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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for my money back?

250 replies

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:48

I lent my sister’s partner £500 for an engagement ring so it would go undetected (joint bank account) which he said he’d pay back after he popped the question.

that was a month ago and he hasn’t mentioned repayment once since they’ve been engaged. Truthfully, I’m not desperate for the money and i know Christmas is around the corner and things are tight for them. However I would like it back soon and was hoping he would be more proactive in trying to repay me.

I was happy to help but I feel I didn’t set clear enough boundaries as I was excited for my sister and I also assumed he would want to pay me back as soon as possible, and that assumption was wrong. I know if I owed someone a large amount of money I would at least want to explain when/how I will pay that person back.

AIBU asking for the money back? And how do I go about asking for it back without making this awkward? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

OP posts:
Itwasntevenblackpudding · 08/12/2022 10:58

Dacadactyl · 08/12/2022 10:44

Surely he's going to propose at Christmas and if he takes 500 quid out of the joint account now, your sister will know? Which defeats the object of you lending him the money!

I'd just ask him when is he planning to propose and if he says Christmas, just say "great, I will need the money back by xxxx date, is that doable for you?"

OP has very clearly said that her sister already has the ring, so surely he has proposed?

Why would she have the ring if not?

TheTeddyBears · 08/12/2022 10:58

Does he think ur loaded? I thought maybe he had genuinely forgotten. However I say he didn't he say or seem embarrassed so clearly it's not that. I'm wondering if he thinks oh I got plenty money any way and don't need to it back right away. Regardless of that he should have paid u back right away I'd be mortified if someone had to ask for their money back after doing me a massive favour!

greenhousegal · 08/12/2022 11:07

Just wait and see what happens. Rushing to judgment might be warranted, but it might not. Seems you all have a good relationship with each other. At least he has agreed on the 300 quid, you hope!

Leaving aside all the angst about how to get it back..... one thing strikes me, I fail to understand why he didn't just buy a cheapo ring for about 20 quid and use that to propose? Then get the real thing later when he has saved up HIS money for the real thing and his partner can choose it with him.

Is that a mad suggestion? I don't know as I am a fossil of a certain age now and don't know how these things work today. But paying from the joint account is not on IMV no matter what.

Wrinklydinkly · 08/12/2022 11:13

You shouldn't feel silly, he's the one asking for money for something he should be paying for. I wonder why he couldn't save up for it himself? He sounds flaky..

mushroomsIncoffee · 08/12/2022 11:13

I wonder is he really struggling but wanted to get a ring so has basically tricked you and hasn’t got any intentions of paying you back any time soon?

I recently didn’t this to my dm (she’s wealthy but a narc) I had an emergency and I begged to borrow £100 and she made me promise I’d pay her back within 7 days so I said yes but didn’t and ended up paying her back a month later as we needed food for the dc. She was furious

bjrce · 08/12/2022 11:14

That's really not good at all. Based on the fact you were with him when he bought the ring. I am sure it wasn't your idea to give him the money so it wouldn't appear in the bank account.

I have to say, that is the greatest, shiftiest excuse I've ever heard for borrowing money for an engagement ring I've ever heard.

The fact that you had to ask for the money and he now has only 300 he can give you. I really believe if you didn't text him about it, he would have never brought it up. He effectively lied to you in that shop with regard to the story about money coming from the bank account. Either that, or the fact you didn't ask for it immediately after the proposal he thought you might be too embarrassed to ask and he'd get away with it. The longer you leave something like that the harder it is to get the money back.

He's a CF.

I am thinking you are going to have to remind him again about the last 200.

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 08/12/2022 11:18

CF. He could have easily taken out smaller amounts over a few months so he could pay in cash. I suspect you won’t see that money again, sorry.

PurpleButterflyWings · 08/12/2022 11:20

Wow, what a CF he is, asking his girlfriend's SISTER to lend him the money for an engagement ring so it wouldn't be detected in the bank account!!! Shock I think you've been had @CanStopWillStop I doubt you will get your £500 back.

Dacadactyl · 08/12/2022 11:22

Itwasntevenblackpudding · 08/12/2022 10:58

OP has very clearly said that her sister already has the ring, so surely he has proposed?

Why would she have the ring if not?

Show quote history

Lol I must've missed that bit of the OP 😂

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2022 11:36

I would warn your sister that she’s marrying someone who doesn’t think he should repay his debts - what a loser

Wishawisha · 08/12/2022 11:37

Daftapath · 08/12/2022 10:30

And for the op too!

