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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for my money back?

250 replies

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:48

I lent my sister’s partner £500 for an engagement ring so it would go undetected (joint bank account) which he said he’d pay back after he popped the question.

that was a month ago and he hasn’t mentioned repayment once since they’ve been engaged. Truthfully, I’m not desperate for the money and i know Christmas is around the corner and things are tight for them. However I would like it back soon and was hoping he would be more proactive in trying to repay me.

I was happy to help but I feel I didn’t set clear enough boundaries as I was excited for my sister and I also assumed he would want to pay me back as soon as possible, and that assumption was wrong. I know if I owed someone a large amount of money I would at least want to explain when/how I will pay that person back.

AIBU asking for the money back? And how do I go about asking for it back without making this awkward? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

OP posts:
MRSDoos · 08/12/2022 12:34

Before everyone rushes to judge him, call him a CF, say you’ll never see the money again or tell you the marriage already seems doomed let’s take a step back…

I think you should just send him a quick message “Hey, I am going Xmas shopping soon can you transfer me the £500 today”

Then if he doesn’t reply or makes excuses you can think about next steps

MadelineUsher · 08/12/2022 12:37

He’s a good guy, just different to how our family is on these things.

He's not a good guy.

A good guy would have been mortified you had to contact him about it. A good guy would have apologised. A good guy would have made sure you knew when he would be paying you if he was a bit short of funds temporarily. A good guy would not have put you in this position and made you doubt yourself.

MsRosley · 08/12/2022 12:37

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 09:04

My sis doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way tbh as I don’t want to spoil the magic of it all or taint things. If she found out I’d have the money back today, but she would be fuming that he borrowed it and didn’t pay it back. She’s a very proud person. But this scenario is making me question his character tbh. If he’s struggling I’d understand and happily give him time to pay back but it’s like he’s completely forgotten? Never mentioned the money since.

Honestly, in your shoes I'd want my sister to know something essential about her new fiance's character. Not least of all so she could nip this kind of cheeky fuckery in the bud.

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 12:39

You are very silly to accept after Christmas.

Tell him you loaned it with the expectation it would be repaid directly after he proposed.

He's a CF and you have been played.

You should tell him you are very disappointed to have to chase this loan.

This is NOT normal.

This is prime CF territory.

alasangne · 08/12/2022 12:40

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 10:15

Update: future BIL has said he is going to withdraw £300 for me today and pay the rest after Christmas which I’ve agreed is okay. BUT he didn’t apologise or even sound embarrassed that he might have put me out? Just like “oh yeah I’ll get it for you today” all very casual.

He did say thanks for my help with the surprise, so I think maybe we just have different feelings/expectations about borrowing money. He’s more relaxed with owing money than I am, as I would have been apologetic for the delay etc

Oh well, lessons learnt. He’s a good guy, just different to how our family is on these things. Thanks MNers for the push, I really needed it x

As he's said thanks for helping I think you're right he's just got different expectations. I wouldn't lend him a penny again though. If you don't get it back then escalate to asking in front of your sister so she knows

Southwig22 · 08/12/2022 12:45

Is it me or does him paying for the ring from the joint account mean she's paying (in part) for her own ring? 🤔

I'm not sure he sounds like someone you'd want to be tied to, financially or otherwise?

OldEvilOwl · 08/12/2022 12:50

Tell him not to worry about paying you back until after Christmas, so just to wait until his January wage is paid in

No why should she? She wants it back ASAP

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/12/2022 12:50

Cannot believe the cheek of him. I'll give you £300 now and the rest after the 12th of Never. Make it very clear when you want/need the rest of the money IF you are willing to accept this.
Or say no, I need all £500 back now thank you.

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 12:51

Surely your sister knows he needs to pay someone back as well as if they have all joint finances she must realise he would of had to loan money to pay
Maybe he has genuinely forgot, it does happen

poefaced · 08/12/2022 12:51

pairofrollerskates · 08/12/2022 10:57

Tell him not to worry about paying you back until after Christmas, so just to wait until his January wage is paid in.

