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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He says I have to get back to work

933 replies

Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts · 08/12/2022 14:03

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

OP posts:

Redebs · 08/12/2022 14:45

OP, I think you realise how much your daughter needs you at the moment and that's actually a good thing.
It's become such a norm to pack children off to childcare, that we forget how important parenting is as well. Perhaps put a few books on child development in your husband's direction and carry on trusting yourself to do what's best for your daughter.

TheOrigRights · 08/12/2022 14:45

After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd

Was this just a slip of the keyboard or did you decide this on your own?

Soothsayer1 · 08/12/2022 14:45

Two of my nursing friends have given up their jobs on wards because their partners can’t cope with having the children at night whilst they’re on nightshifts
What's the point in having a partner who refuses to parent their own children ☹️

Kanaloa · 08/12/2022 14:45

So yeah I’d say it has to be both. It’s not fair to expect him to handle all financial support, and it’s deeply unfair for him to expect you do shoulder all parenting and household work. You need to cut both in half and share them equally.

brookln · 08/12/2022 14:45

I think this is a would up. And also will end up in daily mail.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 08/12/2022 14:47

I don't agree that you're managing fine financially if you're falling behind on bills, but equally if you go to work then DH needs to step up with the childcare.
My youngest is 7, I went back to work when she was 10 months old, dh worked all week and I worked all weekend. Now she's at school I work full time, if she's ever poorly or needs picking up early me and dh split taking time off to look after her, that's what a marriage is about.
I think he's said it in the wrong way but I do agree you need more money coming in

Soothsayer1 · 08/12/2022 14:47

She has been the higher earner previously and also put her body through the stress and trauma of having a child later in life, she has done enough, she has given enough of herself

Brefugee · 08/12/2022 14:48

I think one thing that is often missing in these conversations, especially with a first child, is that it needs to be an ongoing conversation. They change so quickly, or something comes up, and with the job-market and economy the way it is. So you need to constantly re-evaluate what is working for you as a person, you as a family and the child in all of this.

For many years i was the main breadwinner in a soul sucking but decently paid and fairly steady job. I would have been mad to jack it in but i came close often. What kept me going is knowing that my DH understood this and kept my back covered as much as possible so that i had downtime for myself, as well as family time. Then things changed, and i had a job that i liked, coasted at and he was really seriously stressed and his MH was suffering. So we switched it up again. And then again. And there was a time with the pfb being a baby that we barely saw each other because as he came in i handed over the baby and went out (tutoring as it happens). But needs must.

And there are compromises. Sometimes big ones. But there is always a pay off.

LemonBounce · 08/12/2022 14:48

It's tough to go back to work but you are a couple and need to support each other.
This reads like you are resenting your dh for not working more days which is unfair.
It also sounds like your answer to him saying he needs help and doesn't want to work so much/things to be difficult financially is: You'll have to do solo childcare in the evenings, the cooking and cleaning and it will be worse for dd. Would he prefer to be doing some of this rather than working full time?
Could you swap and he could be a stay at home dad?

RealBecca · 08/12/2022 14:48

Well either:

DD needs to do more hours at nursery so you can work or

He needs to be prepared to do childcare or

He needs to work more hours or get promoted.

What other options has he put forward? Or is he just pissed off that life is hard?

Extreme options could be downsizing or looking at mortgage holidays. But that seems a bit extreme.

Seperately, if your expectation is that you will take a nice little lady job to work around his big important man job so you can drop everything for childcare, doing the nights and making his dinner on time then I think you need a bigger think about your life and what that really offers you that being single wouldnt. But I say that as someone who shared nights despite breastfeeding and both partners went back part time to share childcare with a man who wanted to spend time with his kids and support his family so what fo I know. And yes, it's a dig- but at him, not you.

millymollymoomoo · 08/12/2022 14:48

Carry on like this and you’ll end up divorcing and your choice to work may be taken away from you

Collaborate · 08/12/2022 14:48

I can't get beyond your criticism of him taking 2 days annual leave instead of working that.

Get your daughter in to pre-school for longer hours (perhaps full-time) and get a job teaching. I'm not surprised he's had enough. You are struggling to pay the bills - IU bet he's not even putting anything aside for his pension. If you work then you can put aside for your pension too.

