AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP, I'm glad you've found what you think is a workable solution.

I did just want to add that it really isn't that big a deal if your H doesn't get to drink on Xmas day. I get that you can't drink or drive at the moment but he's a parent to a (possibly) ND child too, and it's not unreasonable to ask/expect him to stay sober for one day if that's what will facilitate what is best for his young and struggling child. There's the entire rest of the festive period when he can have a drink.

thesleepcharity.org.uk/information-support/children/children-with-send/

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@HallieM93 we had exactly the same , I worked with asd children and started to recognise the signs around 1 year. Al the family denied it until he was diagnosed. They are better now (it has got more obvious as he's got older) although they still have a bit of a 'do as I say' attitude so don't always understand when we refuse to Brenda routine. Our son is thriving, he's in mainstream school with 1:1 support in place and things are a lot easier now. I think b cause we created a routine and boundaries that worked for him he now feels safe to step out his comfort zone sometimes. His routines help ground him so he's better able to manage if something out of the ordinary comes up.

Methinks DH should be on the sofa, Op, if he can’t go one Christmas Day without drinking so your potentially SEN toddler can sleep safely then you should get the double bed to yourself and DS and I’d be heading to bed at 9 myself with my child to relax with a tub of quality street 😁 pissed up hubby can continue his ale sesh with his family

You sound like an amazing mum and already quite clued up on understanding things. My son wasn’t diagnosed until 6 although there were suspicions raised earlier but he met all his development milestones. We always went away for Christmas and it was so hard especially as the expectations around Christmas are so high. Usually ended up with arguements betweeen someone or other. We now go away but stay nearby relatives in a premier inn after a few Christmases staying at relatives where I vowed never again. this wouldn’t be workable for you yet but my Ds is now 12. This way Ds can get some space but we still do a few hours on Christmas Day. However I’m fairly relaxed about Ds not having to sit at table through the whole dinner, he can go off and watch tv or play on his switch so I can now enjoy Christmas dinner/adult time without the constant stress of trying to get Ds to conform to social norms. Your son is still little and it’s really about finding and doing what works for you are not feeling the pressure of having to conform

I was ready to say you were being unreasonable until you explained you will still go but just won’t stay over. It seems like a fair compromise to me, it is not as if you have decided you’ll cancel altogether.

Changing routines is a bugger, but it’s one night and it’s late to be changing plans for Christmas Day. You’ll be painted the bad guy with your inlaws and your OH.

The bedrail is a great idea. Co sleep with your toddler and your partner can sleep elsewhere. If there’s enough disruption for everyone else, you have the perfect excuse to stay home next Christmas and enjoy your own space!!

Also tag team with your OH. Let him do some of the trips up and down the stairs if your toddler keeps waking up.

Also driving to and fro on Christmas Day is a long round trip for a little one.

Yanbu. I'd have a lovely day with them then go home. Why would having a distressed child scream all night be better for anyone?

I've had sleepless Christmas nights with kids and after an exhausting day, it's v v hard. Do what makes your child feel happy and safe.

@HallieM93 You have some good and some really ignorant comments here; please take the good and ignore the stupid.
My son is now 4.5years, diagnosed Autistic at 28 months. I just wanted to day YANBU for wanting not to stayover. And your husbamd should 100% support you in this. For nearly 4 years here our lives were about maintaining our sons routine, managing his environment. It was the only way to keep as all on an even keel. With a lot of Sensory Integration work with a paediatric Occupational Therapist his ability to manage new environments has improved significantly. We went to a restaurant the other day, ate a full meal and no meltdowns!
You do what is right for you and your son.

Do you like being at your in laws?

As a mum of a child diagnosed with ASD and ADHD I would recommend being honest and explaining you can’t stay overnight and why. People will tell you it’s just one night but for a child with ASD and there parents one nights disruption can causes days of unsettlement, exhaustion and meltdowns. My 10 year old still doesn’t sleep great and needs his own bed, routine and home etc. People will think your being OTT or “it’s just one night” but it’s not it’s far more in my experience. For a neurotypical child “it’s just one night” they might be a big late to sleep or over tired the next day buts that’s it. For an autistic child it’s very unsettling and knocks there routine which helps them feel safe and able to sleep etc. Also if your son is autistic Christmas in itself can be very overwhelming and difficult as there is lots of noise, lights, changes to routine, new toys which are exciting but different, people coming and going so it might be an idea to set a precedent now for Christmas if you believe it might cause your child difficulties with sleep etc. It’s not selfish or demanding it’s doing what’s right for your child and meeting there needs. I have had to become what some people consider pushy, demanding etc over the years but it’s not. I do what I have to meet my child’s needs and help him cope with life.

