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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for my money back?

250 replies

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:48

I lent my sister’s partner £500 for an engagement ring so it would go undetected (joint bank account) which he said he’d pay back after he popped the question.

that was a month ago and he hasn’t mentioned repayment once since they’ve been engaged. Truthfully, I’m not desperate for the money and i know Christmas is around the corner and things are tight for them. However I would like it back soon and was hoping he would be more proactive in trying to repay me.

I was happy to help but I feel I didn’t set clear enough boundaries as I was excited for my sister and I also assumed he would want to pay me back as soon as possible, and that assumption was wrong. I know if I owed someone a large amount of money I would at least want to explain when/how I will pay that person back.

AIBU asking for the money back? And how do I go about asking for it back without making this awkward? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

OP posts:
XanaduKira · 08/12/2022 13:10

Well done for asking & glad he's paying some of it back, but he really should be paying it all back asap. Hope you get the full amount and this doesn't taint the relationship going forward.

Luckypoppy · 08/12/2022 13:10

Why is he buying the ring if he didn't have the money sitting there in the bank? You should it have to wait any longer!

drpet49 · 08/12/2022 13:12

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/12/2022 09:00

Since he only proposed recently and at this time of year there is so much stuff going on, it's probably something he is aware of but just hasn't done.
I wouldn't assume the worst or threaten to tell your sister which seems to be antagonistic for the sake of it.

I'd just speak to him. Ask him if he has the money now, if not give him a date you need it by such as the day after his next pay day.

Nope I don’t buy this. He should have paid OP back the day after the engagement.

TrixJax · 08/12/2022 13:19

If he'd really planned to do this without her noticing he'd had been withdrawing small amounts over last couple of months. This smacks of him buying something he can't afford!

I would be asking for all the money back this week OP. You've got a perfect excuse as it's coming up to Christmas, say you need it to buy presents.
Don't accept January as no-one has any money in January, he'll be skint then and you'll still be chasing him for it in Feb.
Use Christmas as the excuse and get it all now.

whynotwhatknot · 08/12/2022 13:19

but he didnt want her to know the op paid for it so whats he going to tell her

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 13:20

whynotwhatknot · 08/12/2022 13:19

but he didnt want her to know the op paid for it so whats he going to tell her

That he borrowed the money from a friend?

Aprilx · 08/12/2022 13:27

MRSDoos · 08/12/2022 12:34

Before everyone rushes to judge him, call him a CF, say you’ll never see the money again or tell you the marriage already seems doomed let’s take a step back…

I think you should just send him a quick message “Hey, I am going Xmas shopping soon can you transfer me the £500 today”

Then if he doesn’t reply or makes excuses you can think about next steps

She has done and he said she can have some today and the rest in January. So him just not wanting her sister to see the expense in the bank account was a lie as he really didn’t have the money at all.

l’d be very worried about my sister marrying a character like this. Who on earth borrows money for their girlfriends engagement ring from her side of the family! If he couldn’t afford it he should have saved up, got a cheaper ring, proposed without a ring or turned to his own family. I would be absolutely mortified if I found out my own family funded my engagement ring. I actually think OP should warn her sister about this cheap skate dubious man, I see trouble ahead…

Liorae · 08/12/2022 13:29

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/12/2022 09:44

OP you need to ask him. It's only literally 1 minute of embarrassment.

If he has forgotten then he will be glad
If he is trying hoping you will feel awkward or forget about it then he is a CF and you can't let him get away with it

Also if it's the latter then your sister really does need to know, can you imagine planning a life with someone who tried to keep money from their family.

You say they are struggling but if so it was pretty daft to pay £500 on a ring, people can get engaged with a very cheap ring and replace at some point in the future

It's much more embarrassing to ask for £500 (let alone not mention repayment) than it is for you to ask for the loan to be repaid

It's not more embarrassing for some people to ask for a loan. That's how they live, ripping of one after another and paying nobody back.

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 13:31

I am a little worried that the general consensus is he's a CF. Now I'm thinking i've been too soft? Perhaps I've been blinded somewhat as I've known him years, however not in a "money lending capacity". I just want my little sister to be happy as she's had a rough few years and this has brightened her up.

When I say he's a good guy, he treats her well, he's funny and a great dad. They live together and have two kids together, which is why I assume they have a joint bank account, however I don't know their financial circumstances really. I've never noticed him being stingy or sketchy before. But my sis works part time and he's struggled for work recently (self employed trady) It never occured to me that he might not have the money, the loan was on the basis so that she would notice him spending £500 at a jewellers or withdrawing a large sum for no reason.