Show quote history

And it’s kind of irrelevant isn’t it that it’s a tough time? Spending £500 on an engagement ring was very much his choice and something that he shouldn’t have done without £500 to spare. It’s not like she leant them £500 for food or to pay the mortgage.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/12/2022 11:38

My sis doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way tbh as I don’t want to spoil the magic of it all or taint things

If it turns out she's engaged to a CF "the magic of it all" will get tainted soon enough, but in the meantime best hope the £300 now/£200 after Christmas shows up and there's not some "problem with the bank"

butterfliedtwo · 08/12/2022 11:40

MiniCooperLover · 08/12/2022 09:15

He's counting on you being too embarrassed to ask for it back ..

This.

Also, no one forgets borrowing £500 off someone. He's a complete chancer. You've effectively bought your sister's engagement ring.

Survey99 · 08/12/2022 11:42

Charlize43 · 08/12/2022 10:28

I would definitely wait until after Christmas as it is expensive for everyone.

So if you can't afford the ring you propose after Christmas, or propose without the ring. He asked OP to buy so her dsis didn't notice the money coming out of the account not as a loan.

You don't expect someone else to subsidise you without being clear - can I borrow £500 for the ring, but I can't afford to pay back until 15th January, is that ok?

OP if he messes you about and you need to keep asking, let your dsis know what sort of prince she is getting tied up with and how awkward he is making it for you. If he is like this with money/people it is unlikely to be the first red flag and you might be doing her a favour.

purplecorkheart · 08/12/2022 11:42

pairofrollerskates · 08/12/2022 10:57

Tell him not to worry about paying you back until after Christmas, so just to wait until his January wage is paid in.

And then he will have the credit card bill from Christmas to pay and then it is something else and suddenly the op is not paid back. This way when he gives the op the money today they can fix a date for the other payment and this debt is not hanging over them. The fact he did not mention about when he was going to pay it back speaks volumes.

99problemsandaballisone · 08/12/2022 11:48

It's mad to me that he was happy with you effectively buying your sister's engagement ring. I'd be saying I was going to tell her if you don't get all the money back! Hope you really do see the first 300 asap...

ZekeZeke · 08/12/2022 11:54

Total CF.
How easy it was for him to dismiss your being out of pocket by £500.

I would be really worried about my sister pinning her star to a CF like that.

AriettyHomily · 08/12/2022 12:09

I went for YABU for the fact you had to pay for your sister's engagement ring in the first place. Bloody ask for it back!

Newmum0322 · 08/12/2022 12:14

Yea, if he’s got it he would have paid it straight away unless he’s forgot… in which case you will have to say something regardless.

I’d send him an easy message initially otherwise it will be awkward, he’s going to be family at the end of the day. Just say ‘hey, congrats again, so pleased for you guys and sis said she loves the ring 💍. Speaking of which, would you mind transferring the money back later today when you have a chance please. Christmas is coming up and don’t want to dip into savings. See you at Christmas x’

obviously in your own words but that literally wouldn’t raise any eyebrows from me if i was the cf who forgot

Newmum0322 · 08/12/2022 12:18

sorry just seen your update! Glad it’s kinda sorted! Big red flag though that he didn’t actually have the money that you lent him and can only give £300 this side of Christmas. If he needs until after Christmas to pay it back it means he never truly had the means to pay to begin with! It also means you’ll probably have to chase for the £200 in Jan. just makes it v awkward.

Id have said no problem, can you pay by xx date please! Then chase once you don’t get it on that day

Hoppinggreen · 08/12/2022 12:22

If he hasn’t got the money ready to give you now then how was he going to pay for the ring without you?
Youve been played here

whynotwhatknot · 08/12/2022 12:25

if hes taking 300 out for you now why couldnt he have done that to buy it?

Lurpackintheback · 08/12/2022 12:26

YANBU, but you really messed up here by lending in the moment, he has proven himself to be a cheapskate so I wouldn’t expect it back soon either

Sprouttreesareamazing · 08/12/2022 12:32

He is a cf. But maybe feel a bit smug he obviously thinks your minted and were desperate for it back!!

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 12:34

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2022 11:36

I would warn your sister that she’s marrying someone who doesn’t think he should repay his debts - what a loser

I agree.

He most certainly is not a nice guy.

He's a CF. A real cheap one.

Nice guys don't stiff their girlfriends sister.

No family or friends to help?

Just you?

Rather than save quietly for a ring he thought he would ask his girlfriends sister?

He's a loser and he clearly lied as he never had the money to begin with.

I would watch him very carefully and I wouldn't hesitate to tell your sister if he doesn't get that money back to you asap.