He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

What were the arrangements for doing housework, cooking, etc and what hours did you both work before you had DD. If you split things equally before, then you both know he can do it. If you did everything before you had DC, then I don't think he's unreasonable to assume it will carry on. You will need to talk with him to discuss the new way things have to work.

@Angelil please could you also send me details of the agency I am desperate for some part time teaching hours

Thanks jane

I will send you a PM.

Your messages do read that this is all about you and DD. I get you are worried because of the possible adhd but how will she cope going from 3 mornings a week to full time, even if you can get some more support? Maybe the compromise is to change DDs pre-school hours so you at least have 2 days you could work during week but so you can all be home sharing the house load/spending time together those 2 evenings and then pick up some evening work on the other times/ 1 day at the weekend. You could prep meals/shop/clean on the 3 days you’re not working so your husband and DD can spend quality time together?

Hi not sure if you have found a solution yet but what about cash apps such as roamler, Be my eye or Shepper. You cpuld easily make 150 quid a month and do jobs with or without your little one. The other option maybe to advertise to homeschoolers a set lesson each week and teach their children. Often homeschoolers get together in groups with multiple families and split your costs.

I can see some points in both sides to be honest. The way it sounds is that it’s be best if you look for part time work while your dd is in nursery and at that age it’s probably best to look at increasing hours anyway to get her used to it ready for when she starts school so make the most of the free hours you can get (not sure what they are as my kids were tiny before that was a thing) and then reevaluate the household arrangements in terms of household chores and family time and downtime as you are both entitled to downtime but you should both be contributing to the household chores also. Soon little one will be going to school full time and that’ll creep up sooner than you think and if she’s exhausted and overwhelmed now then not getting her used to it by not gradually increasing her time in nursery now means it’ll hit her hard when she becomes compulsory school age. I can see why your dh would be frustrated, but he will have to accept changes to the way the house is run so you can work when your dd is at nursery, then as I said, share the chores, make the shopping a family outing and then agree some time between you where you get downtime to do what you want and he gets downtime to do what he wants and if you really want to make things better, then I’d also look at asking a family member or trusted friend to babysit once a month or something and go out together as a couple and ensure that you’re putting work into yourselves as a couple still too as well as days out as a family. That’s just as important for any couples be it having been together 2 years or 40! Relationships are a partnership which means working together. On everything.

I feel like some of the posters are reading something different to me. OP’s DH is expecting her to work but refusing to care for their child for a few hours a week so that she can get decent paid tutoring work. Why on Earth would she put her child in longer hours to get a NMW job when she can do lucrative tutoring for fewer hours. The child has another parent.

And if parenting that child is so easy that the OP is being lazy by choosing it, then it must be really easy for the child’s father to do it for a few hours a week.

@Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts i hope you are ok.

I’d just like to add that I have adhd and as long as you research and make sure the environment at home is one dd can thrive in she’ll be absolutely fine, however an environment where there is animosity she will feel it. People with adhd are extremely sensitive to other people’s moods so she will definitely feel it if there’s tension at home over this. Eventually we start to internalise things and think that they’re our fault and that’s not healthy for dd so again, it really is about learning to come to a compromise.