AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

[autienotnaughty]

@HallieM93
I've got a 7 year old with asd, he was referred for assessment at 19m and diagnosed at just over 3. We absolutely did similar at that age. Now he's a bit older he manages stuff better so it is possible to stop out etc. but not under 4. Those telling you to go with the flow or get your dh to manage him genuinely do not understand. You want your child to have the best Xmas possible there's nothing wrong with that.

[Zanatdy]

Bring him into your bed. Or keep him up until you go to bed, then keep the travel cot in your room so if he climbs out he’s safe enough. I wouldn’t get into the habit of organising your entire life around naps and sleep. He will be fine, it’s one night

[autienotnaughty]

@fivetriangulartrees

Your in-laws probably won't believe how sleepless your DS is unless they experience it themselves. So they'll think you're being unreasonable, even if you're right. For that reason, I might suck it up for one night and start your strict routine after Christmas. But I've said YANBU because I think you're right there is definitely a less stressful Christmas option than battling with him all night.

This is why nd children struggle with the holidays because they are expected to be less autistic because 'it's Christmas' it really doesn't work that way.

[toomuchlaundry]

Why can’t your other half not drink to make your DS’s life that bit easier, so you can come home without staying overnight?

My elderly DM will need to be driven from/to her home on Christmas Day and teen DS will be working on that day too (part-time job in hospitality) and he doesn’t drive yet so will need lifts. So DH and I may draw straws on who doesn’t drink until everyone is in their respective homes.

[Ottersmith]

You shouldn't have to force him to stay over if you don't want to and they are being selfish if they expect it. Its your Christmas too and you are his mother so what are you? Chopped liver? If you are forced to go then you should force your husband to be with you the whole time during any meltdowns/ sleepnesless.

[Ottersmith]

Sleeplessness

[HallieM93]

@MrsThimbles

Honestly Op, after reading your last post you have a bigger problem with your partner than anything else.

i just know you’re going to be doing all the looking after even in the middle of the night whilst you’re partner enjoys Christmas at his parents and sleeps through the night because he’s had a drink.

I really don’t mind doing all the running around and taking care of him, I won’t be drinking anyway so if I could drive it wouldn’t be a problem.

my main concern is the aftermath and the fact that I can’t just get up with him in the middle of the night and take him in the living room like we do at home when he’s out of routine.

some of the comments are throwing me off, I’m quite confident in my ability to parent and I will always do what is best for my son but I also just want everyone to be happy and avoid any confrontation, I am still learning how to set boundaries with events as before ASD was ever mentioned by our clinician I would just push through, now I am more cautious as I want to make sure he’s not overwhelmed and overstimulated and now I am starting to understand what causes his sensory overloads because I’m educating myself and learning through our referral process.

he’s the most beautiful, happy little boy and will be thrilled to see his grandparents and open presents and I’m so excited for that, I want him to see all of the family, it’s just the overnight stay that’s going to be more difficult than usual since he learned to climb out of the travel cot at the weekend, we do sometimes have to let him cry it out if he’s being particularly difficult especially if he’s had a very stimulating day, but that’s obviously a lot harder when we can’t confine him.

I don’t want to avoid attending things and have him miss out on ANYTHING but we have learned over the last few months that certain things we just have to decline, we spent Christmas at my parents last year so we definitely want to attend the IL this year and then from next year onwards we have agreed we will do Christmas at home and have visitors as he will be nearly 3 next year and it’s nice to have traditions and hopefully we will have bought a house big enough to host everyone! xx

[Goldbar]

@MrsThimbles

Honestly Op, after reading your last post you have a bigger problem with your partner than anything else.

i just know you’re going to be doing all the looking after even in the middle of the night whilst you’re partner enjoys Christmas at his parents and sleeps through the night because he’s had a drink.

I agree with this.

And if you have a toddler who has trouble sleeping and can climb out of his cot in a house full of hazards, neither you nor your partner should be drinking much. You both need to be fairly alert (or at least not comatose!) during the night so you can hear him. So if your partner is going to drink loads so you can't wake him during the night, going would be a no from me...you'll already be tired from the day and then being expected to be semi-alert all night would finish me off.

[HyggeandTea]

I used to be a teacher in a school for children with significant needs, and I do understand about how over-stimulated they can become and how important routine is. However, sometimes things happen to disrupt routine (illness, family issues, cars breaking down, holidays, new siblings etc) and they have to learn to cope with change too.
Could you have an open, adult family discussion with everyone and explain your concerns? Let's assume DH and grandparents are actually nice people who want everyone to enjoy Christmas, it stands to reason that they might want to find a solution for you. Also it will be good for them to be involved early on in DS's life, because if he is autistic, then you will be well served by having a tribe of helpful people you can rely on who love him almost as much as you. (Good for any kid tbh).
Have a lovely Christmas.

[autienotnaughty]

@FixItUpChappie

I get it OP I was difficult and alienating about my first son's routine. I think because I was tired, not getting so much sleep and like you, the one to have to deal with it. In hindsight I cringe a bit and think well...gee I could have been more gracious and flexible

It can be hard when your in it and we should acknowledge that everyone has a different personality/aptitude for these things. I'd encourage you to just go for it and let go of the routine thing for one night though

We all do the pfb thing but that's not what's happening here. Her ds can not cope with sleeping out and she doesn't want him to be severely distressed at Christmas so that she can be polite.