He's going to drop the cash round tonight, should I say something? I don't want to meddle or make assumptions but now I'm worried that he's taking the piss

OP posts:
Liorae · 08/12/2022 13:34

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 13:31

I am a little worried that the general consensus is he's a CF. Now I'm thinking i've been too soft? Perhaps I've been blinded somewhat as I've known him years, however not in a "money lending capacity". I just want my little sister to be happy as she's had a rough few years and this has brightened her up.

When I say he's a good guy, he treats her well, he's funny and a great dad. They live together and have two kids together, which is why I assume they have a joint bank account, however I don't know their financial circumstances really. I've never noticed him being stingy or sketchy before. But my sis works part time and he's struggled for work recently (self employed trady) It never occured to me that he might not have the money, the loan was on the basis so that she would notice him spending £500 at a jewellers or withdrawing a large sum for no reason.

He's going to drop the cash round tonight, should I say something? I don't want to meddle or make assumptions but now I'm worried that he's taking the piss

Let us know if he does that. If so, all is well, if not...

Coffeetree · 08/12/2022 13:36

beelover · 08/12/2022 09:03

In my experience the longer you leave it the more awkward you will feel about asking for the money back so I would do it now. You never know it may have just slipped his mind in the excitement of the proposal and your sister saying yes or he could just be a CF. Either way it's your money and you need it back.

This, exactly. Assume the best! Text him, "So happy for you both blah blah. Here are my bank details. Could you pay me back by 31st? Thanks."

hedgehoglurker · 08/12/2022 13:41

A self-employed trady struggling for work? The whole country is crying out for trades at the moment. They have so much work booked up months in advance that they aren't wanting to quote for work. Just look at the Property section on MN to see the problem currently.

He hasn't behaved decently towards you and I can imagine your sister sees this disrespectful side of him.

Itwasntevenblackpudding · 08/12/2022 13:42

Coffeetree · 08/12/2022 13:36

This, exactly. Assume the best! Text him, "So happy for you both blah blah. Here are my bank details. Could you pay me back by 31st? Thanks."

Show quote history

Why would OP do this when they have already had a discussion and he is coming round with £300 this evening?

Southwig22 · 08/12/2022 13:45

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 13:02

@Southwig22 that depends though doesn't it if he puts in 50% more than she does
Plus many couples have a joint account, OP never stated they also have separate ones just all goes in together, so would be the only way he cOuld pay
But if he pays in more every month then technically he is paying more for everything all the time
Either way OP sister has her finances set up like this so its her choice
But funnily when husbands earn more in here its always family money etc ,

If puts in 50% more than her then she is still paying for 33% of it. This is why I said "in part".

You'd expect him to use separate savings for this for sure.

Knors · 08/12/2022 13:46

I think your BIL is having money issues. If he can't even afford a £500 rings, how is he gonna afford a wedding? This raises concern tbh.

1dontunderstand · 08/12/2022 13:47

what do you mean about saying something? I presume you asked him for the money and he’s said he will drop it around tonight.
All sounds good to me, apart from you having to ask.
I’d just say, thanks for dropping the money around later when you see him.

ocadodeliveroo · 08/12/2022 13:47

hedgehoglurker · 08/12/2022 13:41

A self-employed trady struggling for work? The whole country is crying out for trades at the moment. They have so much work booked up months in advance that they aren't wanting to quote for work. Just look at the Property section on MN to see the problem currently.

He hasn't behaved decently towards you and I can imagine your sister sees this disrespectful side of him.

Took me bloody 3 months to find a decorator. It's ridiculous. He must not be good at what he does...

greenhousegal · 08/12/2022 13:48

healthadvice123 · 08/12/2022 12:55

@greenhousegal but all your wages go into a joint account how can you save separately ? We do this all money is joint money , lots do nowadays
So if he can't save unless he withdraws money out the joint account

Joint accounts are fine for joint expenditure obviously. But I feel everyone should have a separate account for the little (or big) things they want to buy for themselves or gift to the other joint account holder without them knowing how much it cost and where it was purchased.

Personally I would prefer to have access privately to "me" money even if it is just a small amount. OK if the financial situation does not allow for some personal savings, but if it does, what's the problem? Gives one independence too and I could not see myself ever having every penny of mine in an amorphous joint bank account. But everyone is different.

