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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I have to get back to work

933 replies

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:03

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/12/2022 14:16

I get it, I have to keep my days free atm for my kid with SEN so I work evenings when husbands around at home.

Tell your bloke you can only work evenings for the minute and he'll have to look after his child or he shuts up about it.

This is HIS bairn, he can manage. Kids grow up, it's not a long term thing.

Fragrantandfoolish · 08/12/2022 14:16

Man you really don’t want a job do you. You know you’re being unreasonable. You’re trying to make it you will only do it at times that mean he gets no down time. You are struggling and it’s not fair on him

get a job.

TokyoSushi · 08/12/2022 14:16

There has to be a middle ground here, kindly OP, it seems very much like you want everything on your own terms.

Is there some compromise where you go back to a school or similar a couple of days per week and increase DD's childcare a little?

BiddyPop · 08/12/2022 14:17

If he wants you to go back to work, does he realise that either he will have to pay for childcare or that it will need to come out of your wages (BTW - it needs to be a shared household expense)? It's not as simple as "you need to work". If he cannot accept you working at a time that you don't need external childcare because he can provide it, that is.

Jingleoverthatway · 08/12/2022 14:17

He's sounds fed up. Can you put her in nursery for a full day or two and pick up supply? A few of my teacher friends have done that.

liarliarshortsonfire · 08/12/2022 14:17

I can kind of see where he's coming from, even if he's not expressed it correctly.

Why not look at how much you'd earn going back to work, then take out childminders and/after school clubs etc. if you can't do this, then maybe you go back full time and your dh is the one to go part time, he can then leave work early to collect from nursery etc. it's about working as a team. I'm sure you do want to spend this time with her, but sometimes it's just not practiced

Brefugee · 08/12/2022 14:17

you wrote "I decided not to go back to work" how much input did your DH have in this?

Frankly? You need to listen to him. Because he is feeling stressed and put upon. It is time to revaluate what you both want your lives to look like. Maybe he'd like to go part time? drop some hours? you could work 80% or whatever.

But it is deeply unfair on one partner to have to earn all the money to support a family. Yes he needs to consider your tutoring options, but frankly? I don
't blame him for not wanting to (even on a few days) work all day then come home and look after the kids alone. I did that for years and it sucked.

You both need to find a way that works for both of you.

qpmz · 08/12/2022 14:18

'nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)'

The above plus falling behind with bills is not fine even if you're not bothered by no treats, your husband is.

Think how much better off you'll be if you work and use childcare in the daytimes? No worries about gifts, nights out and holidays. Compare that to the current scenario and what is better?

TerraNostra · 08/12/2022 14:20

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:10

@Dittosaw Yes and I can work, there is a way for me to work, but he doesn’t want to do that

But your proposed working hours just mean that he ends up doing sole childcare on top of his working hours. It's not reasonable to expect him to take on extra work in the home so you can work outside it.

MichelleScarn · 08/12/2022 14:20

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2022 14:12

I don’t know where to start but he sounds ridiculous. He wants everything on a plate. How can you possibly work with 9.30-11.30 and make any money worth speaking of?

Does he not want to pay for childcare as a joint expense if you worked more standard hours?

Working evenings and weekends tutoring does sound sensible - why is it such a big deal for him to do some childcare? If it’s such a big deal, isn’t he grateful to you for doing it so that he can work?

Why should they PAY for childcare when op doesn't want to use the 30hrs free? I get where he's coming from!

LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 14:21

You are being quite selfish. A 4 year old doesn’t need you home full time.

And ensuring DH does all childcare while you work evenings and weekends effectively leaving him zero off time is not a fair compromise. This isn't all about what suits you. There's two of you to consider.

Also this bit jumped out at me:

Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can*

He works "only" full time? Sounds like you resent him for not working even more... Really rich of you to say that, given that you are working zero hours.

You are taking him for granted. Get a job.

ILOVECHEESE79 · 08/12/2022 14:21

I think you are being really unreasonable.

You've had the luxury of being at home with DD for 4 years and your DH is now (although not in the best way) saying enough is enough and he'd like some help with familial finances.

I DO understand how difficult it is to parent ND children and how transitions (such as Preschool) can be immensely challenging.

I'm solo parent to twin DC, one of whom is on a waiting list for ADHD and ASD assessment, the other being on the list for ASD assessment. Both Preschool and now Reception have been immensely difficult.

gonutkin · 08/12/2022 14:22

ScatteredMama82 · 08/12/2022 14:15

OP I understand that you don't want to be away from your daughter but try to see it from his perspective. While she is pre-school you get time to yourself, you could be working then. You say you have saved money for Christmas, but you're not earning anything so where did you save this money from? You want to work in the evening or at the weekend, meaning your DH is working FT and then doing childcare while you work too. When does he get any downtime? When do you have family time if you do that? Like others have said, teachers are in very short supply or you could even be a TA a few mornings a week. That wouldn't result in any less time with your daughter and would also be a foot in the door to increase your hours when she starts school.