[UmmMaryam2019]

Hey,

No your not being unreasonable. Do what's right and best for you and your baby.

Stand your ground regardless of general upset, because as you said you have to deal with the fall out.

[Onthemaintrunkline]

Here’s my tuppence worth…..you shouldn’t be letting a 20mth dictate your lives. Perhaps he needs to experience sleeping places reasonably often other than at home then it wouldn’t be such a big deal for him or you. If it all turns to custard it’s only 40 minutes to come home, but this should be an utter last resort. I don’t think you should be taking full responsibility for your infant either. It will allow yr in-laws to see yr sons sleeping pattern far better than any explanation could. But do go, put a rug around the cot, cushions too, many years ago our young son started getting adventurous, swung one leg over the top of his cot, got stuck….didn’t try it again!

[RebeccaCloud9]

Reading the title, I was fully prepared to roll my eyes and say for goodness sake it's one day, get over it.

But having read your post, I understand - in your shoes, I would stay for the day then drive home for the night. Make sure your in laws know you want to be there and aren't just trying to get out of it, and it'll be fine.

[autienotnaughty]

@Endofmytetherfinally

Happy to be corrected but I thought they didn't diagnose autism till 5?

My ds was diagnosed at 3 . Communication is part of it so the earliest a child would be seen for referral is probably 18m ish then pathway is currently 12-24m wait time. So realistically 3 is the younger age . However many children are diagnosed later due to it not being recognised/identified earlier. ADHD is typically diagnosed after 7.

[Izadrennan]

Joining the chorus of yanbu, and those that think it's ok to disrupt a child with autism for one day clearly have no experience, can't believe you are being called unreasonable, it won't just be your child that is struggling on Christmas day, you know a time thats supposed to be magic for children, you could end up having a hell of a day to, but thats ok because its everyones christmas, i don't think that's right.
My family make adjustments for my child and we do spend time with them but keep it short and sweet, and prepare as best we can, my child also has adhd and is older than your child now but physical activities before and after helps, and quieter activities for when we are in families homes helps, obviously each child has different situations that will overstimulate them, and it sounds like you are at the start of the process of learning what your child can cope with, i always think as parents we are their to advocate for our child, so if you think it's too much then that's ok.

[autienotnaughty]

Lucky you. Unlucky child if they did have a nd.

[MauisLeftNipple]

I have 4 kids and they are all terrible sleepers the first night we stay away from home, so you absolutely have my sympathy. I would definitely NOT stay the night, but I would try and make a special day of it with MIL.

[autienotnaughty]

@GoingtotheWinchester

I don’t know why I’m so horrified at the ignorance around autism on this thread but god some people have NO idea!

OP put you and your toddler first - good luck x

Depressing isn't it?

[KickHimInTheCrotch]

I also had a very bad sleeper who was always over stimulated, very hard work and impossible to settle at that age. It would always have been easier to stay at home but I did keep trying do visits and trips away even though they were exhausting and difficult every time. DP helped but he would always prefer we stayed at home so it was me that kept pushing to try and have fun and keep doing new things and ended up fairly broken by the end of the weekend/ holiday/ whatever. I don't think you would be unreasonable to stay at home but you risk becoming a bit trapped by the toddlers routine and suddenly you can't go anywhere different or do anything new because you are afraid of the fall out.

[FlamingJingleBells]

www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/information-about-autism/early-years/parent-toolkit

research & implement some simple picture time tables & routines that he can follow at home. He’s young so a visual guide is more helpful than lots of words which might overwhelm him. Strip it right back and don’t give him too many verbal instructions & keep everything simple.

[MrsThimbles]

Happy to be corrected but I thought they didn't diagnose autism till 5?

No. It’s possible to diagnose much earlier than that.

[HallieM93]

@autienotnaughty

Depressing isn't it?

@autienotnaughty @GoingtotheWinchester this is definitely part of the struggle as I don’t think my PIL really understand it and as we’re due to be waiting some time for the assessment to actually take place it’s very hard to communicate with people about how he copes with certain situations. It’s very isolating xx

[Morph22010]

@Onthemaintrunkline

Here’s my tuppence worth…..you shouldn’t be letting a 20mth dictate your lives. Perhaps he needs to experience sleeping places reasonably often other than at home then it wouldn’t be such a big deal for him or you. If it all turns to custard it’s only 40 minutes to come home, but this should be an utter last resort. I don’t think you should be taking full responsibility for your infant either. It will allow yr in-laws to see yr sons sleeping pattern far better than any explanation could. But do go, put a rug around the cot, cushions too, many years ago our young son started getting adventurous, swung one leg over the top of his cot, got stuck….didn’t try it again!

Is your child autistic?

[Blueeyedgirl21]

@Onthemaintrunkline what an ignorant post let me guess you’re a grandparent who expects regular sleepovers from your GC? Have you completely missed the part where OP’s son is on an ASD diagnosis pathway?

[Grimchmas]

Here’s my tuppence worth…..you shouldn’t be letting a 20mth dictate your lives. 

andmy 5p worth is that you shouldn't be giving advice on this thread.

he's not a mini dictator, he's a young child who is struggling.