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 13:48

hedgehoglurker · 08/12/2022 13:41

A self-employed trady struggling for work? The whole country is crying out for trades at the moment. They have so much work booked up months in advance that they aren't wanting to quote for work. Just look at the Property section on MN to see the problem currently.

He hasn't behaved decently towards you and I can imagine your sister sees this disrespectful side of him.

He does gardening/landscaping, I don't know much about the industry but from what my sis told me things are slow for him. I obviously didn't know this prior and assumed when buying that he had the money in the bank to pay me, despite economic slow down, otherwise it would be pretty shitty to ask me to pay for it knowing he didn't have the funds. That's what I'm worried about now. He really really doesn't seem like that type of person tbh, but his behaviour recently, ie not mentioning the loan at all, is a bit off. I'm probably jumping to conclusions now.

OP posts:
viques · 08/12/2022 13:50

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 13:31

I am a little worried that the general consensus is he's a CF. Now I'm thinking i've been too soft? Perhaps I've been blinded somewhat as I've known him years, however not in a "money lending capacity". I just want my little sister to be happy as she's had a rough few years and this has brightened her up.

When I say he's a good guy, he treats her well, he's funny and a great dad. They live together and have two kids together, which is why I assume they have a joint bank account, however I don't know their financial circumstances really. I've never noticed him being stingy or sketchy before. But my sis works part time and he's struggled for work recently (self employed trady) It never occured to me that he might not have the money, the loan was on the basis so that she would notice him spending £500 at a jewellers or withdrawing a large sum for no reason.

He's going to drop the cash round tonight, should I say something? I don't want to meddle or make assumptions but now I'm worried that he's taking the piss

“Should I say something?”

I think “thanks, when are you paying back the rest” would cover it.

Newlifestartingatlast · 08/12/2022 13:53

I find this odd. Most people who have joint accounts, also have their own accounts for personal spends. We did all during our 30 year marriage. Especially if they aren’t married
why would he buy an engagement ring for a joint account? That’s very unusual unless bride and groom are buying each other rings ….normally bloke saves for ring then gives form his own money. Or takes out a bank loan or pays on card , transfers it to a 0% card quick and then pays off over time
I find it very odd that he would borrow from his future SIL - given your response I’d question if he knew you’d be a soft touch. I’d question why he hadn’t saved, or couldn’t take a loan…saying he’d take it for. Joint account sounds dodgy…how with your DS feel when she reaslises she has to pay half of her engagement ring? Maybe that’s why he’s stalling- he hasn’t admitted that to DS yet

all very dodgy …keep an eye on him and his financial management and do NOT lend money to him or your DS in future.

Roselilly36 · 08/12/2022 13:57

Don’t lend him money again OP, he should have saved up and then bought a ring and proposed.

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 14:01

Yes you tell him straight out that you need the money asap.

Did he ask you to sub him 500 until whenever?

No.

He asked for a loan to hide a surprise with the implication that it would immediately repaid.

He's a CF, make no mistake.
I would be giving your parents a heads up so they do not get stung.

Hard to believe that work is slow when so many are looking for people.

Is he workshy?

You sound like a lovely woman and sister but I think you need to sort this out.

Good men do not behave like this.

Being diplomatic will get you nowhere.

You need to spell it out that you need that money asap or you will ask your sister for it.

She probably knows what he's like but don't hide this sort of thing from her.

She deserves to know.

Coffeetree · 08/12/2022 14:06

Oh just saw your update OP.

I actually don't think it's okay that he's now unilaterally decided he's going to pay you back in instalments!

Ideally you'd have said, "Great, I actually need to full £500 tonight. See you soon." But looks like you've agreed to partial payment.

When you see him tonight, say cheerfully and unambiguously, "Thank you! So I'll need the remaining £200 by 31st." Actually say the full amount and date! Follow up with a text.

purplecorkheart · 08/12/2022 14:11

Well if he could not afford the ring then he should not have bought it or bought a cheaper one. They live together and have two kids together so it sounds like there is no rush or he could wait till the spring or summer when it is peak time.

Also I know a couple of fellas who work in similar jobs and they both work in retail/hospitality during the winter to earn money. He sounds like he borrowed the money and hoped you would not ask for it while things were slow with work and then hoped you would not ask for it before the wedding etc.