with Sen/disability is more expensive. So just getting by isn’t a great place to be unless it’s clearly time limited. A lot of people do online tutoring now for internet schools so that might be worth looking at.

I don't understand why you don't do the housework and shopping while your DD is at home. That's what other people do. She doesn't need your undivided attention every second of the day. This, and all your focus on getting DD lots of Christmas presents, lots of activities, etc etc, gives the impression that you're very precious about her. She's not the only member of the family. It feels as though you're having a lovely bonding time together, you're avoiding doing your actual job (teaching) which you don't enjoy, and DH is supposed to finance it all.

I dunno I'd hate it if I was him as well- either working and scraping by or the emotional blackmail being if you want me to work then it'll have to be when you're home. He should do more around the house for sure but also having a SAHP only works if the other is supportive, sounds like that's no longer the case.

I think your biggest issue is that your husband won’t lift a finger to look after his daughter. I think you need to work but I would go with evening tutoring to start with despite his protests. It’s just such an obvious easy option.,

He doesn’t sound like a great parenting partner if he thinks his only role is to bring home the bacon.
Financially you are just getting by. Are you amassing rainy day savings or even putting money aside for big expenditures like changing the car? Are you paying into your personal pension for the future, keeping up your national insurance contributions? It really sounds like you are focussed on the here and now and that is frustrating for him. It would frustrate me too.

But that's just it - OP seems to WANT to shoulder some of the financial burden.

Her H, however, doesn't want to shoulder any of the childcare burden.

Is there no one like a friend or relative who'd look after your child free of charge if you did ad hoc, odd days supply teaching a few times a month? It's v lucrative. No lesson prep or marking. Regularly getting behind on bills isn't how I'd want to live.

@Cherry8809 no the partnership is the husband provides for his wife and child and takes overtime or a second job. His wife looks after HIS child and runs the home.

OP is working. Bringing up a child is working. Housework is work.

A less than school hours term time only job isn’t likely either so he’s probably concerned more of same come September.
It’s not on for full burden of house chores and DDs appointments to fall on you if you are working though.

I feel if this was swapped and this was a man instead of a woman, the cocklodger accusations would come out. YABU OP.

She’s 4, how much looking after her is he actually doing. Surely she’s in bed for 7/8. Presumable you’d be tutoring from 5:30/6 till 8 during the week. Then a couple of hours on weekends? She’s his child to. Wish people on MN would make their minds up on these threads. Husbands getting flamed for doing nothing, this post your unreasonable to ask him to look after his child after working all day😭😭

I use to tutor and charged £25-30 an hour. 10 hours a week is £250. You’d struggle to get that in normal PT role.

It's not paying the bills though is it. I agree unpaid labour is as valuable as paid employment, but the crux in this case is that money is very tight and DH resents working and having to go without as there's not enough money in the pot.

You come across as really entitled OP.

I think it's very unfair to criticise your husband for 'only' working full time hours, while you don't work at all. No wonder he's fed up.

Clearly you don't want to give up your life of leisure but you need to get back to reality. Staying home with a four year old is a luxury that very few can afford.

If you're in the UK she could be accessing her 30 hours and you could be doing 1 or 2 days a week teaching. I do think he has a point, at least giving him a light at the end of the tunnell - what will you do in September?

Yeah & millions of mothers do just that - AND have paid work too.