Fragrantandfoolish · 08/12/2022 14:48

Soothsayer1 · 08/12/2022 14:47

She has been the higher earner previously and also put her body through the stress and trauma of having a child later in life, she has done enough, she has given enough of herself

Oh give over. Having a baby doesn’t mean we don’t need to work again,

luxxlisbon · 08/12/2022 14:49

@Redebs *OP, I think you realise how much your daughter needs you at the moment and that's actually a good thing.

It's become such a norm to pack children off to childcare, that we forget how important parenting is as well.*

God you’re right. Imagine if OP was such a shit parent that she ‘packed her kid off to childcare’ so she can earn a living and pay the outstanding basic utility bills they are currently struggling with.

Covering your child’s basic needs are an important part of parenting.

SleepWhenAmDead · 08/12/2022 14:49

If you earn more than him, perhaps you get a full-time role and he can be the carer for your daughter?

Scottishskifun · 08/12/2022 14:50

VisitingThem · 08/12/2022 14:39

I think the problem here is that he wants you to work and bring in more money but he doesn't want to pick up the slack in the childcare and household duties that there will be if you start working. As a PP says he is undervaluing your role in the relationship.

You are hardly going to find well paying work for 3 mornings a week, that is the reality.

However posters saying YABU are correct in that the relationship is a partnership and if he is saying your financial situation is not great, and tbh I would be stressed if bills came in that could not be paid, then you need to look at the options together of how to deal with that.

I would write down what you are both doing each day of the week, I suspect he thinks you are 'just looking after DD' during the day so should be pulling your weight more financially, while simultaneously thinking that it wouldn't be fair of him to look after DD in the evening while you work (which shows to me that you are already doing that ie having no break apart from the days she is in preschool). If its a similar situation on the weekend then I expect the reality is you actually have less free time than him overall, so its him who should be picking up the extra work.

This in spades!!!!!

The interim solution is for you to do the tutoring and him to agree but for it not to be all day sat/sun and not every evening of the week. I would explain that you need to find the middle ground and this is a good solution but understand he needs some downtime so discuss what would be a good number of evenings/hours at the weekend for this.

Reugny · 08/12/2022 14:50

Soothsayer1 · 08/12/2022 14:45

My SILs wouldn't have their careers, including one who is a high flyer, if my brothers hadn't stepped up and looked after their own children at night and at weekends.

These men need to be shamed in their social circles for their inability to look after their own children on their own.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/12/2022 14:52

but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends
😂😂😂
Excuse me OP - wasn't able to read past that breathtaking hypocrisy!

He seems absolutely fine for you to look after DD all day, then work the evenings & weekends ... until it occurs to him that he might need to do the same, in reverse ...

Namora · 08/12/2022 14:52

I don't see why you can't register with a teaching supply agency and do a couple of days a week. That would bring £1k easily into.your home a month.

Putdownthecake · 08/12/2022 14:52

if your DD will be full time from September then you really need to be upping her hours now anyway. It'll be a huge adjustment from 3 small mornings a week to 5 full days. Do supply. You can pick and choose (worked supply teaching). Minimum is £120 a day. By working you'll get entitlement to 30 free hours, not all of which you have to use but it'd be a start. You sound like a very loving mother but also rather selfish. You might be happy to go without, but basics like not falling behind on bills is not exactly wanting a life of luxury is it.

loislovesstewie · 08/12/2022 14:52

How much discussion was there about you working prior to your daughter being born?

Zosime · 08/12/2022 14:53

Your dd has clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed, but you sometimes fall behind with bills?

I think first of all you need to look at your spending and prioritise the essential bills ahead of some of the non-essential clubs, activities etc. And cut back on Christmas spending.

RandomPerson42 · 08/12/2022 14:53

He’s frustrated and hacked off but acting like a baby - he should see his daughter should come first.

Surely spending evenings and weekends with his daughter should be a joy he would welcome…

ilovesooty · 08/12/2022 14:53

On the one hand you mention getting behind on bills and on the other you accuse him of wanting you to work so that he can buy more boy's toys. Which is it?

Trustmeimadoctor · 08/12/2022 14:54

I read threads like these and I really wonder why, as a little girl, I was told that men and women could be equals. In our careers and raising children. How can we ever be when so many women clearly want to still live in the 1950s?

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