Why not get a new cot that he can't get out of for their place?

I agree with this. There are some very ignorant comments on this post. I have 2 neurotypical children and 1 nuerodiverse and our family routines etc have to work around his needs by managing his environment, sensory integration and keeping to routines etc.

I'm glad you've got a solution OP, and I'm sorry some posters have been so shitty.

The good thing about staying with the grandparents is that there's 3 other adults to deal with him if you don't have a great night!

My parents live 35 mins drive away and we've never stayed overnight at Christmas. Arrive early, spend the day and leave after a bath for lo and they're in their PJ's. For nap go for a walk with buggy or a drive.

You are not being unreasonable to look out for the needs of a child but I'd stay longer than a few hours.

Hi op. I'd come home, have a lovely day together but then a much more relaxing evening for you in your own environment. It's only 40 minutes.
My family live 4 hours away so we do overnights and I do love spending time with them but it can be so stressful trying to get ds to bed whilst there. At home he won't go to bed easily either but he will play for at least 2 hours before he'll go to sleep. That's the same whether I'd put him to bed at 730 or midnight so it wouldn't be the case of just letting him crash, he just doesn't. At home it's fine as he can just play away safely in his bedroom whereas somewhere else he can't.
I hope your husband can be supportive of you in this and I'm sorry for some of the harsh replies you've had here.

I think you need to educate yourself about autism. The OP isn’t trying to label her child she is a good mum who knows her child has additional support needs and a loves him enough t do what’s best for him.

I have 3 children one diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 5 years old but showed very clear signs as young as 12 months though met all his development assessments. He is verbal and in top of his class in a few subjects in his mainstream school but gets loads of support. There was very clear differences in behaviour, reactions to noisy and loud places like toddler groups etc at that age. My neurotypical children loved these types of places but my nuerodiverse child became incredibly distressed, had massive meltdowns, would cover his ears and scream or hide in his buggy under the hood and scream. He would run in circles round and round in a noise room with his hands over his ears screaming, if he was out of routine he wouldn’t sleep for days and would cry or scream all night if he had to stay elsewhere. My other 2 children didn’t mind routine changes, loved parties, toddler groups and thrived on noisy and busy environments.

'YABU, suck it up and get on with it', THAT's people's advice?

Dear Lord. This site.

OP, of course YANBU.

If you're only 40 minutes away, why not go home on Christmas night and back on Boxing Day, as they're expecting you to be there then?

If they are not far away I would definitely go back home in your situation means you can relax knowing he is more likely to go down and you can have a nice evening with your husband

Hi,

I also have an autistic child who is five. We just had to recently cancel going to my mums for Christmas day. I have lots of siblings and when we accepted the invite there were only a few of us going. Its grown arms and legs now, and DH and I felt that there would be too many people and too much going on for our son in that environment. He's also likely to have ADHD, and is so hyperactive and impulsive that he needs to be shadowed at all times in environments that are not our home.

People saying suck it up have not experienced your experience. You do you and crack on with doing what you need to do to protect your child and your own sanity.

Before having kids I would have thought YABU but honestly my DS is the same with routine and he has always been such a terrible sleeper that it takes priority for me, especially as like you say it’s you who then has to deal with the consequences.

How far away do they live, could you go for the afternoon and then get him to sleep in the car on the way back so you can stay as late as possible?

I know other people will say it’s only one day but it’s important that you relax and enjoy Christmas as well and that will be easier for you if you don’t have the additional stress of dealing with an overtired/ stimulated toddler. You have to do what’s right for your family, not your MIL.

Can you just give your MIL a call and explain the sleep situation. You might find she doesn't want a toddler up till the early hours on Christmas/boxing day too. I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to put yourself through it though. Go for the afternoon stay till early evening. Head off and have a lovely quiet evening. You might get some judgement, but who cares. Being a parent always invites unwanted judgement it seems no matter what you do.

Do what works best for you as a family.

in hindsight I wish I had spent less time trying to make DS mould into what others wanted him to do.

with regards the sleep have you considered things like weighted blankets?

YANBU but could you consider heading early on Xmas day and then they get the whole day with you all rather than just a few hours in the afternoon? That might soften the blow for them of you not staying over