Totally agree here, in fact couldn't have put it better myself. I totally would expect my partner to do his fair share of childcare but the fact you have free time while she is at school would make the most sense for you to work then

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2022 14:23

MichelleScarn · 08/12/2022 14:20

Why should they PAY for childcare when op doesn't want to use the 30hrs free? I get where he's coming from!

Show quote history

I’m reading it as he wouldn’t want to pay jointly for childcare to allow her to work during normal office hours, with him already complaining about not having any money left etc, but maybe OP could clarify

Bestcatmum · 08/12/2022 14:23

You do need to get back to work. Some of us have no choice. You've had a lot of time off with her already.
It does annoy me when your dh says it's not fair he has to look after her when he is not at work though. What the heck does he think single parents do?
It sounds to me that you both want everything your own way and that's not possible in a relationship. You must compromIse.

ReachedTheEndofCake · 08/12/2022 14:23

I don’t see the difference between you looking after dd all day and working in the evening, and dh working during the day and looking after dd while you work later? If this is his argument against your suggestion?

As long as it’s not every evening so he does get a total break, and you keep some family time at the weekends, you tutoring in the evening or the mornings dd is at nursery would be the quickest way for you to pull some extra money in - but then keep looking for a more suitable long term plan/job.

(I’d also have a think about dd trying the 30 hours at it could create more of a routine and actually be less overwhelming then just being there so little, ie get to know the key workers and other children, but obv you know your dd best)

gogohmm · 08/12/2022 14:23

Assuming that you are in the U.K., you now have 30 hours per week free childcare if you work. Why not put you dd in for more hours and take work as a teaching assistant or supply teacher until she starts school. My friend does supply as a choice, a lot less paperwork!

gonutkin · 08/12/2022 14:25

This reply has been deleted

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But she has free time in the day to work while the child is at school.. then they can both be free in the evenings to spend time with DD and each other

Original poster
Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:25

I want to work, I have viable options to work that will bring in more money than working the day.
it doesn’t suit me to be nit working during the day, I’m genuinely worried for Dd and want things to be as stress free as possible for Dd until she has help in place, my hope is for next September when she will be in full time…at this point I can find a job during the hours she is at school
My top concern and priority is my Dd, not having more money for things for ourselves, I don’t care about that.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 08/12/2022 14:27

This reply has been deleted

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Why is he a cunt? Just by virtue of being the man in the situation?

Why can't OP work any other hours? Everything has to be on her terms.
She decided not to go back to work. She decided she couldn't possibly work any other hours.

If there's one selfish person in the equation it's not the husband

Catspyjamas17 · 08/12/2022 14:27

Perhaps you could do a bit of tutoring until she's at school full time, which isn't far away, and then look for something in school hours.

Privatestate1 · 08/12/2022 14:28

It’s fair enough wanting to be there for DD but if your falling behind on bills surely something needs to change? For me falling behind in bills would be very serious and stressful? But I am very cautious when it comes to finances. Can you get a term time job for when she’s at school just to top up?

Redebs · 08/12/2022 14:28

It's refreshing to hear someone fitting work around the needs of a young child. Very few employers are going to offer well paid work for the few hours you are available, minus travel.
Sounds like your husband is seriously undervaluing all the other unpaid work you do at home as well.
Children grow so quickly and there will be plenty of time later for you to get back into teaching.

In the meantime, if your husband wants a 'fairer' financial contribution from you, then maybe he could work part time - once all the childcare and housework tasks are finished of course - while you go back to work full time. I think you might actually enjoy having your meals made and laundry done, while not worrying about your daughter. Imagine only having to work for 40 hours a week!!!

gonutkin · 08/12/2022 14:29

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:25

I want to work, I have viable options to work that will bring in more money than working the day.
it doesn’t suit me to be nit working during the day, I’m genuinely worried for Dd and want things to be as stress free as possible for Dd until she has help in place, my hope is for next September when she will be in full time…at this point I can find a job during the hours she is at school
My top concern and priority is my Dd, not having more money for things for ourselves, I don’t care about that.

I totally get that OP and the fact you care so much is amazing but I have been there where money is tight and it seems like you keep saying I want this or I don't mind this or that. If I was working full time and had no money at all for any luxuries I would be down about it too. Lots of people at the moment are in that position with no way out but your family do. I would feel the same as your husband if I had no spare money to enjoy myself a little bit but it's starting to sound like because your not bothered that it shouldn't be important

Mercurial123 · 08/12/2022 14:29

YABU. You're complaining about your husband whilst being very inflexible yourself. He's concerned about money and your'e not supporting him. You need to contribute financially.