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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for my money back?

250 replies

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:48

I lent my sister’s partner £500 for an engagement ring so it would go undetected (joint bank account) which he said he’d pay back after he popped the question.

that was a month ago and he hasn’t mentioned repayment once since they’ve been engaged. Truthfully, I’m not desperate for the money and i know Christmas is around the corner and things are tight for them. However I would like it back soon and was hoping he would be more proactive in trying to repay me.

I was happy to help but I feel I didn’t set clear enough boundaries as I was excited for my sister and I also assumed he would want to pay me back as soon as possible, and that assumption was wrong. I know if I owed someone a large amount of money I would at least want to explain when/how I will pay that person back.

AIBU asking for the money back? And how do I go about asking for it back without making this awkward? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

OP posts:
B00B · 08/12/2022 09:56

Wishimaywishimight · 08/12/2022 09:54

I don't necessarily think he is a bad person not to have paid yet. I do think he is completely wrong to just ignore the matter altogether and not address it with the OP even if to say "I am a bit tight until payday, is it ok if I pay you then" or "thanks so much for the loan, will get it back to you at the end of the month", something just to acknowledge the situation rather than leaving the OP hanging.

Show quote history

I fully agree, unless he's forgotten and he will be mortified if that's the case.

Nogreens · 08/12/2022 09:59

I don't know. I would be thinking why didn't he just save for it like most people would. Where is he going to get the money to give you? Could he not just have easily waited and used that for the ring?
If you say your sister is proud, does he not know that? Why involve you? Hopefully this is just a case of a man that is bad at planning and disorganised.

Campervangirl · 08/12/2022 10:00

Ooh good luck op, love that you're being totally proactive and texting him, I'd flim flam around too embarrassed to ask and never see that money again 🙄

Remagirl · 08/12/2022 10:03

Is it just me or is paying for an engagement ring something that comes out of the joint bank account? Isn't it something you save for?

Wishimaywishimight · 08/12/2022 10:03

I once reminded a friend that I had loaned her €40, it was on a night out and she promised to drop it into my house the following day (she lived 5 mins drive away). A week later I'd heard nothing so I texted just to remind her about it. I genuinely wasn't hugely bothered about the amount but I did think if she remembered in a month's time or perhaps the next time we met then she would be mortified and would have said "oh you should have reminded me" (as I would have done in that situation).

She never replied to my text but did drop in the money the next day (while I was out of the house). From that day onwards she never replied to a text or phone call and that was 3 years ago and the end of a 7 year friendship sadly.

Soakitup37 · 08/12/2022 10:04

The only one who should feel embarrassed is him! Don’t over think it, just ask for the money back. He’s being a cf in the fact the thinks he can get away with this being something you’ll
forget about, he’s marrying your sister fgs!

but give him the benefit of the doubt and then consider going nuclear if he’s still avoiding paying you back.

KellyWellie · 08/12/2022 10:05

Remagirl · 08/12/2022 10:03

Is it just me or is paying for an engagement ring something that comes out of the joint bank account? Isn't it something you save for?

But if ALL your money goes in a joint account then what?

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 10:07

Remagirl · 08/12/2022 10:03

Is it just me or is paying for an engagement ring something that comes out of the joint bank account? Isn't it something you save for?

Not if it's a surprise

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 10:15

Update: future BIL has said he is going to withdraw £300 for me today and pay the rest after Christmas which I’ve agreed is okay. BUT he didn’t apologise or even sound embarrassed that he might have put me out? Just like “oh yeah I’ll get it for you today” all very casual.

He did say thanks for my help with the surprise, so I think maybe we just have different feelings/expectations about borrowing money. He’s more relaxed with owing money than I am, as I would have been apologetic for the delay etc

Oh well, lessons learnt. He’s a good guy, just different to how our family is on these things. Thanks MNers for the push, I really needed it x

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 08/12/2022 10:28

I would definitely wait until after Christmas as it is expensive for everyone.

Daftapath · 08/12/2022 10:29

I'm glad that you will get £300 back (assuming that you do) but why can he not just transfer it?

I predict the same issue after Christmas for the rest though. His attitude to thinking it's ok to leave you out of pocket so long after doing him a favour is very poor.

Daftapath · 08/12/2022 10:30

Charlize43 · 08/12/2022 10:28

I would definitely wait until after Christmas as it is expensive for everyone.

And for the op too!

FerretInAFrock · 08/12/2022 10:33

Now you know to turn down and further wedding “loan” requests!

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/12/2022 10:34

Well at least you know not to loan any money for their wedding.

fruitbrewhaha · 08/12/2022 10:42

I still think he is taking the piss. If he had asked to borrow the money because he didnt have enough and you had agreed, fine. But he didn’t, he said his only reason for borrowing was to facilitate keeping it secret. So you were right to assume he would return £500 after he had proposed, not some now and some a month later. Given that you said your sister would be ‘fuming’ to learn he owed you money, it doesn’t bode well for their future.

Dacadactyl · 08/12/2022 10:44

Surely he's going to propose at Christmas and if he takes 500 quid out of the joint account now, your sister will know? Which defeats the object of you lending him the money!

I'd just ask him when is he planning to propose and if he says Christmas, just say "great, I will need the money back by xxxx date, is that doable for you?"

MinnieGirl · 08/12/2022 10:45

Outrageous behaviour. If he can’t afford to repay you al, the money he has borrowed, he shouldn’t have bought the ring. I know you have agreed to his terms now, but I would have said I need it all back today or I will have to get the rest from my sister. He would have paid up…. It’s ok to hold onto his money for Christmas, but you are going short. I would not trust him again.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/12/2022 10:45

Charlize43 · 08/12/2022 10:28

I would definitely wait until after Christmas as it is expensive for everyone.

After Christmas is the worst time to ask for money back.

He'll be using money to buy Christmas stuff...

Ask for it as a claim on his bank balance.... Otherwise she's indirectly funding his Christmas presents too.

DrManhattan · 08/12/2022 10:47

Am confused! He wasn't taking money out of the bank as she would notice, but isn't she going to notice when he pays you back? Unless it's a tenner here and there. Very strange.
At least you are getting some of it back... so far

Lemmeparticipate · 08/12/2022 10:48

The moment he asked for it I would have said no as it is clear he had no personal savings to purchase it from in the first place. That alone is a red flag for shacking up together in my opinion. My DH wouldn't have even dreamt of asking anyone to fund my engagement ring! Not even his parents who are generous to a fault.

ScottishLavender · 08/12/2022 10:50

Why on earth does she have a joint account with him when she's not married? 🙄

SinnerBoy · 08/12/2022 10:51

Lemmeparticipate · Today 10:48

The moment he asked for it I would have said no as it is clear he had no personal savings to purchase it from in the first place.

Yes, or why not get it on credit? Loads of jewellers do credit.

And I can't believe that someone voted that the OP is being unreasonable!

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 10:52

ScottishLavender · 08/12/2022 10:50

Why on earth does she have a joint account with him when she's not married? 🙄

Probably so they don't have the issue lots of unmarried women have on here where they're paying 50/50 despite earning half of what their partner does

Suffrajitsu · 08/12/2022 10:54

How was he planning to pay for the ring if you hadn't lent him the money and he could only spare £300?

pairofrollerskates · 08/12/2022 10:57

Tell him not to worry about paying you back until after Christmas, so just to wait until his January wage is paid in.