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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for my money back?

250 replies

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:48

I lent my sister’s partner £500 for an engagement ring so it would go undetected (joint bank account) which he said he’d pay back after he popped the question.

that was a month ago and he hasn’t mentioned repayment once since they’ve been engaged. Truthfully, I’m not desperate for the money and i know Christmas is around the corner and things are tight for them. However I would like it back soon and was hoping he would be more proactive in trying to repay me.

I was happy to help but I feel I didn’t set clear enough boundaries as I was excited for my sister and I also assumed he would want to pay me back as soon as possible, and that assumption was wrong. I know if I owed someone a large amount of money I would at least want to explain when/how I will pay that person back.

AIBU asking for the money back? And how do I go about asking for it back without making this awkward? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

OP posts:
Vinvertebrate · 08/12/2022 08:50

He’s a CF. Ask for it immediately!!

Couldyounot · 08/12/2022 08:51

Has he actually bought the ring?

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:51

Yes I paid for it in the shop myself, as I helped him pick it.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/12/2022 08:52

So you paid for your sister’s engagement ring?
Ask for the money now

fancyacuppatea · 08/12/2022 08:52

Tell him if he doesn't pay you back, you'll tell your sister that you paid for her engagement ring.

Squeaky bum time for him!

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/12/2022 08:52

Tell him you need the money back when is he planning to pay you. You need to be proactive.

Zanatdy · 08/12/2022 08:53

Just message and say you need the money for Christmas gifts and send your bank details. He’s the unreasonable one

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:55

I actually feel embarrassed asking for the money back. For both of us. I feel stupid for not setting them terms out ie pay me back 2 weeks after. But also embarrassed that I even have to ask, like why isn’t he trying to pay it back? Perhaps he’s struggling? I don’t know, just feels very awkward.

OP posts:
Vinvertebrate · 08/12/2022 08:59

“Hey CF, when are you planning to return the 500 quid I lent you?”

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/12/2022 09:00

Since he only proposed recently and at this time of year there is so much stuff going on, it's probably something he is aware of but just hasn't done.
I wouldn't assume the worst or threaten to tell your sister which seems to be antagonistic for the sake of it.

I'd just speak to him. Ask him if he has the money now, if not give him a date you need it by such as the day after his next pay day.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 09:01

Does your sister know you lent him the money?
Ask him for it back.
Tell him he can pay back £100 a month if he wants. Do it via text so you have a record of the conversation.

chercez · 08/12/2022 09:02

I feel for you, these situations are so awkward. I would send him a text and just ask for the money. I'm pretty sure your sister would be horrified if she knew that you had paid for her ring and wasn't paid back. That's not a great start to an engagement.

Surely you paying for a £500 ring isn't something that he would forget though. Just ask him before your sister finds out.

Good luck.

beelover · 08/12/2022 09:03

In my experience the longer you leave it the more awkward you will feel about asking for the money back so I would do it now. You never know it may have just slipped his mind in the excitement of the proposal and your sister saying yes or he could just be a CF. Either way it's your money and you need it back.

Riverlee · 08/12/2022 09:03

If you don’t ask, you’ll never get it back.

Anyone else see this as a red flag that he’s asking his future sil to lend him money to buy the engagement ring? Don’t bode well for the marriage.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/12/2022 09:04

If you give him a date to pay you back by and he misses that, then I'd start thinking something is going on.
I'd then tell him that it isn't fair on you to have to chase your own money and you need it back.

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 09:04

My sis doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way tbh as I don’t want to spoil the magic of it all or taint things. If she found out I’d have the money back today, but she would be fuming that he borrowed it and didn’t pay it back. She’s a very proud person. But this scenario is making me question his character tbh. If he’s struggling I’d understand and happily give him time to pay back but it’s like he’s completely forgotten? Never mentioned the money since.

OP posts:
IWannaBeInTheRoomWhereItHappens · 08/12/2022 09:07

Agree with the others. You need to tell him you need the money back now. It doesn't say much about him that he didn't pay it straight back.

Daftapath · 08/12/2022 09:10

It's not a good sign is it? Most people would be keen to ensure you were not out of pocket and repay asap.

I would send a very firm text asking for repayment this week. As with most cf, he is relying on you being too embarrassed to ask and chase it up.

BellePeppa · 08/12/2022 09:11

Tell him straight. If he doesn’t pay you back you’ve effectively bought your sister’s engagement ring and that will not be a good look for him when you tell her, in front of him. Doesn’t say much for his character.

Knors · 08/12/2022 09:12

No need to feel embarrassed OP. Just ask for it back today!

B00B · 08/12/2022 09:13

He might actually have forgot though, I can be really forgetful and even something big like that with everything that was going on at the time it might have slipped his mind. I have also been in similar situation but for less value, and I just sent a text along the lines of.....

Hey, I've just thought I dont think I gave you my bank details did I? They are xx-xx-xx etc etc.

Vinvertebrate · 08/12/2022 09:14

nobody forgets owing someone 500 quid!!

BellePeppa · 08/12/2022 09:14

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 09:04

My sis doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way tbh as I don’t want to spoil the magic of it all or taint things. If she found out I’d have the money back today, but she would be fuming that he borrowed it and didn’t pay it back. She’s a very proud person. But this scenario is making me question his character tbh. If he’s struggling I’d understand and happily give him time to pay back but it’s like he’s completely forgotten? Never mentioned the money since.

If he tries to wriggle out of it it’s best your sister knows he has a dodgy character now before she’s stuck with him in marriage. The ‘magic’ will just be an illusion anyway.

ZekeZeke · 08/12/2022 09:15

When he asked for the money what exactly did he say?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2022 09:15

So he hasn't proposed yet? Is he planning to pay you once he has proposed because he doesn't want her to see it go out of his bank account?