Wtf?! Is this a joke?

Wheresthebeach · 08/12/2022 12:53

Wow. So you now know that his behaviour around money, lending things, and 'taking' is very very different from yours, and I expect your sisters. Do not get pulled into anything ever again with this chancer.

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 12:55

@greenhousegal but all your wages go into a joint account how can you save separately ? We do this all money is joint money , lots do nowadays
So if he can't save unless he withdraws money out the joint account

viques · 08/12/2022 12:55

Wow he is a cheeky so and so. He should have paid you back the minute she said yes, or the day after at least! It doesn’t bode well for future money issues if he is so casual about debts. At least you know now, and can make sure no one else in the family gets stung. You won’t be able to tell your sister though, which is a huge shame as presumably they already have at least one joint account.

at least you are getting most of it back now, let’s hope he doesn’t spend all his money over Christmas and pull the “ bit low on cash after Christmas” stunt.

viques · 08/12/2022 12:56

Southwig22 · 08/12/2022 12:45

Is it me or does him paying for the ring from the joint account mean she's paying (in part) for her own ring? 🤔

I'm not sure he sounds like someone you'd want to be tied to, financially or otherwise?

Good point!

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 12:57

This place is vile everyone calling a CF , Op went with him to help choose a ring for all we know he may not of been planning to spend £500
But has agreed to get £300 out in cash now and the rest straight after xmas
But reality is OP you should agree when you lend money on timescale to be paid back

magma32 · 08/12/2022 12:59

So he got you to pay for it so your sister doesn’t see it on his account that he’s paid for a ring? So maybe he’s waiting to propose then pay you back so your sister doesn’t ask why he’s transferred you £500, as he’s trying to keep the whole thing secret. That’s my take on it but if he was meant to pay you back straight away or soon enough, then that would be saying a lot about his character to me.

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 12:59

Also how can someone sound embrassed via text
He is getting the money out for you so will see you in person and may say more then

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 13:00

whynotwhatknot · 08/12/2022 12:25

if hes taking 300 out for you now why couldnt he have done that to buy it?

Because he didn't want her sister to see the withdrawal and ask what it was for.
He'll be able to tell her the truth now he's not planning a surprise.

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 13:02

@Southwig22 that depends though doesn't it if he puts in 50% more than she does
Plus many couples have a joint account, OP never stated they also have separate ones just all goes in together, so would be the only way he cOuld pay
But if he pays in more every month then technically he is paying more for everything all the time
Either way OP sister has her finances set up like this so its her choice
But funnily when husbands earn more in here its always family money etc ,

Toddlerteaplease · 08/12/2022 13:03

fancyacuppatea · 08/12/2022 08:52

Tell him if he doesn't pay you back, you'll tell your sister that you paid for her engagement ring.

Squeaky bum time for him!

This!

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 13:04

Also the sister will know wob't she as they have a joint account and she will see £300 taken out today , when he then says to pay towards the ring she will know , or would only £500 transactions stand out to her

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 13:04

@Toddlerteaplease but he is paying her back to people not actually read the answes

PurpleButterflyWings · 08/12/2022 13:06

He says he's going to withdraw £300......... He hasn't done it yet though has he? I would not rest til I had got the money back. How ridiculous and pointless! So your sister is going to STILL see a large-ish withdrawal in the bank account. BTW, I do find it odd that a couple, with no kids, and not married yet have joint finances...

CheesenCrackersmm · 08/12/2022 13:08

At least start asking questions about when he will pay the money back.

PurpleButterflyWings · 08/12/2022 13:09

CheesenCrackersmm · 08/12/2022 13:08

At least start asking questions about when he will pay the money back.

The OP has already stated that he has promised to pay £300 later today. (Whether he does is a different matter of course.)

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